Colossians 3:18-4:1 · Rules for Christian Households
Close Up Parents: Be Cheerleaders, Not Jeer leaders
Colossians 3:21
Sermon
by James Merritt
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I am wondering right now how many frustrated people are in this building, or maybe watching by television, whose memories hearken back to parents that you could never totally please. Most every one of us in this room knows someone that is driven to succeed to the nth degree, because they are haunted by the ghost of unrealistic expectations that one or both parents placed on them. There are others in this room who live in perpetual sadness because of a parent that never showed them the affection and the attention that they deserved. My own father had a mother who lived to be ninety-nine years old and in ninety-nine years she never one time told him that she loved him.

We are in the middle of a series entitled, Picture Perfect, and we have been reminded that there is no such thing as a completely, totally, 24/7 picture perfect family. We have learned, however, that in God's eyes a picture perfect family is a family that strives to be a picture of His love for His glory.

Today, we are going to tackle, perhaps, the most difficult job in the world and the most difficult role in the family - that of being a parent. If you are a parent, you can relate to this and if you are not a parent, but one day will be, you had better remember this. There is a great tension that always exists for a parent and their desires for their children. The tension is this - on the one hand, we don't want to expect too much for our children. On the other hand, we don't want to expect too little.

I don't know of anything more frustrating for a child or more difficult to watch or more painful to experience than an over-bearing parent who demands from their children what they could never achieve for themselves. What is just as bad, if not worse, is the parent that demands from their children, what they did achieve for themselves even though the passions, giftedness, and interests of the child, may be totally different from their own.

For example, the father played quarterback and he wants his son to play quarterback even though the son doesn't even like football. The mother was a cheerleader. She wants her daughter to be a cheerleader even though she is shy and reserved and doesn't like cheerleading. To paraphrase a question Jesus asked, "What does it profit a son if he gains the quarterback position, but loses the joy of being a kid and being his own person?" What does it profit a daughter to become captain of the cheerleading squad and lose the happiness of growing up doing what she enjoys doing?

His name was Todd Marinovich. He was born on the 4th of July and from the time he drew his first breath, his father literally programmed him to be a great football quarterback. Marv, his dad, a former Oakland Raiders offensive lineman and assistant coach, drilled him from the time he was born with one goal - to be a star in the NFL.

For a while Todd responded. He was the 1987 All USA Offensive Player of the Year. He had no choice but to go to Southern California to play college ball, because his dad was co-captain of USC's 1962 National Champions.[[1]] To say that Marv had high hopes and great expectations for his son would be an understatement. Anything less than absolute perfection was ordinary in his mind. By his own admission, his dad was a dominating perfectionist. He said, "I told Todd when to eat, what to eat, when to go to bed, when to get up, when to workout and how to workout. By the way, this began when Todd was just a toddler.

He regimented his son's life to the nth degree. His son was literally going to be groomed for success and football perfection. His dad had him doing stretching exercises and weight training when he was five years old. Until he got to college, Todd Marinovich had never watched a cartoon on television or been allowed to eat any fast-food. In fact, when he got to college, he had never even tasted a Big Mac." [[2]]

Everything went according to plan until Todd actually got to Southern California and for the first time in his life, experienced a taste of independence in being his own person. Marinovich led the Trojans to the Rose Bowl as a red-shirt freshman, but by his sophomore year, there were bugs in the program. This young man, who never touched a Big Mac or watched cartoons, was arrested on drug charges and twice suspended from the team. Sports Illustrated put it this way, "In most ways, Marv, didn't have a life. He had Todd's life. Unfortunately, the two have grown so far apart at this point, that his father cannot even get the son on the telephone." [[3]]

Todd did make it to the NFL, leaving school after his junior year to become the first round draft pick of the Oakland Raiders. He lasted less than a year, because of drugs, played briefly in the Canadian Football League and the Arena Football League and then his life was followed by rape charges, attempted murder charges and more drug charges. The end of it all was put by a sports writer this way, "Todd's story is one of unmitigated expectations, an overly controlling parental figure and a lack of self-worth outside that conferred by others…" [[4]]

Sad story. Some of us have experienced it on one side or the other. Some of us are in danger of repeating some of these same mistakes. Let's face it, our children do not always meet our expectations and parents don't always meet the expectations of their children. No doubt about it, parenting can be very discouraging. All of us as parents are somewhat like the man who drove on to the used car lot and approached a salesman with this question, "Sir, are you the salesman who sold me this car?" The salesman looked him over pretty carefully and said, "Yes I believe I am." The owner of the used car said, "I wonder if you would mind telling me just how great this car is again; sometimes I get so discouraged!" It is tough being a parent and we need to be encouraged.

