Matthew 18:10-14 · The Parable of the Lost Sheep
Surviving the Big One
Matthew 18:10-14
Sermon
by James Merritt
Loading...

Men, when it comes to women, there is one thing that is absolutely true. Women, when it comes to men, there is one thing that is absolutely true. You’ve heard it before, “You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.”

There is some truth in that old saying and here is why. Relationships are messy. Relationships are just like newborn babies. Every once in a while they mess on themselves and you have to clean them up.

You would think that families would have it together. The people who are literally blood-kin to each other could learn to keep their relationships straight and clean, but I’m sure there are a lot of you out there right now thinking, “I’m glad you don’t know my family.” If you think your family has problems, you think you have some messed up relationships, I want you to consider the mayhem that was created in one family when 76 year old, Bill Baker, of London, recently got married to Edna Harvey. Getting married is not unusual. What was unusual was that Edna Harvey happened to be Bill Baker’s granddaughter’s husband’s mother. In other words, Bill Baker married his granddaughter’s mother-in-law. According to Baker’s granddaughter, Lynn, that is where the family relationships really got messed up.

She said, “My grandfather married my mother-in-law. Think where that puts me. My mother in law is now my step-grandmother. My grandfather is now my stepfather in law. My mom is my sister in-law and my brother is my nephew. What is even crazier is I am now married to my uncle and my children are my cousins.” You think your family has problems!

Life truly is all about relationships. The relationships do go off the rails sometimes. The reason they do that is because of faults. We are in a series dealing with the faults that cause earthquakes that rupture relationships. Whenever a relationship is ruptured or a friendship is fractured, someone is always at fault. Over the last several weeks we have been dealing with the scenario where we are the ones at fault. In other words, it is not you. It’s me. It was primarily my fault that this relationship has been ruined.

When that is the case we have said there are three steps that need to be taken to repair that relationship. The first step is confession. We first confess our fault to God, because sin is always first against God and then we confess our fault to whomever we have hurt. Then, we said the second step was repentance. It is not enough just to say you are sorry, but real sorrow leads to repentance whereby God’s grace you want to do all you can to never commit that sin again. Then, we said you need to accept the forgiveness that God gives you.

Beginning today, we are going to flip the scenario. How do you repair a relationship when you are not the one who ruptured it? It is not me. It is you that broke this. It is not us. It is them that caused the problem. In other words, we are going to answer the tough question, “What do you do when you are not the one that needs to get forgiveness, but the one who needs to give forgiveness.”

For many of us, that is going to be a much tougher thing to do, because it is easier to seek forgiveness than it is to show forgiveness. It is easier to ask for it than it is to give it. C.S. Lewis wisely said, “Everybody thinks forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive.”[1]

You are in this room today or on our Mill Creek campus or you are watching via live-stream on the Internet or perhaps later by television and there is something you never leave home without. I am not talking about a credit card. I am talking about a grudge. There are many of us who think it is our constitutional right to carry a grudge.

A study in the Journal of Adult Development found that 75% of those surveyed believe they have been forgiven by God for past mistakes and wrongdoing, but only 52% say they have forgiven others.[2]

Hopefully you have learned by now there really is only one remedy to ruptured relationships and that is forgiveness. Just as there are steps you must take in order to get forgiveness there are also steps you must take in order to give forgiveness. The first step that you must take to repair a relationship, even when you are not the one that caused it, is confrontation. I realize that is a word in our vocabulary that carries a very negative connotation.

How many times have you heard someone say this about themselves? “I don’t like confrontation.” I have to confess to you there are twelve Saturdays in the fall of every year that I love confrontation, especially when it takes place in Athens, Georgia. I like it for three reasons: 1) I’m not in it; 2) I get to watch it; 3) Most of the time my side wins it!

Seriously, I know that confrontation is distasteful, but I also realize that repairing relationships is just like changing a dirty diaper. You are not going to clean the mess up until you get messy with it. The things we learn about God is He draws a straight line often with a crooked pencil. One of the things that God uses to demonstrate the love of Christ, to bear witness to the Gospel, and to teach us how to work out our differences is confrontation.

