... ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of ...
1402. PUNography
Humor Illustration
Johnny Dean
... die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about ...
... of Jesus and trusting in the power of God that fuels this calling. Jesus also instructs his disciples not to play “favorites.” Once they enter a village they are to stay put in the first home that welcomes them. No “upgrades.” No switching seats. No matter how successful or disastrous the outcome of their visit, they are to stay put in one place. Perhaps most startling is that Jesus acknowledges to his mission team that despite the fact that they will be teaching and healing under the auspices of ...
... of Jesus and trusting in the power of God that fuels this calling. Jesus also instructs his disciples not to play “favorites.” Once they enter a village they are to stay put in the first home that welcomes them. No “upgrades.” No switching seats. No matter how successful or disastrous the outcome of their visit, they are to stay put in one place. Perhaps most startling is that Jesus acknowledges to his mission team that despite the fact that they will be teaching and healing under the auspices of ...
... smokes. Holy smokes. God is here. This is holy ground. I am standing in the presence of God.” It is a day that will stay with you as long as you live. When everyone has eaten their fill, they gather up what is left over, as the Teacher instructs, ... was with him, and he was filled with warmth, and love and joy‑‑and he knew he was with Jesus. He wanted nothing more than to stay there, but Jesus told him he must return to earth. When the man said he could not go back and be as he was before, Jesus assured ...
... ”), he also pairs that emotion with another imperative: “Do not sin.” He further curtails that anger by placing a time limit on its existence with the proverbial “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Carefully nursed anger, anger that stays the night, anger that takes up residence in the heart, offers a potential place (“topos”) for the devil to take up residence. The sacred space that is the community of faith must avoid offering the powers of darkness any foothold within their midst ...
... their post — not the ones who are looking for a miracle, but those who are performing the miracle of obedience and service in the worst imaginable conditions. Only if you are willing to stay faithful to your faith when there is no hope, when it makes no sense, when you see no sense in it, when the world is against you, and you stay faithful anyway, that's where you meet Jesus. The caregiver, the one who carries the cross for others, the one willing to sacrifice a life for a friend — the message of John ...
... states free he would be able to reframe the war as a crusade against slavery. They would have no choice but to stay neutral. For that he needed a victory for political cover, and a victory with such a general wasn't forthcoming. In the ... fall of 1862, General Lee began a campaign through Maryland, hoping to destabilize a southern state that had stayed with the Union. However, on September 10, Lee's plans fell into the lap of General McClelland. A soldier found three cigars on ...
... Jesus," and I would inwardly shake my head in disbelief. Jesus sure didn't grasp the ways of the world. He certainly didn't understand the twentieth century. Nor did he understand how in business the ones who were last stayed last and the ones that were first had to scrape their way to the top and keep scraping to stay there. "Give away all that you have and follow ... anyone who wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all," Jesus cried. And I wanted to cry as well, because I wasn't about to ...
... guidance systems to the bathroom, or emergency lighting systems. Basically though, we are all still afraid of the dark. Fear of the dark isn’t just some childish weakness. It is a genetically ingrained reaction, programmed into our earliest ancestors who struggled to stay alive when the nocturnal predators came out to hunt. Children might fear imaginary monsters, but there are enough real life things that go bump in the night to encourage us to keep a dark-defying light on throughout the wee, small hours ...
... greatest law-giver and the greatest prophet. On the mountaintop, in the presence of the glory, Peter said, "Master, it is good for us to be here" (Luke9:33). Then he wanted to build three shrines to honor these great men. He would just as soon have stayed there. Life is so much better, so much nearer God on the mountaintop. Why ever come down again? Now, no one could see anything — a fog, a cloud had settled around them — scary. Suddenly, a voice projected from the cloud, "This is my Son, whom I have ...
... They wanted him to intervene, to save their brother. For some reason, Jesus and his disciples did not immediately heed their summons. They stayed two more days where they were and then they returned to Judea, which was a two-day journey. This is important. We are told ... that there was an ancient belief that the life force of a dead person’s body stayed in close proximity for 3 days, then there was no hope of life. John tells us in two places (Verses 17 and 39) that ...
... stands up to demonstrate) Lee: And they were traveling but they wanted to be at home — like me. Sarah: They needed to stay overnight. Gail: So they looked for a motel. Jeff: But “no vacancy” signs were everywhere: No room! Lucy: So they got desperate and ... creative ... Jeff: Joe and Mary asked the barn animals if they could stay with them. Rebecca: (gets a puppet from the manger in the back of the shop) “Moo-sure,” said the cow. (People at ...
... the shore. The wind tore at her clothes and the sun warmed her head and filled her with wild, joyful singing! “I felt as though I could fly, as though the Holy Spirit were in the strong gusts, ready to lift me off my feet into heaven.” Ellyn continues, “I stayed there as long as I dared. Knowing that my family would be waiting impatiently, I went down the spiral stairs at last. But inside my heart, I felt as though I carried a promise from God. At twelve, I didn’t know what to call the feeling ...
