Many of you either have heard of or remember the famous daredevil Evil Knievel. He was famous for jumping motorcycles over cars, trucks, tractor trailers, and even tried to jump a rocket propelled motorbike over the Grand Canyon. Before all of his jumps he would look into the camera and give this disclaimer: “Kids, don’t try this at home.” The following story I am going to tell you is true, but if you are single and contemplate getting married one day, don’t try this at home.
On my very first date with Teresa I told her that I only tell a girl that I love her if I want to marry her. I warned her, “If I tell you I love you I am asking you to marry me.” The next night, on our second date, I told Teresa that I loved her. If I had been a comedian I would have felt great, because I don’t think she has quit laughing yet! I was serious and six months later we were married. Since the wedding we have had our problems. We have fought, pouted, and had a couple of spitting contests. We haven’t always seen eye to eye and sometimes marriage has been more of a battle then a blessing. Yet, we worked through problems, talked through disagreements, and persevered through conflict and I can tell you today that I have never loved her more than I do now. It hasn’t been easy but it is possible to stay in love after you fall in love.
There is a big difference between falling in love and staying in love. One takes a pulse and the other takes a commitment. Hollywood is really big on falling in love, but not so much on staying in love.
We are wrapping up a series we’ve called “I Do Math.” The math of marriage is very simple, but it is also complex. In mathematics 1+1=2, but in marriage 1+1=1. As we have stated, Jesus made it plain that when two people get married the two become one flesh.
In the first message we dealt with marriage and answered the question, “Can two become one?” We said in that message that making two people one is what God does through marriage.
In the second message we dealt with divorce and answered the question, “Can one become two?” In that message we made it plain that what is done by God, cannot be undone by humanity. One is a prime indivisible number. In the eyes of God, one cannot become two.
Today, we are going to talk about love, because love answers the question, “How can two stay one?” Is it possible to stay in love after you fall in love? Some kids were asked the question, “How can a married couple stay in love?” Here are just a few answers.
Tom, age 7 said - “Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.”
Roger, age 8 said this – “Don’t forget your wife’s name…that will mess up the love for sure.”
Randy, age 8 said this – “Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”
Those are good pieces of advice, but obviously they are not enough. I can testify after 37 years of marriage, staying in love is not something that happens automatically, nor is it something that happens easily. Somebody described love as a three-ring circus: first comes the engagement ring; then comes the wedding ring; and then comes the suffering!
It is true that real love is how two can stay one, real love is the glue that holds a marriage together, real love is the foundation of any relationship that endure. But we will learn today that the love Jesus spoke about is not what you read about in a romantic novel or see in some Hollywood fairytale.
Everybody loves love. If you stood up in a meeting of people of different faiths, whether it be Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhists or Hindu and said, “God is love” you wouldn’t get any pushback at all. People like the idea of a God who is love. We are in love with the idea of love. We love “love” in America so much we even have an entire day called “Valentines Day” devoted to expressing love. Still, when two people “fall in love” why is it that so many of them can’t “stay in love?” Tucked away in a gospel is a little two paragraph statement that Jesus made that not only gives us the foundation for any enduring relationship, but it speaks of the kind of love that is so strong that if a husband and wife have it, nothing can break it. [Turn to John 13].
What is interesting, Jesus wasn’t even talking about marriage when He said this. He wasn’t really talking to spouses. He was talking to disciples. What Jesus says works for marriage. What Jesus said to believers, generally, I am going to apply to marriage specifically. Here is what you are going to find Jesus said. Key Take Away: You Stay In Love With A Love From Above.
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35, ESV)
Jesus tells us three things that love is and that love does that no one else before or since has ever done and it gives us the keys on how two can stay one and how two can stay in love after they fall in love. Here is what love is and here is what love does. Two can stay one by…
I. Obeying the Command of Jesus
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another.” (John 13:34, ESV)
Notice immediately, this is not a new suggestion, but is a new commandment. It takes two to have “one another.” Since you automatically have “one another” in a marriage, this applies to a husband and a wife. There is no choice in the matter. Loving your spouse is not an option; it is an obligation.
