A group of boys and girls, ages 4‑8 was asked, “What does love mean?” Here are some of their answers:
“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl - age 5
“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily - age 8
“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.” Noelle - age 7
“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy - age 6
“During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy - age 8
“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” Chris - age 7
“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8
“There are two kinds of love, Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny - age 8. (1)
I like that. “God makes both kinds of them.”
A community in Florida had been hit hard by a hurricane. The power was out, houses were flooded, and roads were closed. At the Red Cross center at the local middle school, a distraught African-American woman asked tearfully for six flashlight batteries. “My kids are afraid of the dark” she explained.
“Sorry,” came the answer. “Only two batteries to a family. However. if you have relatives living with you, you can have two more for each one.”
The woman just stood there paralyzed, feeling helpless when Ryan Abel, who is white, piped up. “I’m a relative,” he said.
“So am I,” announced a young Chinese girl nearby.
The Red Cross worker handed the woman six batteries with a smile. (2)
When Jesus was preparing his disciples for the time when he would no longer be with them, he said to them, “A new command I give you. Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
No passage in Scripture can be clearer than this one. Christians are to be known by their love. This is our primary witness in the world. As Christ has loved us, so are we to love one another. I believe that deep down we all know that, but sometimes we forget.
There are many people in the world who simply don’t know how to love. That’s because they have never really been loved themselves.
Dr. William Willimon tells about a friend who spent much of his life in an orphanage. His mother took him there as a little boy. She let him out of the car under a big cedar tree and told him she would return that afternoon. She never did return.
Willimon’s friend is now middle aged. One day Willimon was to meet his friend for lunch and Willimon was late. When he arrived, only about fifteen minutes late, he found his friend in a state of high agitation, pacing about, perspiring heavily, visibly upset. It seemed an overreaction to fifteen minutes of tardiness.
Later, this friend said to Willimon, “I just can’t help it. I know why I get so bent out of shape when a friend is late. My mother kept me waiting under that tree at the orphanage all afternoon. And she never, ever returned. I just can’t stand for someone I love to be late.”
“He was now all grown up,” says Willimon, “on his own, functioning quite well, yes. But he still had scars.” (3) There are some people who don’t know how to love because they have never been loved.
Ted Engstrom tells about a man whose life seemed doomed from the start. He had been born to a dominating, unloving mother who worked long hours, and often left him at home by himself. The neighborhood children also rejected him. He was a small and unattractive child. He failed in school, and eventually dropped out, in spite of a high IQ. He went into the Marines, but the other Marines rejected him and even laughed at him. He had no discipline and he didn’t know how to respond to authority. He was soon court‑martialed and discharged from the armed services.
He moved to another country, hoping to get a fresh start. He married a young woman who also came from a difficult family situation. She belittled him, too. He was an object of contempt in her eyes. Nothing he did would satisfy her. The two of them returned to America. He tried everything to win her respect, but never succeeded.
So one day, this man went to work at his job in a book‑storage building. He took a gun with him. The rest, as they say, is history. This man was Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who assassinated President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. (4)
Rejection is a terrible thing, isn’t it? And it manifests itself in many ways. Many people have scars. The only way those scars will ever heal is when they know someone loves them. That is why we must forever proclaim God’s love. God loves us, even if the world rejects us. Only when we understand that are we able to love others.
We love because God first loved us. That’s the good news.
In his book, Many Things in Parables, Frederick Borsch says that when his wife became pregnant with their first child, he discovered that he strongly wanted a son. Growing up he had two sisters and no brothers. He badly wanted to have a brother. Now he wanted to have a son. And he did! Benjamin was born, and Borsch says that all his parental heart went out to Benjamin with more love than he knew he had inside him.
This presented him with a dilemma when, two years later, his wife became pregnant again. How was he going to hide from his second child the fact that he could never love it as much as he loved Benjamin? Somehow his notion of love was that it was like a pie. The more people that came to share it, the smaller the slices had to be.
Then, as though to make matters worse, his wife delivered twins! But then something miraculous happened. Suddenly Borsch discovered he loved Matthew and Stuart with the same love with which he loved Benjamin, without taking any love from Benjamin. “This was a strange new arithmetic,” says Borsch now. “The pie seemed to have become larger.” (5)
Imagine how big God’s pie is. Imagine how enormous God’s love is. Limitless. We are loved by One with an infinite capacity for love. We love because God first loved us. God’s love creates within us the capacity to love others. Love doesn’t develop in a vacuum. We love when we know ourselves to be loved.
Peter Hiett tells about a rambunctious little boy named Jarek. Jarek was four years old, and Hiatt was performing the marriage ceremony of Jarek’s mother, Danielle, to a man named Andy. Both Danielle and Andy had recently come to Christ.
Jarek was Janielle’s son from a former relationship. Jarek didn’t know who his father was. He didn’t really have a daddy. Jarek’s skin was much darker than Andy’s, so people could tell he was not Andy’s boy. Jarek seemed to know that. Out of his fear and anxiety he was always restless and running about, never sitting still. When his duties were fulfilled as the ring bearer in the wedding, Jarek was all over the place. He wouldn’t sit still. By the time they got to the vows he was quarantined in the front row with relatives on either side holding him down.
As Hiett began to lead bride and bridegroom in the ring ceremony, with Jarek squirming and making noises, all at once Andy stopped the ceremony. “Peter,” he said to Hiett, “I have to say something.”
