"I will pay more for the ability to deal with people than any other ability under the sun." John D. Rockefeller1
Relationships: we all have them. John Donne was right: "No man is an island..."2 I have learned early on that one of the most important lessons a father can teach his children is how to establish and maintain proper relationships with the right people.
According to a report by the American Management Association, an overwhelming majority of the two hundred managers who participated in a survey, agreed that the most important single skill of an executive is his ability to get along with people. In the survey management rated this ability more vital than intelligence, decisiveness, know-ledge, or job skills.3
Relationships can make your child or break your child (and you, for that matter). A true story illustrates graphically just how crucial our relationships are, and how vital it is we choose to enter into the right ones.
Several years ago, two young women from Southern California spent the day doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in Tijuana, Mexico, a few miles below San Diego. As they returned to their car one of the ladies glanced down in the gutter and noticed something moving and squirming as if in terrible pain.
As they bent down they noticed what appeared to be a dog what they thought was a tiny Chihuahua struggling for its life. It was breathing heavily, shivering, and almost dead. They felt so sorry for this little animal they couldn't just drive off and leave it there to die.
They decided to take it home with them and try to nurse it back to health. But since they were afraid that the little animal would be detected by the Board of Patrol Officers, they hid it in the trunk of their car. After they got across the border they stopped, and one of the women took the little Chihuahua out and held it the rest of the way home.
They pulled up in front of one of the ladies home. They decided she would keep the little dog through the night and try to help it regain its strength. She took it in the house, tried feeding it some of her food, but it wouldn't eat. She patted it, cuddled it, held it, talked to it, and finally wrapped it in a small blanket and even placed it beneath the covers of her bed to sleep beside her all through the night. She kept feeling it to make sure it was okay.
Early the next morning, the animal was no better. She decided to take it to an emergency animal clinic nearby. She handed the weakened animal to the doctor on duty and began to describe all the things she had done to try to help nurse this "dog" back to life.
He quickly interrupted her and asked, "Where did you get this animal?"
Seeing the look on his face, and fearful of being reprimanded for bringing this animal across the border, she told him she was keeping it for a friend who had found it.
The doctor looked at her sternly, and said, "I'm not letting you leave until you tell me where you got this thing."
She said, "Doctor, to be honest with you, my friend and I were shopping in Tijuana and we found this little Chihuahua in the gutter near our car. We were just trying to nurse it back to health."
The doctor said, "Lady, this is no Chihuahua. What you brought home with you is a rabid Mexican river rat!"4
What these two women thought to be harmless, turned out to be not only dangerous, but deadly. How much truer is this of relationships? When it comes to our kids (and let's be honest, us adults too) peer pressure can be just as dangerous and just as deadly.
According to Solomon, along life's way your children will encounter people of every ilk and sort. Some will become friends, others will become foes (even Jesus had his enemies), and others will prove themselves to be fools.
Dad, you will do your children an incredible favor, both by teaching them how to both differentiate between these groups of people, and how to relate to them with wisdom and personal skill. In this chapter I am going to give most of the attention to our relationship with our friends. For that is where we will spend most of our lives, and I believe this relationship is the most crucial of all.
I. Be Committed To Friends
Early on, our children need to learn how rare and valuable true friendship really is. Quite frankly, none of us makes very many true friends at least we better not! Solomon warns us, "A man of many friends comes to ruin." (Prov. 18:24, NASB) Nobody has many true friends, and it is dangerous to have too many "friends."
Nevertheless, as you journey along the path of life, one of the great treasures you find are the jewels of true friendship. There is a treasure-trove of divine wisdom we can glean in the area of friendships.
The first key to friendship is being a friend. Solomon said, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly." (Prov. 18:24) That is an alternative translation of this verse and certainly a true one. If you want to have a friend, you must first be a friend.
I went out to find a friend
but could not find one there;
I went out to be a friend
and friends were everywhere.
I am convinced that friendliness does not have to be limited by personality. Friendliness does not necessarily mean having an aggressive dynamic personality, getting in everyone's face, slapping them on the back, with words flowing ninety miles a minute! (Some of these "friends" act like such fools, you wish they were foes!)
I believe even the shy, quiet, and reserved individual, can be taught to be friendly.
You do not take friends, you make friends. The best way to find a good friend, is to be a good friend. It is next to impossible to have no friends if you yourself are friendly. The opposite of that is also true.
