A couple stands before the pastor in the midday service. He asks, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” The father says, “I do.” Then the father takes the right hand of the bride in his right hand and places it into the right hand of the pastor who, in turn, places it in the right hand of the groom.
The vows are given, and the groom, having taken the right hand of the bride, says, “I, John, take thee, Mary, to be my wedded wife.” Dropping hands, the bride offers her right hand to the groom and, as he gives his, says, “I, Mary, take thee, John, to be my wedded husband.” As a symbolic action, the open hand is extended each to the other as each is given and received in marriage.
The ritual of marriage is the highest symbol of man and woman in love. These symbolic actions contain great mystery. We all know that if one partner does not give and receive in a full and open way, dire consequences can result. We have intimate acquaintance with the pain and tragedy that follows when a man and woman do not commit themselves completely.
Transactions on a lesser scale take place every day. Giving and receiving gifts matters greatly. I will illustrate three ways we express the nature of giving. We give with the back of our hands, with closed hands, and with open hands.
1. The back of the hand. A very stately usher, after receiving his offering from the congregation would stand at the back of the aisle awaiting the end of the offertory. Reaching in his watch pocket, he would pull out a dime, hold it a moment over the plate, and then drop it in. The pastor thought that for a man of substance to give in this way was to give with the back of his hand. The pastor later learned that the man gave generously by check. The dime was not a back-of-the-hand gift but a symbolic act of not returning a plate without some gift of his in it.
Imagine a scene in which the boss sits behind a big desk. The time is just before Christmas. Envelopes are spread out on the desk with names on them. One by one the employees go into the inner sanctum. The boss looks up, “You, you’re Ed, aren’t you?”
“Yes, Mr. Jones.”
Mr. Jones shoves the envelope toward Ed with the back of his hand and an imperceptible grunt, “Mer’ Cs’ms.” No one needs to draw a diagram of the hurt that goes into that scene. The gift, given without personal feeling carries more power to demean than the money has power to buy.
We are saturated with illustrations of parents who work night and day to provide their children with everything money can buy, while withholding time and attention. To give with the back of the hand implies that little care or affection goes with the gift. After a while the gift itself fades into insignificance. Such gestures are more often an insult than a recognition.
2. Closed hands. I call these computerizing hands. Before the gift is released, circuits go into action computing the return. Theo, on the Bill Cosby Show, was sorely distressed because he had given away a privilege he longed for himself. He had received a pass entitling one person to dance with a gorgeous girl on a TV show. Wishing to be polite he had offered the pass to Cockroach, his best friend. Cockroach said, “No, you go.” Theo said, “No, you go.” After a series of “No, you go,” “No, you go,” Cockroach grabbed the ticket and rushed into the studio. Theo was devastated. Upon returning home, he took out his frustration on his family. His mother, Clare, finally found out why he was so out of joint. She told him, “Next time you give somebody something make sure you want to. Don’t expect anything in return.” Her remark brought back memories of the many times the same thing has happened to me. “Don’t give and expect anything in return.” Don’t give with closed hands.
A friend had a protective mother. During his college years she often visited his dorm room, made an inventory of needed clothing and replaced each item. Bill never needed to think about such mundane concerns. When I knew him he and his wife had just had a child. No sooner was the child born than the mother came forth with a long, itemized bill, listing every item she had purchased for him. This so angered the couple that they dedicated themselves to paying her off as soon as possible. A loving gesture turned out to be a closed-hands service.
3. Open hands. When we give with open hands we neither shove a gift at another nor compute the return. Along with the gift goes personal recognition. It does not have to be love or lifelong devotion; it can be respect for a job well done, recognition of effort, appreciation for an attitude or a simple desire to make another happy.
Marriage would no longer be the primary institution for founding a home if the self were not given wholly with open hands. There is neither bargaining nor bartering. Parents continue giving themselves unconditionally, with open hands.
The great heroes of the world St. Francis, Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Jr. and the widow in our text all gave unconditionally. And, of course, Jesus gave unconditionally of himself to save us all. Gifts may also be received in the same three ways.
1. With the back of the hand. A spoiled child accepts a gift and says, “Is this all?” Certainly the child does not receive by opening herself. Instead she has no conception of gratitude, only of self.
A young man belonged to an Irish immigrant family. Because they were poor and lived on the wrong side of the tracks, he felt inferior. His job, however, put him in contact with privileged people. He very much admired the woman who ran the office where he worked. One day he courageously brought her a piece of cake from home. The next morning he accidentally found it in the trash. It had been received with the back of the hand. In such transactions there is no human contact. The human ingredient which makes the event a gift is missing.
