Proverbs 12:1-28 · Proverbs of Solomon
People Skills
Proverbs 12:26
Sermon
by James Merritt
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He was the first billionaire in the history of the world. At one time, the company he started, Standard Oil Company, controlled and marketed ninety-percent of the oil produced in America. We have today, Exxon, Mobil, Amoco and Chevron, because of this man's vision and ingenuity. For the vast majority of his life, he was by far and away, the richest man in the world. Even today, the name Rockefeller is associated with wealth.

John D. Rockefeller, who probably never really knew exactly how much he was worth and had far more money than any one-hundred men could spend in a life-time and who (by all accounts) was very, very careful where he gave his money and how he would spend his money, made this incredible statement. "I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than any other ability under the sun."[[1]] John D. Rockefeller said the most important ability that anyone can ever have to be successful are people skills.

According to a report by the American Management Association, an over-whelming majority of the 200 managers who participated an a survey agreed that the most important single skill of an executive is his ability to get along with people. They rated this ability more vital than intelligence, decisiveness, knowledge or job skills. [[2]]

If you think about it, every part of your life is built around relationships. If you are going to have a good family you must have good family relationships. If you are going to have a successful business you must build it on relationships. The chemistry of a team, that can determine whether or not it wins a championship, depends upon the relationships between the players on that team. Relationship will make you or break you. Your eternal destiny depends upon whether or not you have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon gave to his children some incredible life lessons on how to build people skills and on how to relate to people. I discovered a while back, in the Book of Proverbs, that Solomon describes three types of people. He describes people who will be our friends, people who will be our foes, and then people who will simply be fools. How you relate to those three types of people (that we will all come in contact with) will determine how far we go in life. Here are the three keys on being a good and a wise people person.

I. Be Committed To Friends

The older you get, the more you realize there are very few things in life more valuable and more rare than true friendship. I want to let you in on a little secret- none of us have very many true friends. One of the most important lessons in life that you will ever learn is how to make real friends. Solomon gives us some keys to doing that.

The first key to finding real friends is - being a friend. Proverbs 18:24 says, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly." (Proverbs 18:24, NJKV)

That is an alternative translation of this verse, but it really is true. The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. I went out to find a friend, but could not find one there. I went out to be a friend and friends were everywhere.

You don't take friends - you make friends. The best way to find a good friend is to be a good friend. It is next to impossible, to have no friends, if you are yourself friendly. The opposite of that is also true. If you want to be a person that doesn't have very many friends, then just don't be very friendly.

Psychologists once asked a group of college students to jot down the initials of the people they disliked. Some of the students taking the test could only think of one person. Others listed as many as fourteen. The interesting fact that came out of this bit of research was this: those who disliked the largest number of people were themselves the most widely disliked. [[3]]

You will find that the more likeable you are the more likely you are to like other people and to be liked by them. One of the best selling books of all time was written by a man named, Dale Carnegie, who wrote a best selling book entitled, How to Win Friends and Influence People. In that book, he says this, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you." Parents, you can teach your children just a few little tricks, early in their life that will really carry them a long way in building personal relationships and in developing good people skills. Let me just list them for you.

  • Eye contact - when you talk to people look them in the eye.
  • A smiling face - it takes seventy-two muscles to frown and only fourteen to smile. A smile encourages conversation.
  • Call people by their name - strangers are just that, strange, but a friend is known.
  • Talk to others about their favorite topic – themselves
  • an occasion to give a word of encouragement, compliment or show an act of kindness.

The second key to finding friends is - choosing a friend. Let me give you a rule of thumb on friendship. Be friendly to everyone, but don't have everyone as a friend. "The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray." (Proverbs 12:26, NKJV)

The word "choose" in the Hebrew language is the word "tur" and it refers to a man searching out land. What that means is the wise person always explores and evaluates prospective friendships, selects them prudently and enters into them carefully. [[4]]

One of the keys to friendship is not only finding the right people to be your friend, but rejecting the wrong people to be your friends.

George Washington once said, "Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company."

How many people are in jail today, because they chose the wrong friends? How many people have lost their families, their marriages, or their businesses, because they associated with the wrong crowd? When you start hanging out with the wrong people, you will start listening to the wrong advice, you will start imitating the wrong example and you will wind up doing the wrong thing.

Friendship also entails - keeping a friend. Once you find a friend, you guard that relationship like you would guard the gold at Fort Knox. I really believe there are two super- glue qualities that can permanently cement any friendship: honesty and loyalty.

Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy." (Proverbs 27:6, NASB) A real friend doesn't always tell you what you want to hear, but he will tell you what you need to hear. The reason he will tell you what you need to hear is to help you and not hurt you.

If you would like to measure a relationship to determine whether or not it really qualifies as a friendship, here are the two questions you should ask of the other person:

  1. Can I trust him enough to be totally honest with me?
  2. Can I trust him enough to be totally honest with him?

Only a true friendship expects and can survive mutual honesty.

