Genesis 2:4-25 · Adam and Eve
THE MARRIAGE GAP
Genesis 2:4-25
Sermon
by William McKee Aber
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It’s interesting to me that the Christian Church, which makes a great use of symbols - both pictorial and verbal - has chosen to retain the symbol of sacrifice when describing the faith, and has rejected another symbol that is widely used throughout Scripture. I refer to marriage. Christ calls himself a "bridegroom"; the church (and also Israel) is referred to as the bride; the covenant relationship of God and Israel is allegorized in the story of Hosea and an unfaithful wife; and the very word "covenant," a major theme of the Bible, is a marital allusion. Yet we rarely use this imagery at all.

Why have we continued to speak of sacrifice when the whole concept of altars and sacrifical lambs has been gone for centuries, and neglected to use the illustrations of marriage, when this is so familiar to all of us? Perhaps that is the answer - it is so familiar. We’re acquainted enough with the problems and difficulties in marriage that we hesitate to use such a mundane experience as any kind of legitimate symbol of Christ and the church.

Now, the symbols we use are not important - but the concept of marriage that we hold may well be. If the reason for our hesitation in using marriage as a Christian symbol is the fact that our view of marriage is an unhappy one - something needs to be said.

We’re thinking, during this pre-Lenten season, about God and the gaps - feeling that God has a word to a mankind that is cut apart by gaps of generations, race, economics, and what have you. Surely we are aware that there are gaps within marriage. I happen to believe that God has a word for the separateness that exists within so many of our homes - for the brokenness in relationships that all too often exists between husbands and wives. The same word, to a lesser degree, is appropriate to all relationships, so this sermon is not addressed exclusively to marriage gaps. Let’s consider the marriage gap this morning and see if there is, in fact, a healing word.

I suppose we have to begin with the premise that GAPS WITHIN MARRIAGE (AND ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS) CAN BE CLOSED EFFECTIVELY ONLY IF WE STAND UNDER GOD. The marriage ceremony - you remember - presupposes God’s presence, beginning with the words, "We are gathered here in the presence of God ..." To be sure, weddings, like all of life, include a mixture of religious, pagan, superstitious, and utterly unexplainable elements. For example, THE RING was the ancient symbol for eternity; the SOMETHING BLUE worn by the bride was based on the colors some Jews wore on their garments to signify purity and loyalty; the RICE thrown at the bridal pair came originally from the custom of offering food to the spirits to appease evil and achieve fertility; the SHOES tied on the car of the honeymooners once represented a transfer of property; the CLASPING OF HANDS was the symbol of community, and has parallels in the laying on of hands for ordination. But for all of those confusing elements, the presence of God is implied, and it marks the beginning.

So, remembering that, let’s look at marriage. Kahlil Gibran has said, "Let there be spaces in your togetherness." He means, of course, you must take some time to be apart from your spouse - some time to be yourself. The fact of the matter is, except in a few cases, this is utterly needless advice. In most marriages we’ve got too much space, and not enough togetherness. All of us live in our own private worlds. Every one of us is alone in much of life. Our basic needs are such that other people - often even those in our family - are rivals. The war between the sexes is not merely a cartoonist’s ploy. There is all too often a continuing hostility between man and woman, and when something is wrong in man-woman relationships, all other relationships are wrong!

Now all kinds of advice is freely given in these situations - more openness, honesty or understanding is needed, or else moral convictions, prayer, and churchgoing. All of which is relatively good advice, but none of which seems to change the situations to which it is addressed.

It would seem that the church’s task is not to give advice but to make an announcement: THE WAR BETWEEN THE SEXES IS OVER. Reconciliation has been brought about in Jesus Christ!

What does this mean? Simply that, in the midst of hostility, we are free to live without hostility because in the forgiveness of God, we are free to love instead of to hate. The creation story says that God created Man. There is an interesting verse in Genesis 5:

"Male and female he created them, and he blessed

them and named them Man when they were created."

