Are you nervous in the presence of celebrities? Would you feel awkward if President Bush came to your house for lunch today? Are there people around whom you are very selfconscious? There is a famous story about a woman who goes into an ice cream store. Suddenly she recognizes that Robert Redford is also buying ice cream in that store. The woman is on the verge of swooning with ecstasy, but she is determined to remain calm. She does not want to disgrace herself or invade her favorite movie star's privacy. ...
There is an old vaudeville joke that goes like this. What is worse than a oneweek vacation in Philadelphia? The answera twoweek vacation in Philadelphia. The reason: Philadelphia rolls up its sidewalks after dark. It's unfair, of course, to label Philadelphia in this way. In the years preceding and immediately following World War II, most American cities were like Philadelphia. Almost everything in them, from retail outlets to radio stations, was packed away for the night. The idea of stores and ...
The question on the job application read, "Have you ever been arrested?" The applicant printed the word "No" in the space. The next question was a followup to the first. It asked, "Why?" Not realizing he did not have to answer this part, one honest applicant wrote, "I guess it's because I never got caught." A Jeff Danziger cartoon shows a company president announcing to his staff, "Gentlemen, this year the trick is honesty." From one side of the conference table, a vice president gasps, "Brilliant." Across ...
Once upon a time in the heart of a certain kingdom, lay a beautiful garden. Of all the dwellers of the garden, the most beautiful and beloved to the master of the garden was a splendid and noble Bamboo. Year after year, Bamboo grew yet more beautiful and gracious. He was conscious of his master's love, yet he was modest and in all things gentle. Often when Wind came to revel in the garden, Bamboo would throw aside his dignity. He would dance and sway merrily, tossing and leaping and bowing in joyous ...
Some people look with bewilderment at some of the racial strife in our society today--particularly the tension between the “Black lives matter” movement and police departments across our land. However, some of you are old enough to know that we have been here before. In his fine book, On a Wild and Windy Mountain, William H. Willimon tells of being in New Haven, Connecticut as a student at Yale in l970 during the famous Black Panther Trial. Those of you who remember that turbulent era recall the strife, ...
In his book Talking Straight Lee Iacocca shares some interesting stories about raising funds for the 100th birthday celebration of the Statue of Liberty. For example, there was a man from Poland who sent $2 for "this beautiful symbol." He never expected to see the statue himself, but at least he could dream about it. There was a money order from a refugee camp in Thailand. Seventy-eight homeless Vietnamese had passed the hat and come up with $114.19 as "our humble share for the rehabilitation of her ...
There are some things in life that are worth any price. How much would you take for your health? For one of your children? For your good mind? Many of us do not appreciate the really important things in life until we lose them. But there are some things that are priceless, though we may not realize their worth at the time. When Joseph Haydn worked for years as a composer for a certain Prince Paul in Germany, the Prince's advisors constantly advised him that the money could better be spent on fortifications ...
Religion has always been a rich vein for humorists to mine, particularly the differences between denominations. For example, two men were in an airplane and the plane developed engine trouble. It was clear that they were going to be killed. One said to the other, "Well, this is it. We are going to die. Are you religious?" The other one said, "No, are you?" The first one said, "No. I'm not either. We ought to do something religious, though, because we're going to be dead in a few seconds. Don't you remember ...
We have been dealing the past couple of weeks with some of the most basic human emotions--anger, hatred, resentment. This morning we want to deal with another--envy. A popular form of humor recently has been light bulb jokes. For example, "How many Wall Street brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?" The answer: "One, The broker holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him." Or, "how many Exxon officials does it take to change a light bulb. Ten. One to turn the bulb and nine to handle ...
We all love happy endings. We like to see life work out. There is a story about Hollywood producer Sam Goldwyn. He once listened to director Billy Wilder describe in detail the true life story of a famous artist. Wilder thought it would make a great movie. "Does it end happy?" Goldwyn wanted to know. "Well," said Wilder, "it winds up with the guy in an insane asylum thinking he's a horse." Goldwyn threw Wilder out the door. But Wilder wasn't discouraged. He poked his head back in and said, "Okay, how about ...
Sometimes Christians do not live out what the Master taught them. Some tragic occurrences have happened in history in the name of Christ. This morning's message is not a defense of the Christian religion. I remember a sequence on All in the Family several years ago in which Archie Bunker is arguing with "the Meathead", his son-in-law, a professed agnostic. The son-in-law asks, "Archie, if there is a God, why is there so much suffering in the world?" There is a long, awkward silence. Finally Archie yells, " ...
American Humorist Robert Benchley was leaving an elegant tavern one evening. As usual he had a little too much liquid refreshment and was a little tipsy. He found himself face to face with a uniformed man whom he took to be the doorman. “Would you get me a taxi, my good man?” Benchley asked. The uniformed man drew himself up proudly and said, “See here, I happen to be a rear admiral in the United States Navy.” Benchley then drew HIMSELF UP and said belligerently, “Get me a battleship then.” In Benchley’s ...