... addiction is to gambling or pornography and many other kinds of addiction. Overcoming an addiction is hard work. It takes courage, willpower, the support of others, and the grace of God at a minimum. But, at least you know what you have to do. You have to stay away from whatever it is you are addicted to. We can completely cut ourselves off from some things that are bad for us. First Timothy proclaims that money is bad for us, or at least that coveting money, loving money, chasing after money is bad for us ...
... ) The answer to the question, "How do we continue in the journey of forgiveness?" is God. As Chuck Swindoll wrote in his final paragraph about Mr. Slagle. For your sake, let me urge you to "put away all bitterness" now. There's no reason to stay in POW camp a minute longer. The escape route is clearly marked. It leads to the cross ... where the only one who had a right to be bitter wasn't.[3] Amen. 1. Couples' Devotional Bible (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 2000), p. 782. 2. Charles Swindoll ...
... song, "Tell Me The Story Of Jesus." The third verse says: Tell of the cross where they nailed him writhing in anguish and pain. Tell of the grave where they laid him; tell how he liveth again. Love in that story so tender clearer than ever I see. Stay, let me weep while you whisper; love paid the ransom for me.[5] On our journey of faith each of us must come to a personal relationship with Christ. Love ... Christ ... paid the ransom for our lives. We do not come to Christ by osmosis, wishful thinking, or ...
... accustomed to saying thank you for routine things: a door held open, a compliment, a gift. But how do we adequately thank a person who has brought a loved one back from the dead? Peter goes on his way, on to the next place where he will stay, where he will preach, where he will heal. He leaves Tabitha, alive and well, behind in Joppa. She is among the good works that Peter leaves behind. Earlier, we caught a glimpse of the good works that Tabitha had left behind. Tunics, cloaks, robes, shawls, and such ...
... it so strongly that he and his companions changed their itinerary immediately in response to that vision. Perhaps this sort of turn-on-a-dime operation is acceptable for a missionary. It's a little hard to imagine in other lines of work, however. Does the salesman staying in Phoenix tell his boss that he decided to change plans and hop on a plane to San Diego instead because he had a vision of a San Diegan in the middle of the night? Of course not. Yet Paul and company instantly pulled up their stakes ...
... . It was the perfect setting for some regeneration of her spirit after the loss of her husband a little over a year ago. She felt undergirded and sustained by this beautiful setting. A week into their summer stay, a wealthy neighbor on the cape decides that the little house in which Sally and her sons are staying would be a perfect spillover for guests that he wished to have visit him during the summer. He comes to Sally and says, "Look, in the past I have not had the best relationship with the owner ...
... of presence." It is offering a physical, visual account of the hope that is in us. A friend of mine commented in a sermon once that he noticed as his parishioners served a meal at a homeless shelter an "invisible line." The homeless men stayed on one side of the table, and the church workers stayed on the other side. "What would it be like if we mixed that up?" my friend wondered out loud. What message - what word of God, even - might we be embodying if we walked around the table to the other side, or if we ...
... in Jerusalem, frozen and unconcerned. Those charged with “keeping tabs” on the word of faith for the Jewish people stayed put and did nothing when confronted with the portents and possibilities of the very best of “good news.” Yes ... the magi in their journey. None bother to move a muscle to see if the prophecy is coming true. The religious establishment simply stay put in Jerusalem and return to their normal lives. Herod is much more prescient and pro-active. He swiftly summons the magi “in secret ...
... wrote to the president of Marriott Hotels, “I’ll never meet you. And I don’t need to meet you. Because I met Charles. I know what you stand for . . . I want to assure you that as long as I live, I will stay at your hotels. And I will tell my friends to stay at your hotels.” (Told in Turned On by Roger Dow and Susan Cook [Harper Business, 1996].) [This would be a great moment to move down into the congregation for a time of congregational interaction. You might start it like this: . . . . . I know ...
... gift of the spendy and scented perfume added yet another layer to the celebrity feeling of the evening. Food. Family. Friends. Fragrance. The nose knows. There is no human sensibility that awakens deeper feelings and memories than the sense of smell. Jesus stayed in Bethany to engage with and enjoy the company of his great friends. Jesus accepted the gift of Mary’s anointing, of the fragrance that dispelled all the miasma of Lazarus’ death (remember how the KJV put it: “He stinketh”?), to celebrate ...
... where they were, though where they were was not where they would have chosen to be. We’ve seen in this adverse situation the disciples’ attitude, singing in jail. We’ve seen their actions. Trusting God, they stayed where they were. Now we’re going to see their impact on others. The jailer woke up, and when he saw the prison doors open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself because he thought the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted, “Don’t harm yourself! We ...