Do you get the thrust of that? "Man" is the name of "Man and Woman" ... and man and woman together were created in the image of God! We’ve assumed that it was some internal and eternal soul in man that is God’s image but maybe this passage is a better clue. It is the relationship that is the image. A man and woman are created to enjoy being together - not just being together - but being. The whole purpose of creation was for relationships - relationships with God, of course - but also relationships of man and woman. We’ve distorted the image by breaking the relationships; by assuming that nothing was more important than our own wants and desires - but that is not what the creation story implies. Jesus Christ, in his death and resurrection, made it possible for relationships to be restored. He indicated God’s acceptance, love, and forgiveness of us, thus making it possible for us to fulfill our creative purpose by accepting, loving, and forgiving one another. The marriage gap, then, is bridged initially by our understanding and standing under the God who created male and female in his own image. We begin to bridge the gap when we realize that our purpose in creation is not to stand alone, but to live together and love.

II

The SECOND THING NECESSARY TO BRIDGE THE GAP IN MARRIAGE (AND ALL OTHER RELATIONSHIPS) IS THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE OTHER PERSON AS A PERSON. The marriage ceremony - like the used-car lots - implies the acceptance of the other person as is. One minister used to say in his pre-marital counseling, "Take him or leave him, but don’t take him conditionally!"

To take a partner as a person, you take her as a member of the opposite sex, and there is a difference between sexes! Perhaps not as many as we sometimes assume: men do cry, and women can be strong - but there is a difference that has to be reckoned with. I raised the question, when I taught a marriage class, about what people would think of a book titled The Sexual Life of a Nun. I got all kinds of snappy answers such as "shortest book on record" and such. The fact of the matter is, however, that such a book would be perfectly legitimate - for a nun, and any other woman, who does have a sexual life in that her thinking, her emotions, her style of living, is that of a woman. There is a difference between the sexes, of which the physical difference is only a part, and with these differences one should be prepared for conflict! G. A. Stuttered-Kennedy, a great preacher of another generation, once said in a sermon:

"Love is the joyous conflict of two or more free self-conscious persons who rejoice in one another’s individualities and through a clash of mind on mind and will on will work out an ever increasing but never finally completed unity ... and the primary school of this vital and vitalizing love in the home."

Note the words, conflict and clash, in juxtaposition with love. Conflict is inevitable when we are talking about human beings with the difference in outlook that males and females have. Furthermore, the only available candidates for marriage are sinners! A man schooled in pride doesn’t suddenly sit down and start caring. All of which may make it difficult for any of us to accept the other person as a person, or as anything at all.

But, you see, love can’t wait until the other person is worthy of our love, or there will be no love at all. The point of the Christian faith is that God saw us as persons, and while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. The point of marriage (and any other meaningful relationship) is that love is creative. We are what God makes us, and what our partner, and those who love us, make us.

(Now, don’t get confused here. I’m not saying that we remake our partners. Any marriage beginning on the premise that "I’ll change her after we get married" is doomed from the start! But I am saying that our love marks our partner, and to a lesser degree, everyone with whom we have a meaningful relationship.) Every now and then someone says, "I wonder if my wife is really the only one in the world for me?" Well, that is missing the point. The chances are that we could have been happy with a wide variety of people; it’s only in storybooks that there is only one foot to fit the glass slipper. But it is marriage that makes your wife the only one for you. Ultimately you bear the marks of each other. (How often do we say of those people whose pictures appear in the paper for 50th anniversaries, "They even look like each other?" We become unique through each other’s love, grow to look like each other, and find our identity in the relationship).

It was significant that one of our children called friends of our family "Bobandellen." Their names were Bob and Ellen but it sounded like one word to the children. Bob and Ellen found their identity in each other. They had accepted each other, and their love had stamped out their identity in new ways. This doesn’t negate Gibran’s advice about spaces. But as we take our identity in the love of God and the love of our spouse we become secure in our own identity, and we can be delighted in relationships with other people beyond the home. We celebrate our own personhood by creative relationships with other human beings. This is possible, however, only when we sense that we have been accepted as we are.

