General Robert E. Lee was asked what he thought of a fellow officer in the Confederate army who had made some derogatory remarks about him. Lee rated him as being very satisfactory. The person who asked the question seemed perplexed. "General," he said, "I guess you don't know what he's been saying about you." "I know," answered Lee. "But I was asked my opinion of him, not his opinion of me!"
2302. Who's the Boss?
Illustration
Editor James S. Hewett
... carefully, and the husband said, "I think the black horse is the better of the two." The wife then said, "I think that bay horse is in every way the better horse. I would choose him." The old man took a careful look at the bay horse and said, "I guess I'll take the bay horse." The boy smiled and said, "No, you won't; you'll take a chicken."
2303. Stern Interviewing
Humor Illustration
Editor James S. Hewett
... ?" The young minister was somewhat at a loss for words and came back again, "Well, I just stopped by to talk with the board ..." The board member interrupted again and said, "Young man, did God send you here?" Finally he screwed up his courage and said, "Well, I guess God didn't send me here. I just stopped by to see about whether we could get together." The old board member leaned back in his seat and said, "That's good. The last four said that God had sent them, and we have had nothing but trouble with ...
2304. Powerful Evidence Unrefuted
Illustration
Editor James S. Hewett
When Robert Ingersoll, the notorious skeptic, was in his heyday, two college students went to hear him lecture. As they walked down the street after the lecture, one said to the other, "Well, I guess he knocked the props out from under Christianity, didn't he?" The other said, "No, I don't think he did. Ingersoll did not explain my mother's life, and until he can explain my mother's life I will stand by my mother's God."
2305. Tithing and Trusting
Illustration
Editor James S. Hewett
... bills." The pastor replied, "John, if I promise to make up the difference in your bills if you should fall short, do you think you could try tithing for just one month?" After a moment's pause, John responded, "Sure, if you promise to make up any shortage, I guess I could try tithing for one month." "Now, what do you think of that," mused the pastor. "You say you'd be willing to put your trust in a mere man like myself, who possesses so little materially, but you couldn't trust your Heavenly Father who owns ...
... a half an hour shorter!” Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for several minutes. Finally, the pastor said, “There is no way I can top that so let’s have a little prayer before you return to your seats.” (1) Well, I guess our service would be considerably shorter without any music, but for many of us it wouldn’t be worship. Music has always been central to the life of the church. It always interests me that so many secular popular singers testify that the first songs they ...
... what he could have done differently to ensure Melissa got home safely. Dave calls this the land of “What If.” He says, “In reality, though, the land of ‘What If’ is not a good place to be for any of us. It is a place of regret, second-guessing, and hopelessness. While the grief is real and the sadness endures, life is better and God is honored if we dwell in the world of ‘What Is.’” Choosing to live in the land of “What Is” means remembering God’s promises that He will never leave us ...
... Joseph, though barely mentioned in the Gospel narrative, was probably an influential role model for Jesus. Why else would Jesus have chosen the imagery of “Father” to portray God? Why would he also have taught us to address God as “Abba”--“Daddy”? My guess is that Jesus had a wonderful relationship with both his earthly father and his Heavenly Father--the same kind of wonderful relationship he had with his mother. Now someone is going to say, “Well, Joseph was not his real father.” As far as ...
... unknown number of women and children. That’s a tall order--in their minds it was an impossible order. It would require the world’s largest commercial kitchen to prepare a meal for such a mob. But gang, this is Jesus we’re talking about. My guess is that he wanted to teach his disciples a lesson in faith. Consider this: they’d just returned from a journey where they had cast out demons, healed diseases and proclaimed the Kingdom of God. They were feeling pretty good about themselves. Was Jesus saying ...
... who needs your help is your neighbor.” But that’s a lot of people! Jeremy Taylor, a seventeenth-century bishop, used to counsel aspiring ministers to “Speak kindly to everyone you meet for everyone has a problem.” Everyone does have a problem of some kind. I guess that makes everyone our neighbor. I doubt that there is anyone here this morning who does not feel a twinge of guilt when reading this story. We recall the hitch-hiker we left standing by the side of the road. We know the danger of picking ...
... to that store and I’ll show you what slick is where I come from.” So they returned to the convenience store. Ricardo went up to the young man behind the counter and said, “You want you see a fantastic magic trick?” The young man said, “Well, I guess so.” Ricardo said, “Give me a candy bar.” The convenience store clerk gave him a candy bar, and Ricardo ate it. He asked for a second candy bar, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third candy bar, and finished that one too. “That’s ...
... have found a way to modernize their celebration of the Sabbath so it’s not as inconvenient as it once was. With the help of modern technology, many Orthodox Jews can now keep the Sabbath while also keeping up with the times. How? Well, as you might guess, “There’s now an app for that.” Let me introduce you to a computer program called “Time-It Right.” Time-It Right is a device that can be set to operate all the electrical systems in your house. Orthodox Jews are prohibited from turning a light ...
... . And he used that gift to obtain the recognition he so desired. Unfortunately, it was not the kind of recognition anyone would want. The recognition of committing the world’s largest case of fraud destroyed him and destroyed many of those around him. (2) My guess is that deep down most people long to be somebody. Jesus understood that. Jesus was a master psychologist. He knew that all of us crave recognition. He knew that the desire for status is an innate part of the human condition. Most of us don ...
... . The operation lasted for nearly three hours. After cleaning up, the doctor went outside to walk with his pastor. As they walked Evans asked, “How much would you have received for that operation back in the States?” “Oh, $500 to $750 is the going rate, I guess.” This was years ago. It would be much, much more now. As they talked, Evans noticed that the surgeon’s lips were purple with the strain and his hands were trembling from three hours of tedious work. Then he asked, “How much for this one ...
2315. Matching Shoes
Illustration
King Duncan
John and Nancy, married for 40 years, planned a second wedding to renew their vows. Nancy described to her friend the dress she would wear. Nancy’s friend asked, “What color shoes?” Nancy replied, “Silver.” John chimed in: “Yep, silver ... to match her hair.” With a pointed look at John’s bald spot, Nancy’s friend said: “So, John, I guess you’ll go barefoot.”
2316. Impossible!
Illustration
Gordon Moyes
... is next to...‘ No one replied. I asked ‘Have you ever heard that before?’ They looked blank. I said, “What do you think is the missing word? “Cleanliness is next to...., and a little boy said, ‘Impossible!’“ For little boys, I guess, cleanliness is next to impossible! There are many things that we claim are impossible. There may be something in your life ‑ health, education, family relationships, employment prospects, future service to others ‑ and you have dismissed it as impossible.
... and droops, and then the next, and the next. It looks like the plant is literally shriveling up and dying right in front of you. Mimosa is a Greek word meaning to mimic. Pudica is Latin for “shy,” “bashful,” or “shrinking.” So, I guess you could say that the mimosa pudica is mimicking shyness. The mimosa pudica is known by many names. In the U.S. and England it is also known as “Sensitive Plant,” “Humble Plant,” “Shame Plant,” “Prayer Plant,” “Tickle-Me-Plant,” and “Touch ...
... kept a watch on the time, trying to calculate when I could convince them we’d been out long enough. And then, just when it looked like we were going to get through the night without incident, they decided that I should join them in their crime. I guess they figured I couldn’t tell on them if I participated. Not that I had any intention of telling anyone what had happened: my parents would hold me responsible whether or not I threw a single ball, and apparently, so would Danny’s. Well, they kept the ...
2319. Puddle Purification
Illustration
Rev. Diane Livingston
... as high and as hard as he could. As the first one landed in the puddle he shouted, “I baptize you in the name of the Father.” The second one right on his heels jumped and shouted, “And I baptize you in the name of the Son.” And, yes, you guessed it: the first one was back for another jump and shouted, “And I baptize you in the name of Holy Spirit.” The sheer pleasure of enjoying water on a hot afternoon was coupled with what obviously had made an impression on them while being part of baptisms.
... up and down and screeching and acting, well . . . like a monkey. Superimposed over the clip were the words, “Rally Monkey.” The fans went wild for the rally monkey. They cheered and shouted and acted like monkeys themselves and got their energy back up. And guess what? The Los Angeles Angels came from behind to win the game. And ever since then, the Angels have been famous for their Rally Monkey, their unofficial mascot, who gets the fans excited and cheering for the team. (1) In our Bible passage today ...
... you do know who Jesus is looking for, don’t you? That’s our second point. You never know who is looking for Jesus, but you do know who Jesus is looking for. If you’ve read even a little bit of the New Testament, you don’t have to guess who Jesus is looking for. He’s looking for you. And me. And him. And her. And them. And Zacchaeus. He’s searching for every sinner you can possibly imagine. Look at what Jesus says to Zacchaeus in verses 5 and 10 in this passage. In verse five, Jesus looks ...
... one of his routines: “Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time—I think I’ve forgotten this before.” Canadian stand-up comedian Stewart Francis in a routine asked, “Did I already do my déjà vu joke?” Well, I guess it just seemed to him that he had told that joke before. (1) What is déjà vu, and why is it such a common experience? Alan Brown, a psychology professor from Southern Methodist University, wrote an article in Scientific American magazine detailing a few of his ...
... I bought two years ago is, my children tell me, hopelessly obsolete. And my cell phone, the one they told me is the last one I’d ever have to buy, is absolutely worthless. As a salesman told me, recently, “Yeah, it’s a smart phone, I guess. But it won’t qualify for the gifted program, you know?” Every time we eradicate one drug from our neighborhoods another, new, designer drug takes its place. The vicissitudes of modern life crash in upon and wash over us unbidden and uninvited. Some we enjoy ...
2324. Don't Hold Your Breath
Illustration
King Duncan
In a delightful “Peanuts” cartoon strip, Lucy says, “Guess what . . . If you don’t tell me that you love me, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to hold my breath until I pass out!” Looking up from his piano, Shroeder informs her, “Breath-holding in children is an interesting phenomenon . . . It could indicate a ...
2325. The Price of Success
Illustration
William H. Hinson
... playing with all these toys.” The boy answered, “No, my daddy doesn’t have time to play with me. He’s at the office--he’s got offices all over the world. He can’t play with me.” The little rich boy reflected for a moment and then said, “I guess that’s the price of success.” When Ditto returned home, he threw himself into his father’s arms and said, “Oh Daddy, I’m so glad you’re not a success. I just couldn’t afford for you to be a success!”