The other quality is loyalty. Solomon said, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24, NKJV) The word "stick" refers to how the skin sticks to the bone and that is how close one friend should stick to another. There is one thing you never have to question about a true friend and that is his loyalty. A true friend will always be your defense attorney before he becomes your judge.

There is a second kind of person we will encounter and we need to treat this relationship just as carefully.

II. Be Compassionate With Foes

If you've got any kind of convictions and principles about you at all, if you have any courage to stand up for what is right, if you are willing to take a stand for Jesus Christ, then mark this down - you are going to make foes, just as well as you make friends. It just comes with the territory. The issue is not - am I going to make enemies? The issue is - how am I going to respond to them? There are two pieces of advice that Solomon gave to his kids on how to handle people that don't like you or people who oppose you.

Face them with forgiveness. The following statement will be bitter to the taste, hard to swallow and difficult to digest, but better to take the medicine now than to allow the cancer of bitterness to destroy you. Never wish bad things on your enemies. Leave revenge to God.

I am talking about the people who have done you wrong or the people who will do you wrong. Trust me, people will do you wrong. There is a man right now that I thought was a dear friend of mine, in fact, he introduced me and my wife, Teresa, many years ago. Not too long ago, he called me and asked me to loan him an amount of money. He promised to pay me back in thirty days. To a lot of people in this room, the money I loaned him wouldn't be a great amount, but to me it was a big amount. I loaned it to him without a second thought and that has been four years ago and I have never heard from him since. I could wake up every day, bitter toward that man, angry with that man, upset with that man, but you see, he is not my problem; he is God's problem. I have finally determined in my heart that I had rather live with the fact that he owes me money, than have to live with the fact that I owe him money. That is why Solomon said in Proverbs 20:22, "Do not say, 'I will repay evil'; wait for the LORD, and He will save you. (Proverbs 20:22, NASB)

The second piece of advice is - kill them with kindness. It is not enough just to leave your enemies alone. When you get a chance you need to demonstrate your love to them. Solomon said in Proverbs 25:21-22, "If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you." (Proverbs 25:21-22, NASB)

What does it mean to "heap burning coals on this head"? Quite frankly, it doesn't mean what you think, because I know that is what you would like to do to some of your enemies. Here is the way Charles Swindoll explains it.

"In ancient days, homes were heated and meals were fixed on a small portable stove somewhat like our outside barbeque grills. Frequently, a person would run low on hot coals and would need to replenish his supply. The container was commonly carried on the head, so as the individual passed beneath second-story windows, thoughtful people who had extra hot coals in their possession would reach out of the window and place them in the container atop his head. Thanks to the thoughtful generosity of a few folks, he would arrive at the site with a pile of burning coals on his head and a ready-made fire for cooking and keeping warm." "Heaping burning coals on someone's head", came to be a popular expression for a spontaneous and courteous act one person would voluntarily do for another."[[5]]

Someone has well said that the best way to defeat your enemies is to make a friend of him. The way you do that is with forgiveness when they do you wrong and kindness whenever you can.

III. Be Cautious With Fools

There are three Hebrew words that are used to describe the "fool" in Proverbs. One term refers to a hard-headed person who thinks he needs no advice. The second term refers to a thick-headed person who refuses even to listen to counsel. The third term refers to an empty headed person who carries out his lack of wisdom, because he won't listen to advice and lives a foolish lifestyle. To put it simply, this is the "wrong crowd" we all try to warn our children about. The reason why the wrong crowd is the wrong crowd is because they refuse to listen to the advice of the right crowd. That is why Solomon said in Proverbs 10:21, "The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of understanding." (Proverbs 10:21, NASB)

Amazingly, the very thing that kills the fool is the very thing he rejects that makes him a fool to begin with which is wisdom.

How should we relate to the fools of this world? How should we relate to the wrong crowd? It is really easy. "Leave the presence of a fool, or you will not discern words of knowledge." (Proverbs 14:7, NASB)

The reason is really easy and very simple. Only a fool fools around with fools. I have said this so many times to my sons as they were growing up. I am sure they got sick of hearing it, but I say it to you and you will hear me say it time and time again. "If you are not in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person, you can't do the wrong thing."

There is so much more I could say about this matter of people skills and relationships, but I go back to something I said at the beginning. Your only hope for eternity, your only hope for going to heaven is to make sure you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I'll tell you what I have learned. When you develop the skills of having a relationship with God, a true relationship with God, a dynamic relationship with God, and a joyful relationship with God, you can have a relationship with anybody.


[1] Robert C. Lawson, ed., The Best of Ted Engstrom (San Bernadino, CA. Here's Life Publishers, etc., 1988) p. 253

[2] Ibid

[3] Bits and Pieces, October 14, 1993.

[4] H. Wayne House and Kenneth M. Durham, Living Wisely In A Foolish World (Nashville:Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992) p.101

[5] Charles R. Swindoll, Active Spirituality, (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1994) p. 129

ChristianGlobe Networks, Inc., Collected Sermons, by James Merritt