... to be tied. He stressed to Myrtle that water was not an emergency. He still had work to do. He rode out to check a section of fence he was putting up. Again he heard the bell. Again he raced home. "The fire was getting low," said Myrtle and she thought he might want to tend to it." "That ain't no emergency!" said Jed. "Don't ring that bell until something really urgent comes along." Two hours later Jed heard the bell ring again. He charged home to find the cabin in flames. The barn had burned to the ground ...
4227. Winning Back Your Junk
Humor Illustration
... church. They brought in a professional auctioneer for the occasion. He sold all this stuff and the event raised some money for missionaries and the club budget. Well, one couple, Joe, and Mildred, had some old lawn furniture that had been lying about on the veranda. Mildred thought the auction sale a marvelous opportunity to get rid of it. So she sent it all off to be sold. But when the time came for the auction, Mildred was ill and couldn't go. Joe went instead. You guessed it! Joe saw this lawn furniture ...
4228. The Positive Thinker
Humor Illustration
... in grace, but backsliding was possible. The third was a Positive Thinker, who followed the doctrine of ministers like Robert Schuller. A storm arose and the three men drowned. They were completely astonished to end up in the fires of hell. The Baptist cried out, "I thought I had it, but I didn't. I thought I had it but I didn't." The Methodist wailed, "I had it, but I lost it. I had it, but I lost it." The Positive Thinker was curled in a corner with his hands over his eyes, chanting, "It's not hot, and I'm ...
4229. A Good Deed on Judgment Day
Humor Illustration
... I should tell you we've looked at your life, and you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy ...
4230. Do Dead Men Talk?
Humor Illustration
There was a man who had everything going for him. He was rich, he was smart-high I.Q.- he was well educated. There was only one thing wrong with him. He thought he was dead. So his family and friends prevailed upon him to visit a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist recognized that this man was intelligent, educated, successful in business. He thought, "Well, I'll reason him out of his illusion!" So he asked him, "Listen, tell me, do dead men eat?" The patient said, "Well, as a matter of fact, maybe they do. In ...
4231. Constant State of Crabby
Humor Illustration
... I go and fix you a nice snack? Sometimes we all need a little pampering to help us feel better." Linus returns with a sandwich, chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. He says, "Now, is there anything else I can get you? Is there anything I haven't thought of?" Lucy took the tray of food and replied, "Yes, there's one thing you haven't ...
4232. Ready For Reality?
Humor Illustration
... you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I ...
4233. A Teddy Bear Burial
Humor Illustration
... across the street from a cemetery. Often she listened to ministers speak the words of committal at the close of funeral services. She decided to have a complete funeral service of her own in her backyard. She thought she would bury her teddy bear. After digging a grave, she solemnly lowered the toy bear into the ground, saying ever so seriously the words she thought she had heard the preachers say again and again in the burial service: "In the name of the Father and of the Son and in the hole you goes!"
... him. When he raced, he did what he was trained to do lose. Because of the poor treatment Seabiscuit received, he became an angry, almost uncontrollable horse. Finally he was given a chance by a trainer many considered to be too old and a jockey many thought to be too big. But Seabiscuit thrived in the care of people who believed in him and became one of the greatest horses of all time. The trainer sees in the horse something others have missed. He says, when Seabiscuit’s eventual owner is deciding whether ...
... native language of the home, the natural knowledge of the home. The love that flows naturally from the hearth is a heart knowledge not a mind or head knowledge. If we have learned anything from the great mystics of our past, it is that we can never know God by thought, only by love. Irenaeus (2nd century AD) says that we can never know God as an object, but only by sharing in God’s own self-knowledge. C. S. Lewis wrote once that the only place where we can be safe from the dangers of love is hell. As any ...
4236. Someday God Will Come
Mark 13:24-37
Illustration
King Duncan
... get up. I think that God is coming." Isak Dinesen says that when she heard this, she did get up, and asked why he thought so. He gravely led her into the dining room which looked west, toward the hills. Through her windows she saw a strange phenomenon. There ... clearly took his mission to have been fulfilled when he had called her to warn her. "Well yes," he said, "it may be so. But I thought that you had better get up in case it was God coming." Well, someday God will come. We don't know when. But of even ...
4237. Christmas as a Prisoner of War
John 1:1-18
Illustration
Thomas A. Pilgrim
... of his own children back home. He ate the candy and looked at the red and silver foil. He began to form that foil into three shapes — a swan, a rosette, and a star. He thought of the star of Bethlehem. He placed those three shapes above his bed. He laid there looking at them. Then, he began thinking about the birth of Christ. He knew it was only faith that was getting him through this experience. He wrote later that in that place there was ...
... He was even willing to be totally immersed in order to make this move. Luckily, he knew a minister in that faith, having dated the minister’s daughter. He asked him if he would consider performing the service. The Baptist pastor paused a minute or two, gave him a long thoughtful look and said, “If you’re serious about this, a mere dipping just won’t do for you. We’ll have to find a place to anchor you overnight.” I suspect that a lot of us would need to be anchored for a while to get rid of all ...
... Ms. Thomas, they really, really tried to hold their marriage together, it did not work out. What interests me is that she admits that she and her husband knew the statistics and knew the risks of how to prepare for marriage. For example, they thought their marriage would be stronger if they lived together before they married. In her own words, “We were together for nearly eight years before we got married, and even though statistics show that divorce rates are 48 percent higher for cohabitants, we paid no ...
4240. A Modern Day Bethlehem
Lk 2:1-20
Illustration
King Duncan
... a weary smile and handed them their menus. Harriet looked around. She felt a little bit like a snob and out of place. Her family had just come from a beautiful Christmas Eve service. And soon they would be heading to their lovely home for the night. She thought one day they would look back with a laugh and say to each other: "Remember the Christmas we ate breakfast at that truck stop? That awful music and those tacky lights?" She was staring out the window when an old Volkswagen van drove up. A young man ...
... stay, not to leave. People were saying, “So you think you’re too good to work in the mill, huh? Think you’re better than we are, do you? Just don’t want to have anything to do with hard working folks like us, is that it? I never thought you, Wayne, of all people would ever desert your family.” (7) But it wasn’t that Wayne Oates felt better than his peers, nor that he wanted to desert his family and friends. It was simply that Wayne Oates was sustained by a promise, the promise of his grandmother ...
... it’s the morning of the third day and it’s Mary Magdalene, of course, making her way to Christ’s tomb. She discovers that the stone has been removed from the entrance and the body of her Master is missing. We can only imagine the thoughts that ran through her mind. She ran to two of Jesus’ closest disciples and reported to them that someone had taken the Lord’s body. Notice that she doesn’t even mention the possibility of resurrection. It’s important to understand that Jesus’ closest friends ...
4243. Aspiring young writers
Humor Illustration
... high school essays collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those ...
... to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit fruit that will last and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.” There are several thoughts we can draw from this lesson. Note, first of all, that love is a command. Jesus isn’t giving us a suggestion that we love one another. This is a command. To be a follower of Jesus Christ is to love love our families, love our friends, even love our ...
... Romans have to do with these creatures of the sea? Just this: St. Paul is writing to believers to tell them that they do not have to give in to the fear-induced limitations of their old lives any longer. They no longer need to be enslaved by petty thoughts and meaningless dreams. Christ has come so that they can be free. The Holy Spirit has come to take off the chains from their hearts and their minds that they may soar as they have never soared before. This is the Father’s will for us, Paul declares to ...
4246. A Harsh Statement
Mark 3:29
Illustration
Leonard H. Budd
... continually talked about was his belief that he had committed that eternal sin, that unpardonable sin. He never shared what it was or what he believed it was. "I just can't speak it," he said. It was a thought that he had held since his youth, and for thinking that terrible thought he believed Jesus was condemning him eternally. The whole gospel message was - for him - focused on that single verse, that single eternal condemnation by Jesus. I worry about how such a phrase is taught to young people, to young ...
4247. A Seed for the Whole World
Mark 4:1-20, 26-34
Illustration
Staff
... its origins was described in the 1903 W. A. Burpee Farm Annual as follows: There was "an old gentleman,"[1] a farmer in Greenfield, Massachusetts named William Chambers, ". . . who had a fancy for furnishing his friends with some choice early corn long before they had thought of having any ripe enough for the table,— but he would never let any of them have any to plant."[1] After Mr. Chambers passed away in about 1891, the variety was, ". . . kept pure and constantly selected by Mr. J. G. Pickett, also of ...
... impact that he had. Campbell wanted him to start talking and singing on his show. The young man was terrified. He called his wife and told her he wanted to back out. She assured him that they were all behind him. “Don’t be afraid,” she said. “Afraid,” he thought to himself. That’s what he was. When he hung up the phone, his mind went back to that scrap of paper. Its words by now were as clear in his memory as they must have been on that paper when Mr. Miller first wrote them. “God, grant me ...
... back door that they were a little leery of. His eyes were glassy and his furrowed face glistened with silver stubble. They thought he was an alcoholic and had no idea what else he might be. He clutched a wicker basket holding a few vegetables. He bid ... the girls a good morning and offered his produce for sale. They were uneasy about having what they thought was this old alcoholic at their doorstep and made a quick purchase to get rid of him. To their chagrin, he returned the next ...
... visualized hitting a beautiful shot that would carry hundreds of yards. As he was standing there lost in his thoughts, an announcement came over the public address system: “Would the gentleman standing at the women’s tee please back ... and you hear it right before you go to sleep? Give up? A sermon. Your friend, Frank (age 11). Then there is one that is more thoughtful than humorous. It goes like this: “Dear God, I have doubts about you sometimes. Sometimes I really believe. Like when I was four and I ...