Psychologists once asked a group of college students to jot down the initials of the people they disliked. Some of the students taking the test could think of only one person, others listed as many as fourteen. But the interesting fact that came out of this bit of research was this: Those who disliked the largest number of people were themselves the most widely disliked.5
You will find that the more likable you are, the more likely you are to like other people, and to be liked by them. One of the greatest lessons I have ever learned on how to be a friend, came from a statement made by Dale Carnegie, the author of the bestseller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, who said, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
Being friendly is both a science and an art. It can be learned and improved with practice. If you will teach your children a few things early in life, it will carry them a long way in interpersonal relationships.
Eye contact when you talk to people look them in the eye.
A smiling face it takes seventy-two muscles to frown, only fourteen to smile, and a smile encourages conversation.
Call people by their name strangers are just that, strange, but a friend is known.
Talk to others about their favorite topics themselves.
Find an occasion to give a word of encouragement, compliment, or show an act of kindness.
You show me a person who practices and applies those five traits with whomever he comes in contact with, and I will show you a person who has a reputation of being friendly.
But friendship also involves choosing a friend. Let me give you a rule of thumb on friendship: Be friendly to everyone, but don't have everyone as a friend. Dad, I urge your kids to heed this warning: "The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray." (Prov. 12:26) The word "choose" in the Hebrew is tur, and is used most often in the Old Testament of a man searching out land. The wise person explores and evaluates perspective friendships, selects them prudently, and enters into them carefully.6
Benjamin Franklin once said, "Be slow in choosing a friend, and even slower in changing." That is excellent advice because it is important not only to choose friends, but to reject the wrong friends. The reason one should choose his friends carefully is because "the way of the wicked leads them astray."
Two extremely wise men, one of history's greatest preachers, the other, one of our nation's greatest presidents, made two observations our children would be wise to hear and remember:
"A man is known by the company he shuns, as well as by the company he keeps." C. H. Spurgeon7
"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company." George Washington
It is fair to say that there are people in hell today because they chose the wrong friends. Our jails are filled with thugs who should have been college graduates contributing to society, but they ran with the wrong crowd. Mark it down: listening to the wrong people, following the wrong advice, emulating the wrong example, is the sure result of wrong friendships.
There was a farmer who was being troubled by a flock of crows in his cornfield. Deciding he had had enough, he loaded his shotgun, crawled unseen along the fence row determined to blow those crows out of the sky. This farmer had a very "sociable" parrot who indiscriminately made friends with everybody.
Seeing the flock of crows, the parrot flew over and joined them, just trying to be sociable. The farmer saw the crows, but he didn't see the parrot. He took careful aim and fired! The farmer jumped up, ran over to see how many crows he had shot, and low and behold, there was his parrot lying on the ground, a broken wing, a chipped beak, but still alive.
Tenderly, the farmer picked up the parrot, brought him home where his children ran out to meet him. Seeing their parrot injured, they tearfully asked, "Daddy, what happened?" Before he could answer, the parrot spoke up and said, "That's what you get for hanging out with the wrong crowd."
It is a truism that you can never be at the right place, at the right time, doing the right thing, if you are with the wrong crowd.
But friendship also entails keeping a friend. Once you do find a friend, guard that relationship as you would the gold at Fort Knox. I believe there are two "super glue" qualities that can permanently cement any friendship: honesty and loyalty.
Proverbs 27:6 reminds us, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." A real friend may "wound you" by telling you the truth. But he will tell you the truth nonetheless.
A real friend may not always tell you what you want to hear, but he will always tell you what you need to hear. In the short run it may hurt you, but in the long run it will help you.
If you would like to measure a relationship to determine whether or not it really qualifies as a friendship, here are two questions you should ask of the other person: 1) Can I trust him enough to be totally honest with me? 2) Can I trust him enough to be totally honest with him? Only a true friendship expects, and can survive, mutual honesty.
The other quality involved in keeping a friend is loyalty. Solomon said, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." The word "stick" refers to how the skin sticks to the bone. It is a very poignant picture of just how close-knit one friend should be to another. One thing you should never have to question about a person who is your friend is his loyalty. A true friend will always be your defense attorney before he becomes your judge.
There is no such thing as a "fair weather friend." As a matter of fact, you don't need friends in fair weather, you need friends in foul weather! A fair weather friend is truly no friend at all.
I've read several definitions of a friend. The late Irma Bombeck said, "A friend is somebody who won't go on a diet when you're fat." Someone else said, "A friend is someone who multiplies your joys and divides your grief." But the best definition I have ever read is this one: "A friend is someone who will walk into your house when the whole world has just walked out."
I have had the privilege, on one occasion, of meeting a tremendous Christian by the name of Charles Colson. He is indeed a truly born-again child of God. He tells the story of how he was invited to speak at a university out West soon after his release from prison. There was still much hostility toward the entire Watergate crowd, especially Richard Nixon.
Questions were being thrown at him rapid fire, and the students were becoming increasingly hostile. One student stood up and referred to a vicious criticism that Henry Kissinger had leveled at Richard Nixon. He said, "Mr. Colson, do you agree with this criticism?" Colson said he scanned the room, and could tell every ear was listening to see what he would say. Here's what Chuck Colson said:
We all know Mr. Nixon's negative qualities. He has been dissected in the press like no one in history. I could tell you his good points, but I don't believe I could persuade you to accept them. But what it comes down to is, no, I don't go along with Henry Kissinger's comments. Mr. Nixon is my friend, and I don't turn my back on my friends.8
Colson said for a moment he thought the roof would fall in; and in a way it did, but not as he expected. There was a moment of silence and then a thunderous standing ovation. The reason? Even hostile students could appreciate loyalty to a friend.
If you ever want to find out who your friends really are just make a mistake. Many of those people you thought were your "friends" will desert you like rats on a sinking ship. So Solomon admonishes in Prov. 27:10, "Do not forsake your own friend or your father's friend."
II. Be Compassionate With Foes
In life, your children need to know that they will make foes as well as friends. It just comes with the territory. The issue is not, will they make enemies; the issue is, how will they respond to them? Friends can bring out the best in us, but, oh, how our foes can bring out the worst in us. Solomon passes two words of counsel along to his children concerning their friends.
Face them with forgiveness.
"Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and do not let your heart be glad when he stumbles;
Lest the Lord see it, and it displease Him, and He turn away His wrath from him.
Do not fret because of evildoers, nor be envious of the wicked;
For there will be no prospect for the evil man; the lamp of the wicked will be put out." Prov. 24:17-20
The following statement will be bitter to the taste, hard to swallow, and difficult to digest, but better to take the medicine now than to allow the cancer of bitterness to destroy you; never wish ill on your enemy and leave revenge to God.
God can handle your foes and punish them far better than you ever can. When you try to take matters into your own hands, you not only dam up God's anger, but you hold back his vengeance. (vv.17-18)
Revenge is God's business, not ours. Paul put the matter succinctly, yet firmly, when he said, "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord." (Rom. 12:19)
The second piece of advice is kill them with kindness. Say what? You heard me. It is not enough just to leave your enemies alone. We must be pro-active and demonstrate love to them. Solomon said in Prov. 25: 21-22:
"If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink;
For so you will heap coals of fire on his head, and the Lord will reward you."
Is your enemy hungry? cook him a hot meal.
Is your enemy thirsty? give him a glass of homemade ice cold lemonade.
The result? You will "heap coals of fire on his head." What does this mean? Charles Swindoll explains:
In ancient days, homes were heated and meals were fixed on a small portable stove, somewhat like our outside barbecue grills. Frequently, a person would run low on hot coals and would need to replenish his supply. The container was commonly carried on the head. So, as the individual passed beneath second-story windows, thoughtful people who had extra hot coals in their possession would reach out of the window and place them in the container atop his head. Thanks to the thoughtful generosity of a few folks, he would arrive at the site with a pile of burning coals on his head, and a ready-made fire for cooking and keeping warm. "Heaping burning coals on someone's head" came to be a popular expression for a spontaneous and courteous act one person would voluntarily do for another.9
It has been well said that the best way to defeat your enemy is to make a friend of him. That can be done only with godly kindness. Dad, teach your children, and remember yourself, you are never more like Jesus than when you return good for evil and love your enemies.
III. Be Cautious With Fools
There are three Hebrew words used to describe the fool in Proverbs, all rendered by the same English word "fool." The Hebrew term kesil refers to the hard-headed person who thinks he needs no advice.
The term ‘ewil' has a root-meaning of "growing thick of fluids."10 This refers to the thick-headed person who refuses even to listen to counsel.