We might say, in passing, that in marriage both husband and wife are called to assume roles. Paul speaks of this in Ephesians when he says, "Wives, obey your husbands." Men are happy to quote this - out of context, usually - but it should be remembered that he is speaking of a role, not worth. (Paul isn’t the greatest marriage consultant on record but the passage we read from Ephesians does show some growth from his earlier writing in Corinthians when he expected an imminent second coming of Jesus, and saw marriage as unimportant in the light of that cataclysmic event.) The marriage ceremony presupposes the role of the husband as the head of the family. He speaks first - the family is henceforth known as Mr. and Mrs., not as Mrs. and Mr. But there is no suggestion that they are unequal. Rather, it can be seen as parallel to the dance (or the way we used to dance), where one person leads and the other follows. The follower is no less important, and in point of fact was usually the better dancer as we who were leading fumbled around trying to move our feet in time with the music. We are to accept each other as persons - realizing that love is creative - and we are to accept each other in particular roles. The husband’s role is to be the head of the household, but within that role he is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church.

III

Loving another as Christ loved the church is the final clue to overcoming the marriage gap. It is overcome when IN MARRIAGE (AS IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS) WE GIVE OURSELVES TO ANOTHER. This is the day of the Playboy philosophy. The trouble with Playboy Magazine is not what Mort Sahl used to say about the nude centerfold pictures, (i.e. that children would grow up thinking all women had three-folds and staples in their navels,) but the philosophy expressed in the pages that women, like the subtitle of the magazine, are "Entertainment for Men." They are like the sports cars, stereos, and "in" clothes that are advertised "smart accessories for the modern man."

The real meaning of a right relationship is to be found in self-giving. Obviously, the sexual act is the ultimate expression of self-giving, but it is not necessarily the ultimate action for self-giving is a way of life. (In passing, it might be well to point out that, since it is an expression of total commitment, the sexual act is wholly inappropriate outside of marriage.)

There are few things in these days of shifting ethics that can be stated so conclusively, and "thou shalt nots" are not at all in fashion, but this would seem to be one of them. Remember that scene in Fiddler on the Roof when Tevge is debating a theological point with himself and says, "On the one hand ... but on the other hand ..." and then he stops. "There is no other hand," he cries. As it happened, he was wrong in the play - but that would be a valid point to make about sexual relations outside of marriage. For sexual relations imply something that can’t exist apart from marriage - the responsibility for one another, and the self-giving which cannot be total in our society apart from the framework of a family. We like to think that we’re liberated and sophisticated in the late 20th century - but I know of nothing that hangs us up quite so badly as sex outside of marriage. It leads to loss of integrity, responsibility, sensitivity, personal freedom, and ultimately we are unable to cope with our guilt.

Perhaps we need to remember the lessons of first love - the walking home from school, the sodas in the drug store, the "accidental" brushing of hand against hand, and finally the holding of hands, and the goodnight kiss. The physical expression gathered up what you meant to each other. But then the kiss itself became the goal. You forgot that it gathered up the quiet walks of half a dozen weeks and said only what needed an adequate way of saying. It became the object that needed the walk only as a decent prelude. The kiss did not gather up the joy of the evening spent, but the evening was spent for the joy of the kiss. When the physical expression of our sexuality gathers up what we are to one another it becomes a means of grace. When it becomes the goal and object in itself, when there is nothing to gather up, it is hollow and heavy with frustration.

But within marriage it can indeed be a manifestation of one’s self-giving. It was Paul Lehman who said that the sexual act legitimizes marriage, rather than vice versa. We give, and we are one.

The Playboy philosophy, that sees the woman only as a thing, an accessory, entertainment, misses the possibility of delighting in the joy of another, and ministering to that joy.

As we give of ourselves to our spouse, we are moved to give to all men. Our concern for the daily bread of our own family ultimately leads us to concern for famine wherever it occurs in the world. As we give of ourselves to one whom we love, we learn to be concerned for all of life.

God so loved the world that he gave - and we, too, in our loving are moved to give or it is not really loving. The marriage gap is not an easy one to overcome - for the battle between the sexes seems real - the pull toward oneself is hard to overcome - and temptations beset us on all side. But if we see ourselves as standing under God as his creatures - if we accept our partner as a person and not a thing - and if we see our relationship to God as bound up in our relationship with our spouse - and if we mark the relationship not so much by what we take from it but by what we give - we can rejoice in life, and we can live in love.

CSS Publishing Co., Inc., Gap, The, by William McKee Aber