The READER'S DIGEST tells of young Matthew, age 4, eating an apple in the back seat of the car. "Daddy," said Matthew, "why is my apple turning brown?" His father explained, "Because after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came in contact with the air which caused it to oxidize, thus changing its molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence, and then Matthew asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?" (1) It's a challenge to communicate to a small child. ...
"[Sometime back] the San Francisco Examiner carried the photograph of a sixtysevenyearold black man with a smile that went from ear to ear. The light coming from his eyes was extraordinary. "The accompanying story told about this man who had been a longshoreman all his life and had retired at the age of sixtyfive. He was an alcoholic. He visited the same bar every day. One day he found that he was bored and decided to ask the universe for help. He didn't really expect an answer. However, he heard a little ...
It is an old story, but a good one. Former baseball manager Billy Martin told it in his autobiography titled NUMBER 1. He says he and Mickey Mantle were doing a little hunting down in Texas. Mickey had a friend who would let him hunt on his ranch. When they got there, Mickey told Billy to wait in the car while he went in and cleared things with his friend. Permission was quickly granted for them to hunt, but the owner asked Mickey to do him a favor. He had a pet mule in the barn who was going blind and he ...
Each Lenten season we come to the same troubling question. Why did Judas betray his Master? Thirty pieces of silver was a paltry sum. Why go to the trouble? There is evidence to indicate that before the betrayal, Judas had a place of honor among the disciples. The fact that he was the treasurer shows he was trusted. John 13:29 indicates that he may have been reclining alongside Jesus at the last supper. He was in a place of honor. Why in Heaven's name did he do it? What caused him to betray innocent blood ...
Sportswriter Red Smith once told a story about novelist and film writer, Laurence Stallings. Though he was not a sportswriter, Stallings took an assignment to cover a football game between the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Illinois. The year was 1925. The brilliant halfback Red Grange was on the field that afternoon and he was dazzling. On a muddy field he broke loose for three touchdowns and set up another. The old hands in the press box were pounding away at their typewriters. Not ...
In one of the PEANUTS cartoons, a little girl calls Charlie Brown on the telephone. "Marcie and I are about to leave for camp, Chuck," she says. "We're going to be swimming instructors." Marcie takes the phone and adds: "We just called to say goodbye, Charles. We are going to miss you. We love you." The perennial loser Charlie Brown stands by the phone with a grin on his face. One little friend asks, "Who was that?" He answers, "I think it was a right number." Jesus was speaking to the church: "This I ...
How do you know its going to be a bad day? One cynic says its when you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold...when your horn gets stuck behind a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang...when you see a 60 MINUTES news team waiting in your office...when you hit a hole-in-one in golf, and you're playing alone. A cowboy out west was in a heap of trouble. A wild bull was after him. Head down and nostrils snorting, the bull charged toward him. The cowboy dove into a convenient recess in the ground. As soon as ...
A psychology professor was giving his students a test. He asked one question concerning manic depression. "What would you call someone," the question read, "who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute and then sits in a chair and weeps uncontrollably the next?" One of the students answered, "A basketball coach." Coaching basketball must take a terrible toll emotionally. That's why Indiana's Bobby Knight is famous for his tantrums, and Las Vegas Nevada's Jerry Tarkanian chews on a ...
Many of you pride yourself on being good business people. Suppose someone reputable made you the following offer: You go into business with me. It will be expensive, but I guarantee it will be worth it. You dig up whatever cash you can find. Take out an equity loan on your house, cash in the value of your life insurance policy, pay the penalty, and take the money out of your IRA accounthowever you can come up with cash, do it. Then, if you work hard, and follow the company manual, sacrifice and give your ...
We give God thanks today for another New Year. We are eternal optimists, are we not? We somehow expect that this year will be better than last year. Deep in our hearts we agree with Lucy in the PEANUTS cartoons when she says, "I don't want ups and downs. I want ups and ups and ups!" We are more realistic than that. Still, we hope for more ups than downs. There is an old Eskimo blessing that goes like this: May you have warmth in your igloo, oil in your lamp, and peace in your heart. That is my New Year's ...
An old story comes to us from Alexander the Great's conquest of the Persian Empire. In that conquest Alexander's soldiers overran the palace of Darius the king. Looking for things to steal, one soldier came upon a leather bag containing the crown jewels of Persia. The stones were worth millions. However, the ignorant soldier dumped them on a rubbish heap, saving only the leather bag. He ran around the camp telling the other men about the marvelous bag he'd found to carry his food. How often in life we ...
Over a thousand years ago, a Spanish kingdom was under attack by foreign invaders. For many years, one small fort withstood all assaults, thanks to a remarkable leader called El Cid. When their great leader died, his followers had an idea. They dressed his body in his armor, tied a sword in his hand, and placed his corpse on his horse. With El Cid's body in the lead, the Spanish forces charged. But they were quickly defeated, for this act fooled no one. A desperate trick that collapsed led to despair ...
The prophet Jeremiah asked 2700 years ago, "Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil." (13:23) In other words, can a person change his or her basic nature? Can the cruel become kind, the vulgar become refined, the coward become courageous? It is an important question. Few of us are all we want to be. Is there any hope for us? Albert Einstein once said that it is easier to denature plutonium than it is to denature the evil spirit ...