Series: Jesus said . . . What? Outrageous Teachings, No. 2
Barbara Bennett of Vancouver, Washington, wanted to sell an old Brothers' sewing machine. So she took out an ad in her local paper's classified section.
But when the ad appeared, it read simply "Brother for sale" instead.
Worse yet, the ad appeared in the "Items under $50" section.
There were actually a couple of calls inquiring about the ad. One wanted to haggle over the price. The other caller hung up when he or she learned that there was not a real, live brother being offered on the market. For the record, Ms. Bennett has two brothers, neither of whom is currently up for sale. (1)
I thought of Barbara Bennett's ad when I read today's lesson. Jesus said, "Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple . . ." Say what? Hey, this is a church that cherishes its families. What in the world can Jesus mean by this--hate your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters?
Oh, sure, we get a little upset with them from time to time. Like the lady who was showing an insurance agent through her home. He pointed to an exquisite vase on the sideboard and asked, "Do you keep anything in it?"
"Yes, my husband's ashes," came the reply.
"I am sorry," apologized the agent, "I didn't know he was deceased."
"He isn't," she said. "He's just too lazy to look for an ashtray."
We all get frustrated with those we love. But hate them? No way.
This is Luke's version of the story. It's interesting to note that when Matthew reports Jesus' words, he softens them a bit. In Matthew Jesus says, "He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me, and he who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." (Emphasis added.) Well, that's better. We can see loving Jesus more, but who could literally hate his father and his mother?
Liesel Brooks remembers the day she turned her back on her family. She rejected her parents and ran from her past the day she discovered that her parents had been members of the Nazi Party during World War II. Over the next few years, Liesel became estranged from her parents. But her rejection of them did not bring her any peace. In fact, she felt a strange gulf in her life. She struggled with guilt and shame and a lack of identity.
Then, Liesel happened to meet a woman named Rachel. Rachel was a Jew who was also estranged from her family. Ironically, Rachel rejected her parents because they had survived the Holocaust. That may sound outrageous to us, but to Rachel, their survival was a betrayal of their Jewish identity. Together, