... say "jerk" in Japanese. "There's no such word," the woman answered helplessly. "We have to use [the English word] jerk.''" It's not as if there are no jerks in Japan. But the Japanese language is just not made for sniping at people. Guess what Japanese drivers say to each other after a car accident. They say: "I'm so sorry." The Japanese language is simply not designed for hurling invective at one another. Take the vicious Japanese insult "kisama," which is deeply offensive. It means: "Your honorable self ...
2027. Forgetful Funeral
Illustration
Bruce McIver
... still waters. Then he leaned into the pulpit, and with all manner of gravity, began describing John in his prison cell again. As he got to, ". . . into yon distant horizon . . . and saying . . ." he froze. With an apologetic smile, the pastor remarked, "Folks, I guess you've figured out by now that I . . . can't remember what John said!" Slowly, the family members of the deceased began to laugh. Soon, the whole church began to laugh. And finally, the pastor himself began to laugh. And nobody ever found out ...
2028. Scientific Jargon
Humor Illustration
... . IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT . . . A couple of other guys think so too. CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE . . . Wrong. ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS . . . Rumor has it. A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROTECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS . . . A wild guess. A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA . . . Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda. IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS . . . I ...
2029. Should I Know You?
Humor Illustration
... raining so they decided to go see a movie. When they entered the theatre, the house lights were on and they were surprised that the small handful of people gave them a warm little round of applause as they took a seat. Secretly pleased, Shula whispered to his wife, "I guess there isn't any place I'm not known." A man came over with a friendly smile and shook hands with Shula and his wife. "I'm surprised that you know me here," said Shula. "Should I know you?" asked the man puzzled "We're just glad to see ...
2030. Eat Your Beans
Humor Illustration
... , God will punish you." Still Johnny refused, and his mother sent him to bed. Before long, a great storm arose. Lightning flashed, great claps of thunder shook the house, and torrents of rain fell. Johnny's mother rushed upstairs to comfort her son. "Johnny, are you okay?" she asked. "I guess so," he replied, "but this sure is an awful fuss to make about a few green beans."
2031. Good and Bad News
Humor Illustration
I guess one reason politicians are a favorite target of humor is that they tend to complicate our lives so much: Moses and his people had gone as far as they could go. They had reached the edge of the Red Sea, and now they were stuck. Moses turned to God for ...
2032. Third Biggest Lie
Humor Illustration
... -biggest lie right after "The check is in the mail," and "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you." Here is a sampling from the thousands she received: Five pounds is nothing on a person of your height. You made it yourself? I never would have guessed. You don't look a day over 40. Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an apartment of my own so I can have some peace and quiet when I study. The new ownership won't affect you. The company will remain the same. The puppy won ...
2033. A Mule Egg
Humor Illustration
... men from Chicago giving everything they had to catch him. Finally they could go no farther. Both men fell wearily onto the ground gasping for air while the jack rabbit hopped off into the distance. Raising up on his elbow, one of the men said to the other, ''Well I guess we lost our mule." The other man nodded grimly. ''Yes, but you know," he said, ''I'm not sure I wanted to plow that fast anyway." Isn't that the real question whether we really want to plow that fast anyway?
2034. Dumb Jocks
Humor Illustration
... that huge fellow on your right is a world-class wrestler. That guy in the corner is a champion weight-lifter. And I lettered in three sports at Notre Dame. "Now," he continued, "are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your dumb-jock joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times." Bill Kreifeldt in The Saturday Evening Post
... her no; he said it was because he’d been barking in the street and a car hit him. At this, he said, the guy behind this lady was about to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard. (4) Well, so much for dumb questions . . . I don’t guess any diet is perfect, even the Purina Diet. Losing weight is hard. But at least it is easy to see what happens to you if you eat excessively. We may be free, as St. Paul says, to do anything, but not everything is beneficial. With regard to food, it usually ...
... the trunk. He decided to fashion a necktie from those jumper cables. He returned to the door of the club. The doorman saw those jumper cables around the man’s neck and realized that technically they could serve as a tie. So he said, “Well, I guess you can come in.” Then he added, “Just don’t start anything.” Bad joke, but here is where we want to begin today’s message the people in history who have most impacted our lives were people who were determined to start something. Nearly two thousand ...
... Futurist magazine. The Futurist is a magazine for people who seek to anticipate the changes that are taking place in our society. The subject of this particular report was “virtual immortality.” What is virtual immortality? Some of you have already guessed it has something to do with computers. You’re right. Imagine that everything that there is to know about you your appearance, your mannerisms, your voice, and even your knowledge and experience were all digitized and dumped into a very sophisticated ...
... reservation at a football game, but it’s never helped me make a good picture or command the obedience of my daughter. It doesn’t even seem to keep fleas off our dog, and if being a celebrity doesn’t give one an advantage over fleas, then I guess there can’t be much in it after all.” Disney was a sensible man who was able to put life into perspective, but I suppose celebrities serve their purpose. They make life more interesting for those who identify with them. A few years ago there was a 310 ...
... layer of dried up, dusty detritus. “Cleansing” is not something that is a once-and-for-all-time practice. Tell your kids to clean their rooms one Saturday and by the next weekend they are a huge mess again. Do the dishes Tuesday and, guess what . . . there is a sink-full again on Wednesday. Dermatologists know that a gentle daily cleansing is the best way to nurture healthy, renewed, refreshed skin. Matthew, Mark, and Luke all record Jesus “cleansing” the Temple at the end of his public ministry. It ...
2040. My favorite animal
Humor Illustration
... . He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now.
... source of water. She relied on his delivery for all of her washing, bathing, and drinking needs. However, she could have had municipal water. In fact, it would have been significantly cheaper. Why didn’t she choose the less expensive source? You have probably guessed the answer. The city sent only the water; they didn’t send a person. His visits were the reason she was willing to pay more for her water. (9) Are there people in our community who are that lonely? Of course there are. There are children ...
... decided to drive both cars. Their 8-year old son Nathan worried. “How will we keep from getting separated?” Dad reassured him, “We’ll drive slowly. One car can follow the other.” “But what if we DO get separated?” Nathan persisted. “Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” Dad joked. Nathan quickly answered. “Then I’m riding with Mom.” (2) Smart young fellow. Actually, the situation can be summed up in the words of one mom when she said, “I’d like to be the ideal ...
2043. It's Not Easy Being a Court Reporter
Humor Illustration
... WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning ...
... at random and this settled the case. It’s certainly not a sinful way to go about making a decision. It’s not much different from flipping a coin. However, it seems a strange way for the disciples of Christ to choose a successor to carry on his work. I guess they couldn’t find any other way to choose. Both men were equally qualified and this was a quick, easy way to make a decision. So we should not be too critical. It just seems strange that they would seek the will of God this way. But, then, how do ...
... be ambassadors of Christ making the Kingdom of God ever more of a reality in a world which badly needs saving. This is to say that one way we can serve God is by helping our young ones know who they are and what God can do through them. I guess this is turning into a Father’s Day message after all. But of course it’s not just for fathers. It is for everyone in this room. You don’t have to be a parent or a grandparent or an aunt or an uncle to influence a child’s life ...
... s tee please back up to the men’s tee?” This announcement seemed incredibly rude to Bob, particularly since it was directed at him. He turned toward the clubhouse and shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?” My guess is that this was not going to be a great day for Bob, if his first shot got him no farther than where the women tee off. We all have days like that, don’t we? Of course, some of those days are nothing to laugh about. David Heller ...
... had thirteen children, and nine of them were adopted by other families. Is there someone besides your parents you can talk to about this? Someone you’re close to?” “My buddy Steve is adopted, and he’s okay with it,” Gary said slowly. “So I guess I will be, too, once I have some time to get over it.” “What’s Steve’s last name.” she asked. “Barbin,” he said. “Gary,” said the lady from the State agency, “Steve is your brother.” (1) What a wonderful story. Our lesson from the ...
... cars had nosed into this particular parking spot. Fortunately they stopped just before colliding. Now the owners of both cars were violently swinging at one another. What amused the man observing these fisticuffs was a sign over the intended parking spot. It said . . . you guessed it . . . “No parking.” (1) I wonder if the guy who won the fight got a ticket for illegal parking. People get upset sometimes over the most trivial things and sometimes they act out their anger in strange ways. One of the most ...
... world, for the powers of the heavens will be shaken. Then they will see "the Son of Man coming in a cloud" with power and glory. Now when these things begin to take place, stand up and raise your heads, because your redemption draws near! — Luke 21:25-28 Guess what? We are now the current cast of this long-running drama, the cast that announces to those who have ears to hear, "Here's Jesus! King of kings and Lord of lords! The star of the greatest show on earth!" Amen.
... green or in a variety of pastel colors. * Clue: They are used during two different seasons. * Song clue: "O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how pretty are your branches." * Song clue: "Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail." Can you guess what they are? Answer: Easter grass and Christmas tinsel. When tinsel shows up in the holiday section of retail stores, you know Christmas is coming. When colored grass appears on the shelves, you know Easter is coming. Tinsel and grass — signs with ...