I've got some good news for all of us who are parents. God, the perfect parent, has a plan for parents that will maximize their effectiveness in being a parent and the well-being of their children.

God only has one expectation for parents. If you will meet this expectation, you will automatically have the right expectation for your children and you can become, not just their parents, but their best friend. [Key Take Away: Parents are to encourage the children to find God's will for their lives and to fulfill that will for God's glory.] Every parent is going to be primarily either a positive influence on his child or a negative influence on his child and this is exactly why Paul put it this way. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart." (Colossians 3:21, NASB) To put that negative in a positive fashion, God intends for parents to be the most positive influence on the lives of their kids. In order to do that, you simply need to give your children three things...

I. Give Your Children Love

Paul says in verse 21 that we must be careful in how we raise our children and how we relate to our children for this reason, "So that they will not lose heart." (Colossians 3:21, NASB)

There are two things that children crave from the time they are born and if they do not get them, then they "will lose heart." One is love and the other is acceptance. Have you noticed how children will accept other children only if they meet certain criteria? If a child is good looking, athletic, and smart he is generally accepted by kids. Parents need to give their children unconditional love and total and complete acceptance.

Parents - think about this. God chose your kids for you. He put them in your family. He chose them for you; you didn't choose them. Romans 15:7 says, "So accept each other just as Christ has accepted you; then God will be glorified." (Romans 15:7, NLT) Your love and your acceptance of your child, must never, ever, be performance based.

This is often how favoritism develops in a family. A father has two sons; one plays football and the other plays the piano. The dad was a football player and wanted his sons to play football as well. The dad may not even care about music. It is so important that that dad show the same enthusiasm, the same passion, and the same enjoyment for his piano playing son that he does for his football playing son, because then he conveys to both that he loves them and accepts them, because of who they are, not because of what he wants.

We are to love our children the same way that God loves us. The Bible says that God's love for us is the same as a father's love for his children. "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." (I John 3:1, NASB)

There are two ways that we are to bestow love on our children - Say it and show it. One of the ways that you show your children that you love them is literally through physical affection - hugs and pats on the back. Many of you are thinking to yourself, "I didn't grow up in a family that showed a lot of affection like that." It is time for you to start your own family culture, because there is no substitute for a hug. There is no substitute for that warm-loving touch. There is no substitute for that kiss that tells that child, "I love you and accept you and I am proud of you just the way you are."

You also show your children love through attention. Did you know one of the greatest ways you can show your child that you really love them and accept them is simply by listening to them when they talk? Giving them your full and undivided attention? Taking an opportunity to lay down with them at night just to talk to them and hear their dreams? Making sure you are always there when they really need you? Showing up for their ballgames, their concerts and their performances?

One hundred years ago, fifty-four percent of a parent's waking hours were spent with his or her children. Today, the figure is eighteen percent. Another study revealed that the average middle-aged father spends less than thirty-seven seconds per day with his small children. Is it any wonder when our children run into difficulties in the life they are hesitant to turn to their parents for help? A USA Today poll indicated that when teens are under stress or in crisis they turn first to music, second to friends and third to television. Moms came in thirty-first and fathers came in forty-eighth. [[5]]

More than 10,000 studies have concluded that kids do best when they are raised by loving, affectionate, attentive, committed mothers and fathers. They are less likely to be on illegal drugs, less likely to be retained in a grade and less like to drop out of school, less likely to commit suicide, less likely to be in poverty, less likely to become juvenile delinquents, and for the girls less likely to become teenage mothers. They are healthier both emotionally and physically than those that are not blessed with traditional loving, caring parents. [[6]]

Too many parents today give their children "things" but they don't give them love. They give them cars and clothes and cash, but they don't give them attention, affection and affirmation. Whatever else you give your children, if you want to be their number one cheerleader and not their number one jeer-leader, give them love.