There is a passage of scripture we are going to be studying today that I believe may be the most disobeyed passage, at least for Christians, in the entire Bible. [Turn to Matthew 18] I am selfish today in preaching on this passage, because frankly, probably 90% of the headaches a pastor has to deal with would be taken care of it we would just obey this one passage of scripture. Relationships get messy, because relationships involve people. People are messy, because they have faults. Faults cause conflicts, which cause earthquakes, which rupture relationships.

If you live long enough you are going to learn that conflict is a part of life and confrontation is often the only thing that will resolve that conflict. In and of itself, conflict is not necessarily negative. When a conflict become negative is when that conflict is unresolved and the confrontation that is needed never takes place and the reason why it never takes place is because we have this idea that if we are not the ones that caused the problem, then we are not the ones to fix the problem, but Jesus begs to differ.

I told you before and I am going to say it again and this won’t be the last time I’ll say it. There are no problems too big to solve; just people too little to solve them. If you are in a relationship that has been ruptured, because of someone else’s fault, I am going to share with you today how you must take the first step of confrontation to try to begin the process to heal that hurt, to fix that friendship, and to restore that relationship. Key Take Away: Confrontation is God’s path to reconciliation.

When someone has offended us, someone has hurt us, someone has sinned against us, and it is their fault, we are going to see what God has to say about why we are the ones that should take the first step and how we are to do it.

I. Be Willing To Confront Personally

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15, ESV)

Quick side note. The words “against you” are not found in some of the better manuscripts, so Jesus is either dealing with a situation where someone has sinned against you or a situation where someone is simply committing a very serious sin. It may or may not be against you personally. In the end, it doesn’t matter, because the process of dealing with it is exactly the same.

Here is a situation where it is not your fault. It is theirs. It is not my fault. It is yours. We are dealing with a situation where a fellow believer called here a brother, someone in the family of faith, someone in the church has sinned against you and you are the innocent party. What do you do?

Keep two things in mind. First of all, we are dealing here with an internal matter in the church. It is not our job to go confront the outside world and people who do not follow Christ with every sin they may be committing. One thing to keep in mind is the assumption here is this offense rises to the level where confrontation is a necessity.

When somebody offends you there is one of two was you can deal with it. You can overlook it or you can confront it. In many situations, the best way to resolve a conflict is simply to overlook it. If you are married you had better learn to do that in a hurry or you will be at war 24/7. Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” (Proverbs 19:11, ESV)

There are some offenses that can be overlooked and shouldn’t be. In fact, the reason confrontation is necessary is not just because they have hurt you, but if they continue that behavior they will hurt others.

The first thing that Jesus tells us to do is, “Go and tell him his fault.” (Matthew 18:15, ESV)

It is right here where oftentimes a problem that should have been solved gets worse, because many times we either don’t go or we go to the wrong person. When that happens, what could have been a tiny tumor that could have been removed metastasizes throughout the whole body.

Whether it is out of distaste for confrontation or a lack of courage to confront the person or what is even worse that relationship just isn’t valued that much. We don’t deal with it. The problem is even though you don’t deal with the problem the problem deals with you.

You think about it. You brood over it and bitterness begins to seep into the bloodstream. Then, you know what happens? We go and talk to someone else about it and that is when a molehill turns into a mountain. When you go to a person about a problem, who is neither a part of the problem nor can be the solution to the problem you just made that person a part of the problem.

We are to go. We don’t have the right not to confront someone that has sinned against us. Even though you are not the one who broke it, Jesus said you are the one that should take the initiative to try and fix it. Understand that when someone hurts you, offends you, or sins against you, you don’t think about it. You don’t pray about it and you don’t talk about it. You go to that person personally and tell them.

II. Be Willing To Confront Privately

Why should we be the ones to take the initiative to fix something we haven’t broken? If we are the ones that got hurt, why should we wait on the one who hurt us to come and make things right? To put this in context, before Jesus talked about a family He talked about a flock.