If Jesus says something once that is enough. Anytime Jesus repeats something. It raises it to another level. He repeated this commandment two more times. He said in John 15:12, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12, ESV)
He said in John 15:17, “These things I command you, so that you will love one another.” (John 15:17, ESV)
What does that tell you about love? It should tell you that love is not an emotion. You cannot command a feeling. Now love may express itself emotionally. It may give you a warm feeling in your tummy. It may make you tear up. It may make your heart beat faster, but none of those are the signs of real love.
If you’re a student, you probably thought you fell in love the day you first saw Taylor Swift pick that guitar and wink at the camera. If you are in your 30’s, your heart may have thumped every time you saw Rachel walk into the Central Perk or heard Justin Timberlake come on the radio. And, if you’re my age, there was something about Marilyn Monroe you still can’t get out of your mind. Somebody said that teenage love is a feeling you feel when you feel that what you feel is a feeling you’ve never felt before. Love really has nothing to do with feelings.
Let me give you this example. Liking someone is a feeling. That is why I learned a long time ago there is a big difference between liking people and loving people. Jesus never commands us to like our enemies. Why? You can’t command someone to like somebody else. Liking someone is purely an emotional response. It is a feeling. If you like someone it is always because of something they do with you or for you, such as, “I like him because he enjoys playing golf. I like her because she listens to me.” Liking someone has nothing to do with loving someone.
Liking is a feeling. Loving is an action. I don’t have to like someone to love them and I love people I don’t necessarily like. The truth is not everybody is going to like you that loves you - (unless you are me!)
There is a world of difference between love and emotion. If love was an emotion, Jesus would have never died on the cross, because in the Garden of Gethsemane, He made it very plain that He didn’t feel like dying on the cross. Emotions ride on rollercoasters – up one day and down the next. Love rides on a railroad track – it is always straight, always level and never gets off course.
I want every husband and wife to listen to what I am about to say. Love is not a matter of feeling. It is a matter of obedience. Love is not just a noun. It is a verb. When you fall in love you are talking about a feeling that you have. When you stay in love you talk about a commitment that you make. Love is not an emotion that you feel; it is an action that you do. How can two stay one? By obeying the command of Jesus. Two can also stay one by…
II. Following the Model of Jesus
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” (John 13:34, ESV)
You notice that Jesus calls this a “new commandment” even though the Old Testament talks about love. So how is this commandment so new? It is found in this phrase, “just as I have loved you.” We have to love each other the way Jesus has loved us. No one in history has ever loved like Jesus loves. Contrary to folklore, the world’s greatest lover is not Casanova, but Jesus. Speaking specifically of marriage, husbands and wives are to love each other the same way that Jesus loves them.
That is not as impossible as it seems. That little phrase “just as” is not just a comparative phrase, it is also a “causative” phrase. In other words, it could be translated as “from.” So the verse could be translated this way, “You are to give the love to others that I have given to you.” If you are a follower of Jesus you not only have Jesus in you, but you have the love of Jesus in you and you are to take the love of Jesus and transfer it to your spouse.
It is also a comparative love. We are to love our spouse the same way that Jesus loves us. How does Jesus love us?
He loves us sacrificially. John 3:16 tells us that God loved us so much that He gave His son to die for us. Paul said in Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8, ESV)
When Jesus sacrificed Himself for us, He put us first.
Do you know what real love is? Putting the other person first. There is not a marriage in trouble right now that cannot be put back together if the husband will start putting his wife first and the wife will start putting the husband first. Do you know what that takes? It takes a death. Husbands, if you do not love your wife enough to die for her then you don’t love her the way Jesus loves you.
I want to say to the husband and the wife if you don’t love your spouse enough to die to you and begin to put yourself second and your spouse first then you don’t love the way Jesus loves you.
Think about how Jesus loved His disciples. He didn’t love them for what He could get out of them. He loved them for what He could give to them. For three years, He always put the disciples first. Whether it was washing their feet, saving them from a storm, or patiently teaching them time- after-time when they still didn’t get it. Jesus put them first. For three years when He was with those twelve men He didn’t look out for number one. He looked out for numbers one through twelve.
You know something else Jesus did? He overlooked their faults. I cannot tell you how many times if I had been Jesus I would have fired the whole bunch and looked for another crew. Even though there were times you could tell they even made Jesus want to put His hair out He stood with them, and stood by them, and stayed committed to them.