Finally, the Hebrew term nabal refers to the empty-headed person who carries out his lack of wisdom in a foolish lifestyle.11
The fool is an empty-headed, thick-headed, hard-headed obstinate person who gets an "F" in the school of wisdom. The fool may be intellectually brilliant, financially successful, and socially admired, but he is morally and spiritually bankrupt. Solomon warns early on about the fool. In the very first chapter he says, "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." (Prov. 1:7)
Rather than go through every verse in Proverbs dealing with the fool, I went through and simply made a list of the categories of people Proverbs marks as a "fool." It would be a good exercise for dads to go over this list with their children to see if they know anyone who fits one of these categories. A fool is:
The loud mouth who loves to hear himself talk, and forces others to do the same. (Prov. 18:2)
The hot-tempered bully who thinks anger, violence, and the bigger gun proves his manhood. (12:16; 14:16)
The egotist who believes he is a "self-made man" and worships his "creator." (26:1)
The person who lets praise swell his head rather than humble his heart. (26:1)
The pseudo-intellectual who thinks he knows more than God, and ridicules the Bible. (26:7,9)
The know-it-all who thinks he knows all there is to learn, and what he doesn't know isn't worth learning. (12:15a; 26:12) (The fool is often wrong, but never in doubt!)
The rebellious child or teenager who loves evil, hates good, thinks sin is a joke and righteousness is for sissies. (10:23; 13:19; 14:9)
The impulsive talker who always lets you know "what is on his mind" and is willing to give you "a piece of it" even when there is no piece to spare! (29:11)
The ladder-climber who puts wealth, position, and material posses- sions above the happiness and well-being of his family. (11:29)
The divisive troublemaker who loves to start arguments, hates to stop them, and doesn't mind losing the war, as long as he wins the battle. (20:3)
The wasteful spendthrift who blows money faster than he earns it, saves nothing, and gives even less to God. He knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. (21:20)
The self-confident person who trusts his own heart, mind, and judgment, rather than the God who gave him all three. (19:3; 28:25-26)
The gossiping big mouth who spreads slander, lies, and half-truths not caring who it hurts. Usually he has enough cowardice to talk about a person, but not enough courage to talk to a person. (10:18)
The hard-headed child or teenager who hates the wise instruction of a godly father, and breaks the heart of a godly mother. (10:1; 15:5)
The stubborn sinner who never learns from his mistakes, and keeps doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results. (26:11)
One of the reasons Solomon wanted to instill wisdom in the hearts of his children, was to keep them from becoming fools. The reason he wanted to keep them from becoming fools was because "fools die for lack of wisdom." (Prov. 10:21) Amazingly, the very thing that kills the fool is the very thing he rejects that makes him a fool to begin with divine wisdom.
How should your kids relate to the fool? By saturating his presence with their absence. "Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge." (Prov. 14:7) The bottom line is this: Only a fool fools around with fools! Dad, the best person to teach your child about relationships, and especially about friendship, is you. I want to encourage you to show your children what a friend is by being their very best friend.
I have taped to the bookshelf in my study, where I can see it from my desk every day, a letter that my youngest son, Joshua, wrote to me in November of 1995. It was a month before his tenth birthday. This is the letter in his own handwriting:
I love you. I will never forget you. You are the greatest dad ever. Words can't express my thoughts about you. I love you more than anything. You are my very best friend. The whole time I was at school today I was thinking about you and wanting to be with you. At home when you prayed with me I had the greatest day ever.
I love you,
Joshua Merritt
Dad, when you get right down to it, friend-ship is what fatherhood is all about. You can be your child's best friend. Part of friendship is giving wise counsel. For as Solomon, the father, and I believe his children's best friends said, "The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense." (Prov. 27:9)
1 Robert C. Larson, ed., The Best of Ted Engstrom (San Bernadino, CA: Here's Life Publishers, Inc., 1988), 253.
2 Justin Kaplan, ed., Bartlett's Familiar Quotations (Boston: Little, Brown & Co., 1992), 230.
3 Larson, 253.
4 Charles R. Swindoll, Living Above the Level of Mediocrity (Waco: Word Books, 1987), 236-237.
5 Bits and Pieces, October 14, 1993.
6 H. Wayne House and Kenneth M. Durham, Living Wisely in a Foolish World (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1992), 101.
7 John Blanchard, ed., Sifted Silver (Durham, England: Evangelical Press, 1995), 106.
8 Charles W. Colson, Life Sentence (Lincoln, VA.: Chosen Books, 1979), 79.
9 Charles R. Swindoll, Active Spirituality (Dallas: Word Publishing, 1994), 129.
10 Frances Brown, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, Lexicon (London: Oxford University Press, 1972), 17.
11 Kathleen A. Farmer, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes: Who Knows What is Good? International Theological Commentary Series (Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1991), 78.