“What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray?”(Matthew 18:12, ESV)

Jesus began by asking His disciple a simple question, “What do you think?” Let me give you some advice. Whenever Jesus asks you that question don’t ever answer it, because if you do He is simply going to tell you why you are wrong. He then gives the example of a shepherd who has lost one sheep out of hundred and everyone knew what a good shepherd would do. He would leave the ninety-nine and go find the one. At first that seems a little bit strange that you would leave 99 sheep and go after just one.

Have you ever noticed when you lose something you are a lot more concerned with what you lost than with what you still have? Have you ever lost your car keys? What do you do? You forget about everything you have to do at that point and you focus on finding those keys. You don’t just shrug your shoulders and say, “At least I still have my car.”

If you have three young children and you take them into Wal-Mart and all of a sudden you look around and one is missing you don’t just keep shopping and say, “At least I have two more.” You will get on the loud speaker and get every employee and customer in that store looking for that child.

Jesus adds in verse 13, “And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray.” (Matthew 18:13, ESV)

The reason why there is so much joy when you find a lost sheep or a lost child is not because that sheep or that child is more valuable or more loved than the ones that weren’t lost, but because they need to be rescued and they need to be found.

When a friendship has been fractured or a relationship has been ruptured you need to see those people who have hurt you as a lost sheep who have wandered away from a relationship. They have wandered off into a bad place and you should realize that a brother should be more important to you than a sheep is to a shepherd.

Confrontation is for the purpose of rescue, not retribution. You are not trying to win an argument; you are trying to win a brother. You are not trying to avenge a wrong. You are trying to restore a relationship.

That is why the next step is crucial. He says, “Tell him his fault between you and him alone.” (Matthew 18:15, ESV)

The way to restore a relationship that has been ruined or ruptured is to go to the right person and there is only one right person and that is the person who has done wrong. This is important. Whenever conflict occurs, keep the circle of people involved a small as possible for as long as possible. If someone hurts you and you go to any other person, before you go to that person, you’ve gone to the wrong person.

There is a “go” in the word “gossip.” Do you know what gossip is? Gossip is when you go to the wrong person, about a person who has wronged you, and then you just wronged the person who has wronged you.

You understand why it is important to go privately to that person? Because when you do you are making it obvious you are not trying to win an argument; you are trying to win that person. You are not there for condemnation; you are there for restoration.

At this point, some of you have already hung an excuse in the air, “It won’t do any good” or “He/She won’t listen”, or “It will just make things worse.” Jesus anticipated that objection. That is why He says in verse 15, “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.” (Matthew 18:15, ESV)

That word “gained” is a financial term that refers to “winning a prize.” The issue is not will that person listen. The issue is will you give that person at least a chance to listen.

When you choose to handle a conflict with someone the right way, at the right time, and you privately and personally go to that person who has offended you and try to work things out it is always a win-win proposition. It is not a win-lose proposition. You are not going to win an argument; you are going to win the person. If that person listens it is a win-win for both of you. If that person doesn’t listen it is still a win for you, because you have done the right thing and he heard a needed word of confrontation and correction in his life. If you don’t go to that person or you go to someone else who is not a part of the problem then it becomes a lose-lose situation - you lose, the other person loses, and anyone connected to the problem loses.

Just as a shepherd rejoices over one lost sheep that is found, Jesus said there is no joy like restoring a relationship, fixing a friendship, mending a marriage, and keeping people from self-destructing by the way they treat other people. But what if they don’t listen when you go to them?

III. Be Willing To Confront Patiently

Suppose you do the right thing, go to the right person, and do it in the right way and that person rebuffs you and rejects you and doesn’t listen? That person refuses to admit that he was wrong and refuses to make things right? Listen to verse 16.

“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”

(Matthew 18:16, ESV)

Go back to that lost child in Wal-Mart. Suppose at first you go looking for your child and you can’t find that child what would you do? You get others to help you. Why would you do that? Because, you don’t want to give up until that child is found. Just as God doesn’t give up on us we should not give up on others. Jesus says in this case, “Take one or two others along with you.” (Matthew 18:16, ESV)

What is the purpose of doing that?