II. Give Your Children Limits

There is a flip side to this coin of parenting. On one side is love, but on the other side is discipline. I realize that one of the most difficult and distasteful things a parent has to give to his child is discipline. The Bible makes it very plain that one of the jobs that God gives a parent is this - to set limits for their children and then correct those children when they deliberately transcend those limits. It is almost appalling and nauseating to go to a grocery store or a mall today and watch the way some parents allow their children to run completely wild.

Teresa was in a grocery store recently and watched a mother with a little girl that was about eight years old and her little brother who was about five years old continuously pulling items off the shelf. The little boy would throw them in the basket and then the little girl would then take them out and throw them on the floor. The mother never said a word to these children. This went on for a while as people began to watch and finally the mother picked up the little boy and put him in the basket. When she did, the little boy hauled off and slapped his mother as hard as he could across the arm and called her a name with an expletive I cannot even repeat in this pulpit. What did the mother do? She simply looked at the little boy, turned around and wheeled off with children in tow continuing to misbehave. That mother had one problem with those children - she didn't really love them. You really don't love your children if you are not willing to set limits for your children and to discipline them when they disobey and misbehave.

In case that sounds very strong to you, let me share with you what God says about it. Hebrews 12:6 says, "The Lord disciplines those who He loves." (Hebrews 12:6, NIV)

It is a proof of a parent's love when they lovingly discipline their children. Proverbs 13:24 says, "If you refuse to discipline your son it proves you don't love him." (Proverbs 13:24, LB)

Worse than that you are contributing to their own self-destruction. Proverbs 19:18 says, "Discipline your children while they are young enough to learn. If you don't, you are helping them to destroy themselves." (Proverbs 19:18, GN)

I want you to understand the difference between discipline and punishment. God never punishes us as His children; He disciplines us. When Jesus Christ died on the cross He took all the punishment for our sins. God still disciplines us when we disobey. You say, "What is the difference?" Punishment is intended to inflict penalty. Discipline is intended to promote growth. Punishment makes someone bitter. Discipline makes someone better.

One of the unexpected legacies of the affluent nineties that we just came through are parents who could not learn to say, "No." From fancy cell phones, to Ipods, to expensive cars, kids simply seem to get anything that they want and the problem is they always want more. Now, many psychologists, educators, and hopefully parents, realize it is time to start teaching kids something about hard work and delayed gratification. Kids who have been given too much stuff and not enough limits and loving discipline grow up to have difficulty coping with life's disappointments. Because of that, we now have a lot of people who have a distorted sense of entitlement that affects even their success in the workplace. [[7]]

There are two ways of embittering your children and causing them to lose heart. You can embitter them by giving them so much freedom and so few limits that they get the feeling you couldn't care less what happens to them or you can embitter them by being too strict and by not giving them the freedom to develop and there needs to be balance.

Yes, you can set limits too strict and standards that are too high. The Living Bible translates Colossians 3:21 this way. "Fathers don't scold your children so much that they become discouraged and quit trying." (Colossians 3:21, LB) Unfortunately, some parents are like the mother who sent her daughter upstairs with these instructions, "Go see what Sam is doing and tell him to quit it!"

You want to give you children the freedom to soar like eagles, but not to fly wild like a plane without a pilot. The best way to do that is to give your children the freedom to succeed or to fail whenever they are engaged in a constructive activity, but never give them the freedom to engage in a destructive activity. This is why the third point is so crucial...

III. Give Your Children Leadership

We are to lead our children to be the adults that God wants them to be. We are to do this in a way that encourages them rather than discourages them.