I don’t care who you are married to and how much you love them. I promise there are things about your spouse you don’t like. There are things about your spouse you wish you could change. There are things about your spouse that drive you up the wall. I can’t help but laugh every time somebody gets divorced over what they call “irreconcilable differences.” Can you tell me any two people on this planet that don’t have irreconcilable differences?
I want you to listen to something that C.S. Lewis said that just blew me away. He said, “There is someone I love even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me. There are plenty of things I do that I don’t like, but if I can love myself without approving of all I do I can also love others without approving of all they do. As that truth has been absorbed into my life it has changed the way I view other people.”[1]
Let’s get straight to the point. If you are married today and you are sitting there thinking, “I just can’t love him or her anymore” that is just not true. Love is not a matter of can or can’t; it is a matter of will or won’t. If you love your spouse the way Jesus loves you, so much that He was willing to die for you, so much that He was willing to die to Himself, so much that He was willing to overlook your faults and still love you, then with His love you can love your spouse.
By the way, if you really want to learn how to love your spouse the way Jesus loves you, we are having a "Stronger" Marriage Weekend, February 7-8, 2014 right here at Cross Pointe. We are going to be teaching couples how to communicate, how to relate, how to be more intimate, but most importantly, how to really love one another as Christ loves. There are details in your Worship Guide today
You can stay in love by obeying the command of Jesus. You can stay in love by following the model of Jesus. You stay in love with a love from above. When you choose to stay in love this is the result. You will be…
III. Giving a Witness for Jesus
I want you to understand if you and your spouse claim to be followers of Jesus there is far more at stake in loving one another and far more at stake at holding your marriage together than just the welfare of the children or even just staying true to your vow. What is at stake is your witness before the world.
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 15:35, ESV)
Did you hear what Jesus said? When two stay one the world will know that we are the real deal. The world will know that Jesus really makes a difference. The world will know that this thing called “Christianity” is a game-changer! Not by how much we say we love God or even how much we say we love Jesus, because in a way that is just talk. The way an unbelieving world will sit up and pay attention and say, “Maybe it is worth following Jesus and maybe Jesus is worth following” is when we love one another and stay in love.
The world is not going to know we are disciples because of a bumper sticker on our car, or because of a lapel pin on our coat, or a cross around our neck. They are going to know it when they see us loving each other.
One of the greatest witnesses a married couple can give to their neighbors is to stay married, to work through the problem, to hang in the battle, to refuse to surrender and to keep loving one another. Otherwise, you give an unbelieving world a reason to say “Your marriage is no different from ours. What difference does Jesus really make in a life if He can’t even hold your marriage together?” What a difference it does make when a couple decides that they are going to continue obeying the command of Jesus, following the model of Jesus and giving a witness for Jesus.
I want you to listen to this magnificent testimony of a couple in our church who I appreciate so much being transparent enough to share how Jesus saved their marriage. What Jesus did for them He can do for you. [Show Houle testimony]
Our mission statement is simple: Love God, Serve Others and Share Your Story. When you love God you will love your spouse the way God loves you. When you love your spouse the way God loves you, you will serve your spouse and put your spouse first. When you do that, what a story you will have to share with other couples who need to know they can make it.
[Hold up card] I want you for the next 30 days to keep this card, memorize this verse, and answer these three questions on a daily basis and then just see what God will do in your marriage.
- How many times today have I expressed my love?
- What one tangible way can I show my love?
- How can I put my spouse first?
Do you want to know why and how the early church exploded two thousand years ago? How in the world did a church filled with poor and for the most part illiterate, non-influential people turn a world upside-down for Jesus Christ? I believe the answer is found from the lips of a man named, Aristides.
In the early days of the church, the Emperor Hadrian, sent him to spy out these strange creatures known as “Christians.” Having seen them in action, Aristides returned to the Emperor with his report. In it were these immortal words that have echoed down through history, “Behold! How they love one another.” Whatever else is said about you, your spouse, and your marriage let your children and grandchildren, your friends, your relatives, and your neighbors say about the two of you, “Behold! How they love one another!” That is how two can stay one.
[1] Unchristian, Gage Lyons, p. 198.