Sometimes you discover a word of truth in the strangest places. In the book A SOUTHERN BELLE PRIMER, Marilyn Schwartz writes about the traditions, mysteries, and preparation that go into becoming a true Southern belle. One quality that every Southern belle must possess, according to Ms. Schwartz, is SPARKLE--that mixture of poise and vivaciousness that draws everyone's eyes and ears to her. One belle from Alabama commented that she learned to sparkle in dance class. At the tender age of six, she was chosen ...
For more than twenty years, the television show Saturday Night Live has been known for its irreverent, sometimes outrageous humor. A recurring segment on Saturday Night Live is called "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handley." The deep thoughts consist of nothing more than touchy-feely psychobabble that sounds pretty good, but actually makes no sense. Here is a sample: "To me, it's a good idea," says Jack Handley, "to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "˜Hey, can you ...
The head of a large real estate company kept a small sign above his desk that read, "I'm the Boss." One of his salesman taped a note to the sign that read, "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" Old shoes tied to the back bumper of a car signify that the couple inside have just gotten married. Where did this custom come from? In days of yore, historians tell us, the bride's father gave the bride's old shoes to her new husband as a sign that he, the groom, was now responsible for her. In some cases ...
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you please state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair, the psychologist opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated ...
Where can I be safe? That is a question many people are asking. All of us want to know that our home is safe, our family is safe, that those we love are protected. Some unknown wit has suggested some signs that you can put around your home to keep it safe from burglars. Perhaps you will find these signs helpful: Sign #1. Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! Sign #2. Dear Mr. Mailman, Please be sure to keep all parts ...
The story's told that at a celebrity party, singer Stevie Wonder met golf champ, Tiger Woods. Wonder mentioned that he, too, is an excellent golfer. Tiger was a bit skeptical that the blind musician could play golf well, but he was too polite to say anything. "When I tee off," the singer explained, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger was impressed, and Stevie suggested that they play a round. When Tiger agreed, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $100, ...
A woman with fourteen children, ages one through fourteen, sued her husband for divorce on the grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you?" the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago," she replied. "If he left thirteen years ago, where did all these children come from?" asked the judge. "Oh," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry." Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not ...
Last year, newspapers around the world carried the story of Eric Abbott, a British sailor who makes a habit of getting lost. On August 10, 2000, the British coast guard rescued Eric Abbott for the sixth time after he sailed off course and ran aground. You would think after all these mishaps, he would give up sailing. No way. Abbott plans on hitting the water again soon. Some would admire Abbott for saying that he won't give up sailing. The members of the British coast guard don't share that admiration. It ...
A group of friends went deer hunting. They separated into pairs. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under an eight-point buck. The other hunters asked, "Where's Harry?" The lone hunter replied, "Harry fainted a couple miles up the trail." The others couldn't believe it. "You mean you left him lying there and carried the deer back instead?" The man answered, "It was a tough call, but I figured no one was going to steal Harry." To this deer hunter it was simply a matter of priorities. And one ...
Movie producer William Castle was known in the 1950s for his low-quality horror films. In 1961, Castle did something totally unique in movie history: he let the audience choose the ending to his movie. Castle's movie, Mr. Sardonicus, was about a crazed, reclusive killer. Near the end of the film, ushers stopped the film and allowed audiences to vote on whether the killer should live or die. Then, the ushers ran the ending that the audience chose. The audience always chose death for the bad guy. It's a good ...
Two men--hundreds of years apart--climbed mountains and the world has not been the same since. Moses climbed Mount Sinai. He had received a personal invitation from God. "Come up here on the mountain," said the Almighty to Moses, "and I will give you tables of stone, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that you may teach them." And Moses climbed the mountain and a cloud covered it. And suddenly the glory of the Lord filled Mount Sinai, and the cloud remained more than six days. On the seventh ...
A mother mouse was giving her baby mice their first tour of the barn. She and the children walked from one end of the barn to the other. They were enjoying their walk until they came face to face with a large cat who seemed quite eager to pounce upon them. But, rather than succumb to cruel fate, the mother mouse drew up her face, looked the cat straight in the eye . . . and began to loudly bark like a dog! The cat was so startled that it turned tail and ran away. The mother mouse turned to her children and ...
*Have someone sing the refrain: "Were you there when they crucified my Lord? Were you there when they crucified my Lord? O-o-o-o, sometimes it causes me to tremble, tremble, tremble. Were you there when they crucified my Lord?" Two young boys in Kenya were out working in the fields cutting grass. As they swung their long knives through the tall stalks, one young boy stumbled into the other's path. He suffered a deep cut to his heel. The two boys dropped their knives and headed immediately for the mission ...