Paul put it this way in the next book over from Colossians. "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4, NASB)

Let me warn you of something if you are a parent. You are teaching all the time. If you have children, your home is bugged. You are teaching, training and leading twenty-four hours a day. You are never off the record with your children and I mean never. That is why it is so important that you exercise positive leadership in your family. The way you lead your children is just as important as where you lead your children. Proverbs 16:21 says," "The wise are known for their understanding, and instruction is appreciated if it's well presented." (Proverbs 16:21, NLT)

Let me give you an illustration of just how true that is. There was a company that had an end of the year banquet and they were going to give their top two salesmen and award, but they did it in a different fashion to prove a point. They sent them out of the room and rearranged tables and chairs in a maze. They brought the first salesman back into the room, blindfolded him, and this is the way they guided him through the maze. Every time he made a wrong turn, someone would slap him on the back, but every time he made a right turn, no one would do anything. It took him seven and one-half minutes to go through that maze. When he finally got there and they took off his blindfold, to say the least, his attitude was not really good.

They then brought the second salesman in, but this time instead of slapping him on the back when he took a wrong turn, they would take a spoon and tap their glass every time he made a right turn. He made it through the maze in ninety seconds and his attitude was great.

You can teach your kids in one of two ways. You can teach them by being negative all the time, screaming all the time, fussing all the time, nagging all the time or you can teach them by trying to be positive, looking for the good and not the bad, looking for the right and not the wrong, looking always for ways you could build them up and not tear them down. In every situation you face with your kids, this is the number one question you ought to be asking. It is the key question: What is the spiritually encouraging thing to do?

The most powerful and practical way to accomplish that is to lead your children spiritually by giving them the Word of God and getting them into the Word of God. There is not a greater thing a parent can do for his children than to meet that single one expectation that God has for them which is to encourage your children - to find God's will for their lives and fulfill that will for God's glory.

There is a couple in our church who gave me the permission to share this story. They recently came to our church and trusted Christ and gave their hearts to Him. I was in their home a week or so ago and they shared the story of how for many, many years, because they differed on their religious views and came out of two totally religious backgrounds they just agreed they would never discuss religion in their home. They would never discuss spiritual matters. The mother had gotten so embittered against religion that she decided the best way to handle her son was simply to let her son make up his own mind about spiritual matters. By their own admission, they gave their son no spiritual leadership whatsoever. They shared with me, with a broken heart, how their son is now into Buddhism and how they want their son, now, to come to know the Lord Jesus Christ as they have come to know the Lord Jesus Christ. They looked at me and said, "We would give anything if we had our lives to do over again, so we could give our son the spiritual leadership that he deserves."

Parents, as you know, you've got to earn the right to lead your children. Real parental leadership can only be exercised in the context of the loving relationship. Let me give you some ways you could be your child's number one cheerleader rather than their number one jeer-leader.

  • Spend at least one to two hours uninterrupted with each one of your children doing something they enjoy doing.
  • Surprise your child with a trip to a movie or an aquarium or a park.
  • Have a family night where each child gets to choose the activity of the evening for that family.
  • Ask your child to share with you three things that would make you a better parent in their eyes.
  • Lay your hands on each child, bless them, pray for them and tell them you love them unconditionally and that you are proud of them simply for who they are.

George H. W. Bush, the former President of the United States has a resume that anybody would admire.

  • He was a hero in World War II shot down as a pilot defending his country.
  • He was elected to the U.S. Congress.
  • He was a United States Ambassador to the United Nations.
  • He was Director of the CIA.
  • He was the Vice-President of the United States.
  • He was the President of the United States.

He was interviewed by a reporter a few years ago and was asked this question, "What was the proudest moment of your career?" President Bush said, "This may sound like a cliché, but I'll put it this way. The proudest thing in my life is that my children still come home." You be your children's number one cheerleader, not their number one jeer-leader and they will still come home.


[1] www.USAToday.com/sports/press/football/2001-12-26-allusa-marinovich.html

[2] Woodonsports.blogspot.com/2006/02/whateverhappened-to-todd-marinovich.html

[3] ESPN.go.com/pg2/s/list/badblood.html

[4] Woodonsports.blogspot.com/2006/02/whateverhappened-to-todd-marinovich.html

[5] Robert Jeffries, The Solomon Secrets, pp 180-181.

[6] Dr. James Dobson, Marriage Under Fire, p. 54

[7] "Power," Newsweek, September 13, 2004.

ChristianGlobe Networks, Inc., Collected Sermons, by James Merritt