John 11:17-37 · Jesus Comforts the Sisters
The Grief Grinch
John 11:17-37
Sermon
by David E. Leininger
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We are approaching an exciting time of the year - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's. Times of celebration. Times for friends and family. Times of joy. And for some, times of incredible sadness. The holidays will be hard because someone with whom previous special days were shared is gone. To paraphrase Tennyson's In Memoriam, "Never Christmas wore to New Year's but some heart did break." If you have never experienced that, I would be tempted to offer congratulations, but I will not. They would probably simply be premature. The name of the Grinch who stole Christmas year-in and year-out is grief.

Perhaps there is an ache inside you this year that intensifies each time you think of turkeys or mistletoe or presents under the tree. Perhaps your wish is, not so much to have HAPPY holidays this year, but just to survive them. You hear the Psalmist say "For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him. He is my rock, my salvation, my fortress, my deliverance..." Hmmm.

[Eyes heavenward] Well, God, deliver me from THIS! Can you arrange it so November 15 will be followed by January 16? If not that, at least give me some SURVIVAL TIPS to help me manage this year.

I have good news. You have been given some survival tips. The lesson from John's gospel this morning provides some - resources for dealing with grief at the holidays or any days. Follow the story and see how it works out.

You remember the situation: Jesus had received word that His good friend Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha, had died. By the time Jesus and the disciples got to the family home in Bethany, great numbers had already arrived. After all, Lazarus had been dead for four days by now, and the normal period of intense grief for Jews in first century Palestine was a full week. There was plenty of weeping and wailing going on and plenty more yet to be done, and it was to be done by as many people as possible. It might appear to you and me as a little contrived - all the noise, the really excessive displays of emotion...but if the tables were turned and they had the chance to watch what WE do in the same situation, they might consider our reserved behavior a sign of disrespect for the dead. All the wailing was their way of doing honor to the deceased. At any rate, there is one thing that is common to both cultures: the gathering of friends - a marvelous resource for coping with grief in the first century or the twenty-first.

In my younger days, I wondered whether I should bother someone who has just lost a loved one. Should I intrude? Now I know. Anyone who has ever gone through such a thing will probably tell you just HOW MUCH it meant for friends to drop by...no need for particular words of consolation, no need for another shoulder to cry on, no need for answers as to why death would come...just friends' BEING THERE was as much a help to the bereaved as anything else. Pain shared is pain divided, and it is true of grief. Grief which is shared is a grief which is divided among those who share it and one is able to carry it easier. It is important when grief comes to your house that PEOPLE come too, just like at Mary and Martha's.

Dealing with grief during the holidays will respond to the same dynamic. Despite the temptation to shut yourself off, to find some quiet corner to curl up in, do not do it. BE WITH PEOPLE... people who are important to you.

Back to the story. Jesus and His disciples arrived outside Bethany. Word was sent in to the sisters' home that the Master had come. Immediately, Martha came out to speak to Him: "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died" (11:21). There was a bitter edge to those words, but she realized how they sounded almost as soon as they had passed her lips. A few words from Jesus seemed to comfort her and, at His request, she went back to the house to get Mary.

I wonder if Martha cried. The Scripture does not say anything about tears from her. Perhaps tears were not her style. Remember, Martha was the worker. When Jesus had come to visit them on a previous occasion, Martha was the one who had busied herself with all the household chores, getting things cleaned up, fixing dinner and so on while Mary was content to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to what He had to say. If you recall, Martha resented that, figuring that Mary should carry a part of the load too. Martha was an active woman, and maybe she was working out her grief by being active rather than crying. We do not know.

We DO know that Mary was crying. She might well have been crying for the past four days. When Martha came to tell her that Jesus wanted to speak to her, the Gospel account says that the other mourners who were there followed along, figuring that she was going back to the tomb to do some more weeping. That was the perfectly acceptable custom of the day. There was no indication that anyone had followed Martha when SHE left the house. Martha was the stoic through it all; perhaps the people there figured she did not NEED them. Mary, on the other hand, quite obviously needed her friends. She was crying, so they would cry with her. By the time she got to Jesus, she had composed herself enough to repeat the same thing her sister had said: "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died" (11:32b). But that was all she was able to say before she broke down again. Mary and Martha were as different in their grief as they were in any other areas of their lives.

That seems like it might be a valuable lesson for us to remember. We are INDIVIDUALS and will react to grief INDIVIDUALLY, whether at the holidays or any other time. There is no need to assume that everyone must handle the death of someone near and dear or missing them at Thanksgiving or Christmas in a certain prescribed way.