Welcome on this first Sunday of a New Year. I trust that one of your resolutions for this year is to be in worship every week. Good for you. That's one resolution you've kept for at least one week. I heard about one poor fellow who decided to make only resolutions this year he could keep. He resolved to gain weight, to stop exercising, to read less and watch more TV, to procrastinate more, to quit giving money and time to charity, to not date any member of the cast of Baywatch, and to never make New Year's ...
On September 16, 1998, a funeral service was held at the First United Methodist Church of Montgomery, Alabama. It was the funeral service for George Wallace, the former governor of Alabama. In the 1960s Mr. Wallace was the symbol for racism and bigotry in our country. In his 1963 inaugural speech he proclaimed, "Segregation Now, Segregation Tomorrow, Segregation Forever!" When African-American students attempted to enroll at the University of Alabama, he attempted to prevent their entry, and when Dr. ...
Gloria Swanson was one of Hollywood's top actresses from the 1920s to the 1950s. She was quite ambitious. Early in her career, Swanson was quoted as saying, "I have gone through enough of being a nobody. I have decided that when I am a star, I will be every inch and every moment the star! Everybody from the studio gate man to the highest executive will know it." And Swanson made sure of that. Before returning from a trip to France, Gloria Swanson sent a telegram to her film studio informing them that she ...
Bernard Kerik is a former New York City police commissioner. Kerik always kept a low profile in his job. He was not a man who sought publicity. And then came the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Suddenly, Kerik's face was all over the national and international news. He organized and led the highly-praised police response following the attacks. In his autobiography, Bernard Kerik talks about the rocky road that led him into police work. He dropped out of high school, then entered his chosen ...
Sometime back the United States Treasury tackled one of its most vexing problems. Sophisticated, hi-tech resources now available to the average citizen have become real problems to the Treasury Department. With the introduction of high quality ink jet printers, computer scanners and other office equipment into homes and offices across the nation, the amount of counterfeit money almost doubled in the years between 1992 and 1997. Counterfeit money became hard to distinguish from the real thing. Thus, in 1998 ...
(Father's Day) Comedian Johnny Carson said his son gave him a paper which read, "To the man who has inspired me with his fatherly wisdom." Carson said, "Son I didn't know you felt that way about me." His son said, "I don't, can you fax this to Bill Cosby?" Fathers have a hard times nowadays getting respect. Maybe there's a reason for that. Many Dads in our society disappear. And, sad to say, others stay around who perhaps should disappear. Actress Suzanne Sommers has earned a new reputation in the show biz ...
A substitute Sunday School teacher couldn't open the combination lock on the supply cabinet. So she went to the pastor for help. The pastor started turning the dial of the combination lock, stopped after the first two numbers, looked up serenely toward heaven, began moving his lips silently, turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher gasped, "I'm in awe of your faith, pastor." "Really," he said, "it's nothing. The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." (1) I wish the answers to all ...
You may have heard about the three people who were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?" "It's me, Jim Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in. Then St. Peter asked the second one the same question, "Who's there?" "It's me, Sammy Smith," the voice replied. And St. Peter let him in. Finally he turns to the third, asking the same question, "Who's there?" "It is I, Ruth Randolph," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers ...
Greater love has no man than this . . . The Civil War ended in 1865. But it wasn't until 1997 that the last shot of that war was fired. In 1997, two young boys were playing around with their new Christmas present, a metal detector. Using their new toy, they came across a live shell that dates back to the Civil War. The boys, Michael and Andrew Zimmerman of Winchester, Virginia, didn't know what the shell was at first. Neither did their uncle, Michael Robinson. He reports poking and banging on it as he ...
Can you make an accurate judgement of a person based on his or her name? There was a motion picture sometime back with the simple title, "Heathers." The movie gave a less than flattering portrait of young women with that name. Is it true? When you choose names for your children, do you give thought to what their name might mean to their future success in life? In an issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, Dr. Howard J. Bennett presented a personal study of the various names of people in ...
Object: A flower and a blackboard or a piece of posterboard. Good morning, boys and girls: I once read a beautiful story about a man named Charney who was thrown into a terrible dungeon by the emperor of his country and forgotten about. He was so sad that he wrote on the walls of his cell: "Nobody cares." (Write that on your blackboard.) But one day he noticed that a little green shoot of a flower was growing between the stones of his cell. It was so tiny that he hardly noticed it. Each day when the guards ...
Have you ever gotten so angry with your boss that you wanted to walk out the door? Not just walk out the door, but to exact a little revenge in the process? Advice columnist Jeffrey Zaslow once asked his readers that question. Here is what he got: Several waitresses and secretaries said their most satisfying career moves were out the door. Gina, a Woolworth's waitress, told how her boss once offered a ten-cent raise, "as a big favor." Gina saw it as a big insult, and her customers egged her on to quit. It ...