A friend and I were having lunch. We enjoyed jumping from one topic to another, sharing, interrupting, countering. I did a double-take when my friend slipped in a surprise. “My marriage is in trouble.” The conversation changed at once. Another new topic had occurred to me, but I dropped it. The time had come for listening. Our conversation had changed from a freewheeling exchange to an intimate opening and sharing. I asked leading questions and made observations. I was trying hard to listen, actively using a mixture of silence and questions. I didn’t want to simply hear him; I wanted to understand what he meant. When we parted he said, sincerely, “Thanks for listening to me.”

I didn’t think too much about his remark until later while visiting with another friend. The conversation began wi…