2. Receiving with closed hands. Here again I call these computer hands. Christmas comes and a person receives a magnificent stereo system. “Oh, well, thanks....” He had expected a Mack Truck! Never enough, no matter how much is given. Is it big enough or just right enough to bring forth genuine gratitude? The attitude in receiving is carefully computed to work out the best results for the receiver. I’m sure we all know people who receive with subtle calculations.
Many people resent generous gifts, not openly, but deep within their souls. It seems that the more generous the gift, the greater the barrier. Resentment at being put in an inferior position results. “Thanks,” but not “Oh, thank you so much.” Responses like these can destroy relationships. I remember a man whose mother gave him a large sum of money as a down-payment for a house. A mother-in-law apartment was to provide her a place to live. Within a few years she was asked to leave. Certainly the man and his wife had received with closed hands.
Receiving with closed hands is a way of avoiding giving oneself to another.
3. Receiving with open hands. Folk wisdom has it that it is harder to receive than to give. Great self-assurance is required to let another do for us, when the normal temptation is to attempt to give more than the other. We find it hard not to one-up the other.
Jesus says that we must be like a little child to receive him. Marriage cannot be truly experienced without innocent receiving. The three uses of the hand give us a way to look at how we approach Jesus. How do we give ourselves to him; and, at the same time, how do we receive him?
1. With the back of the hand? Some of the cheapest evaluations of religion come out here. “I love that church. I give pies to all the suppers.”
“Do you attend?”
“Oh, no,” is the reply. This approaches religion with the back of the hand.
“I love every word in that Bible,” is said unctuously. But does the person read it, explore its meanings, and live by its instructions? No, but the Bible is loved devoutly. This approaches God with the back of the hand.
“I love Jesus as much as the next person,” goes a pious refrain. Again, the back of the hand. Likewise, “If everybody would obey the Ten Commandments, we’d have real Christianity,” without knowing the commandments, much less exploring their implications for behavior.
In such ways people deceive themselves, play games, try to maintain a public image, and speak profound wisdom without understanding. These are all ways we greet Jesus with the back of our hands.
2. With closed hands? Computerizing hands. I’m sure we have heard people testify to the value of tithing. “Give and Jesus will start the cash register ringing.” People are tempted to “try” tithing, carefully holding a serious commitment in reserve until they reap the reward. A manipulative skill is at work here, with the self always in control. There are illustrations of careful calculations.
This approach to religion is seen in those who do as they please because, “After all, God loves me and therefore cannot do me harm.” So they keep playing both ends against the middle a fine way of saying “with closed hands.” In such a way Jesus is kept on short rein; real discipleship is held in abeyance until enough evidence of return is in to make it a sure bet.
3. With open hands? Bartimaeus approached Jesus with open hands. When he had received his sight, Jesus told him to go because his faith had made him well. Bartimaeus went, but what was the nature of his going? Going means to follow Jesus. In going by following, Bartimaeus fully opened himself to Jesus as Lord. No self withheld, no computing the rewards; he took as his own way the way of Jesus. He received Jesus by giving himself.
The Bible is filled with people who approached God or Jesus with open hands and thereby found the mystery of salvation. Job fell on his face before God. Mary accepted God’s will for her life. Abraham obeyed God, and he was accounted righteous.
Open hands refers to that moment of fullness when we set aside all self, computing, willfulness, deviousness. We are in a new way of being ourselves; giving and receiving are one.
Can you imagine Jesus calling a person and holding back on his good will for that person? Can you imagine Jesus carefully calculating his call, giving it partially until he sees our true intent? In no way does this conform to the gospel. Jesus comes with hands outstretched. He brings a gift, and the gift is himself. He poured out his life for us, and we have to come to terms with the open-handedness in his self-giving. Even as he receives us unconditionally, he gives himself in the same manner. In the encounter with him our giving and receiving also becomes one and the same. We are in Christ and Christ is in us, and he is all and in all.
In brief conclusion we must address the story of the widow. The big givers could well be thought of as giving with the backs of their hands so insignificant were their gifts that there was nothing of the giver in them. Or, they could have been so calculating in their giving “How do I look now, God?” “How do I look now, Chief Priest?” “How do I look now, congregation?” that the hands were really closed. Trying skillfully to compute their generosity in terms of the payoff, they sat back smugly downgrading the widow as she came forward.
The widow, having nothing to win or nothing to lose was fully exposed, totally open in herself as in her giving. All she had was laid before God and all she needed was expected of God, not to compute the return to self, but to show honor and glory to God. Jesus saw in this her own honor and glory. Implicit in the giving was the receiving, and prior to the giving was an unquestioned confidence in receiving. How so? Because she had become God’s, and his way was her way. In her gift life sought life and found it.