Andy turned around with everybody watching. Jarek was still squirming in his seat. Andy said, “Jarek.” The boy froze. “Jarek,” Andy continued, “I love you with all my heart and I will always be your daddy, and you will always be my son.”
Then something remarkable happened. Jarek got still. He did not move the rest of the service. (6) Jarek was about to discover what it means to be loved.
Love creates the capacity for more love. Love doesn’t develop in a vacuum. People who have experienced love are able to pass that love on to others. The reason there are so many angry, unloving people in the world is that so many people have never experienced true unconditional love.
I am convinced there are many good people in the church who have never experienced unconditional love. Some of us were brought up by well-meaning parents who, without really being conscious of it, put conditions on their love. “I love you when you’re good,” was their basic message.” “I love you when you’re obedient.” That was the subtle message many of us received. “I love you if you make me proud of you.”
Our parents may not have meant those conditional messages to take hold, but they did. And so, many of us grew up with feelings of unworthiness with the feeling that somehow we didn’t measure up to our parents’ expectations. And now we are passing those feelings on to our children, perhaps to our spouses and others.
Writer Katherine Mansfield says she felt rejected as a child. Katherine grew up in New Zealand in the 1890s with four extremely attractive sisters. Katherine describes herself as fat and homely. She says that the contrast between her parents’ relationships with her sisters and their relationship with her was painful. It filled her with resentment. In turn, she drew attention to herself with displays of temper, in marked contrast to her sisters’ easy compliance. In a short story titled “Juliet,” she describes herself as a moody, girl who was rejected by her family the odd one out, the ugly duckling. (7)
Please don’t lift your hand, but can anyone relate to her experience? There are many people who are unable to love, because they have never been loved unconditionally themselves. They go through life, acting out in many heart-breaking ways, the question “Am I worthy to be loved?” And when no satisfactory answer comes, they become unable to maintain healthy relationships. They have no capacity for love, no genuine love they can pass on to others.
It is vitally important that you and I pass on God’s love to people who have never known such love. This is our key task as followers of Jesus. “A new command I give you,” Christ said. “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
Pastor Gary Smith tells about a wonderful display of the kind of love in an NBA first round playoff game not too long ago. We normally don’t associate the National Basketball Association with love, but here it is. The Portland Trail Blazers were playing the Dallas Mavericks in front of twenty thousand people in the Rose Garden Arena in Portland. At the beginning of the game, a local girl, thirteen-year-old Natalie Gilbert walked to mid-court to sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Natalie did fine at first, but somewhere around “the twilight’s last gleaming,” her mind went blank, and she couldn’t remember the next line. She closed her eyes, she shook her head, and was on the verge of tears. Suddenly there was an arm about her. It was Maurice Cheeks, coach of the Trail Blazers. With his arm around Natalie, Cheeks began singing the next line and invited the crowd to join in. Maurice, Natalie, and twenty thousand people make it all the way through to “the home of the brave.” (8)
Who says you can’t find love in the NBA? Here’s what Christ’s greatest dream is for each of us. Christ wants to build within each of us the capacity to love as he loves. Not conditional love that says, “I’ll love you if you prove worthy of that love,” but unconditional love, the kind of love he has given to us. We’re thankful that Christ didn’t wait until we were worthy. Neither should we wait until others are worthy.
In his book, The Spiritual Life of Children, Robert Coles describes what happened when he asked a group of children to draw a picture of God. Most of the pictures which they drew were of God’s face. Many of the children drew faces that looked like their own in terms of hair color, eye color and skin color. And, this, of course, makes sense.
But Coles was reminded of another way of imagining the face of God:
He thought back to his days working in Dorothy Day’s Catholic Worker soup kitchen. Some of you may know the Dorothy Day Story. Dorothy Day was a great Roman Catholic activist early in 20th century who devoted her life to working among the poor. Coles says that one afternoon several of the workers at the kitchen were forced to struggle with a “wino” a “Bowery bum” an angry cursing truculent man of fifty or so, with long gray hair a full scraggly beard a huge scar on his right cheek a mouth with virtually no teeth and bloodshot eyes. What did Dorothy Day have to say about this man? Evidently she was thinking of the great passage in Hebrews about entertaining angels unaware, for she said, “For all we know, he might be God . . . so (let’s) treat him as an honored guest and look at his face as if it is the most beautiful one we can imagine.” (9) Day could look into a wino’s face and see the face of God.
Friends, that’s unconditional love. Are you capable of such love? Are you? If not, then let’s pray together that God will increase our capacity for love. Let’s pray that God will help us to feel so loved in spite of our unworthiness that we will be able to pass on that love to others.
1. Mikey’s Funnies. http://www.mikeysfunnies.com/sub/index.html.
2. Dr. Clayton A. Cobb, http://www.spbts.org/sermons/102324.htm.
3. http://clergyresources.net/Willimon/willHe%20Showed%20Them%20His%20Scars.htm
4. Ted Engstrom, High Performance. Cited in James Dobson, Hide or Seek (Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell, 1974).
5. Judy Dunn and Robert Plomin, Separate Lives (Harper Collins, 1990).
6. Peter Hiett, Eternity Now! (Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers, 2003, p. 120).
7. Many Things in Parables: Extravagant Stories of New Community (Fortress Press: 1988).
8. Cited by The Rev. Melissa Skelton, http://www.stpaulseattle.org/sermons/080308.html.
9. http://www.firstparish.org/cms/sermons.