There are lots of myths connected with how Christian people should deal with grief. There are some who have said that we should not cry over someone's death because that indicates a lack of faith concerning the glories of the life to come. There are others who have said that we MUST cry or else we show that our love was not very strong. Speaking of "strong," how many times have we heard that "Strong men don't cry," and heard it directed especially at sad little boys. Forget all that! There IS NO ONE RIGHT WAY to do it. If Mary cried it was because that was Mary; if Martha did not cry, it was because that was Martha. You do it the way you FEEL like doing it. If you have been worried about breaking into tears during the holidays for no apparent reason, STOP WORRYING. If someone does not understand, too bad for them. Be yourself. Do what YOU need to do.

Back to the story: Jesus has come to Bethany. He has met and talked with Martha and Mary. He has seen the deep sense of loss that each expressed in her own way. He has seen the mourning of all the friends and neighbors. Now, He wants to see the tomb. They lead Him to it; He sees the rough-hewn cave where His friend has been laid with the large rock wheel that has been rolled in front of the entrance, and suddenly, as He stands there...a tear trickles down Jesus' cheek, and then another and another. Jesus of Nazareth...this strong and ruddy man...is weeping. He has felt the grief and pain of His friends and quite literally has been moved to tears.

John 11:35..."Jesus began to weep" Or as the King James Version has it in the verse we all learned as children as the shortest in the Bible, "Jesus wept." But in those two words, we have the picture of a Savior who genuinely cares what happens to us and what we go through. And by joining in with that grief in Bethany, He validated the whole process for all time. Because Jesus shed tears, He says in that act that it is all right for us to shed tears too. What a comfort that can be when we are tempted to try to bottle them up for no reason other than what some other people expect of us. Jesus reacted with all the love and care and emotion that were as much a part of His nature as they are ours. And it becomes a very special picture for us to bring to mind when we find that we have to deal with the loss of a loved one and can know that we are not experiencing these deep feelings all alone. As the writer to the Hebrews puts it, "For we do not have a High Priest who is unable to sympathize..." (4:15). "Jesus wept," and so can we.

Of course, the story does not end there. A miracle was coming. Lazarus was to be called forth from the tomb. It was a magnificent demonstration of God's power over even so strong an enemy as the grave. But it seems to me that the raising of Lazarus was simply an epilogue to what Jesus had said earlier in His conversation with Martha. It was a visible demonstration of a far greater eternal truth. "I am the resurrection and the life; those who believe in Me, even though they die, will live: and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die" (11:25,26). For me, it is far more important to have THAT knowledge as a part of my resource kit for coping with grief than anything else. One day, there will be a glad reunion and today's tears will be replaced with tomorrow's triumph.

One of my favorite quotations, one I have used over and over again at funerals, comes from that great evangelist of the last century, Dwight L. Moody. Moody said, "One day you will read in the newspaper that D. L. Moody of East Northfield, Massachusetts is dead. Well, don't believe a word of it. I will have gone up higher, that's all. Out of this old clay tenement into a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. And at that moment, I will be more alive than I have ever been."

Yes, the separation for a time is an occasion for grief; we have every right to FEEL the loss. Jesus affirmed that as He stood crying at Lazarus' tomb. But as Paul wrote to the Thessalonians, "Go ahead and grieve...but don't do it as those who have no hope" (I Thess. 4:13).

Grief...how will you deal with it? Some time ago a heart-rending story was reported by the press in Chicago, telling of a young father who had shot himself to death in a tavern telephone booth during the holidays. James Lee had called a newspaper and told a reporter he had sent the paper a manila envelope containing the story of his suicide. The reporter frantically traced the call but it was too late; by the time the police arrived, the man was slumped in the booth with a bullet through his head. In one of his pockets, they found a child's crayon drawing, much faded and worn. On it was written, "Please leave this in my coat pocket. I want to have it buried with me. The drawing was signed in childish print by his little blonde daughter who had perished in a fire just five months before. Lee had been so grief-stricken that he asked total strangers to attend his daughter's funeral so she would have a nice service. He said there was no family to attend because the little girl's mother had been dead since the child was only two. The grieving father could not stand the loneliness or the loss, so he took his own life. He never knew that there was someone who understood loss, standing in front of a rock-hewn tomb back in Bethany so many years before.

I must tell Jesus all of my trials;
I cannot bear these burdens alone;
In my distress He kindly will help me;
He ever loves and cares for His own.

The Grief Grinch...something we have all had to face and will all continue to face as long as God gives us breath. At holiday times and days of special family celebration, it becomes all the more acute. But we can deal with it because our friends will help us, our own individuality will help us and, for those who believe, our Lord will help us. Hallelujah!

Let us pray.

Father, we are grateful for the knowledge that this life is not all there is. And we are grateful for the lives of those of our loved ones who know that already in ways we can only dream. We know that the coming holidays will be difficult for many because of the pain of separation, but we know that Thy promise is sure -MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. Remind us of that by the presence and power of Thy Spirit. We make our prayer in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen!

ChristianGlobe Networks, Inc., Collected Sermons, by David E. Leininger