First of all, when you take other people with you are showing the person you are not on a personal vendetta. You are showing this person how serious you are about restoring a relationship. The other reason is if the person still refuses to listen then you have other people that confirm that not only have you done the right thing, but it is not your fault, but the person who is at fault still has fault. Bringing other people along brings both objectivity – they are not emotionally involved as you are and they bring accountability to both parties.

What if that doesn’t work?

“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:17 ESV)

Obviously when Jesus spoke about the church at that point there was no New Testament Church. It hadn’t been formed yet. What He meant was take this to a group of people that you trust that may also have a relationship with the other person, so that they can know you have done everything possible to bring reconciliation. Then Jesus says if that doesn’t work they are to be treated as outsiders, which is what Gentiles and tax collectors were to Jewish people.

That doesn’t mean that you are rude to them or mean-spirited toward them or even refuse to speak to them. What it does mean is you cut off fellowship with them. You let them know there can be no more social or relational contact with them until the problem is resolved. The purpose of that is, hopefully, to drive that person to come to the point where they are finally willing to admit their wrongdoing and do their part to restore the relationship.

Let me tell you something. Matthew 18 works. It works in a marriage, a friendship, business, with neighbors, and any relationship. Think about it. When I sin against God, He doesn’t tell Teresa about it, He tells me about it. When I sin against God, He doesn’t tell my staff. He doesn’t tell my administrative assistant. He doesn’t tell you. He tells me.

Thank God He doesn’t blog about it. He doesn’t tweet about it. He doesn’t talk about it to anyone else. He tells me about it. He convicts me and He confronts me. What God does for us we should do for others.

Today, I am going to ask you to do one of two things. If you have been carrying a grudge against someone, because they have hurt you and you know deep down you should let that offense go and overlook it, then write that offense down on a piece of paper. Then, wad the paper up and throw it away and let it go.

If that is an offense that is so serious you should not overlook it and you cannot overlook it, then you must confront it and I am asking you today to go to the person that has offended you, man up, step up, do the right thing, take that step of trying to restore that relationship and just maybe that lost sheep will be found.

When we sinned, when we offended God, when we were the ones at fault, what did God do? He came to us through His son, Jesus Christ, who died on a cross and came back from the dead that we might be reconciled to Him. What He did for us we ought to do for others.

Jim Cymbala is the pastor of the Metropolitan Tabernacle in Brooklyn. He tells the story of how back in the days when they were meeting in the YWCA, he was welcoming new members into the church and he said something totally unrehearsed that has stuck with him ever since. He said people were standing in a row across the front and he said as he was welcoming them, the Holy Spirit prompted him to say this, “And now I charge you as pastor of this church that if you ever hear another member speak an unkind word of criticism or slander against anyone – myself, another pastor, an usher, or anyone else – you have authority to stop that person mid-sentence and say, ‘Excuse me – who hurt you? Who offended you? Who slighted you? Was it Pastor Cymbala? Let’s go to his office right now. We will make sure he gets on his knees and apologizes to you and then we will pray together so that God can restore peace to this body. But, I will not let you talk critically about people who are not present to defend themselves.’

New members please understand that I am entirely serious about this. I want you to help resolve this kind of thing immediately and meanwhile know this. If you are the one doing the loose talking we are going to confront you.”

Then Jim Cymbala said this, “To this very day every time we receive new members I say much the same thing. That is because I know what most easily destroys churches is not crack cocaine, it is not government oppression, it is not lack of money. It is gossip and slander that grieves the Holy Spirit.”[3]

When someone does the wrong thing to you, you do the right them to them. In love and grace, confront, because confrontation is the path to reconciliation.


[1] C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity,(New York: MacMillian, 1952), p 104.

[2] John Ortburg, When The Game Is Over It All Goes Back In The Box, (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2007), 216-217.

[3] Jim Cymbala, Fresh Wind Fresh Fire, (Grand Rapids, MI.: Zondervan, 1997) p.160.

ChristianGlobe Networks, Inc., Collected Sermons, by James Merritt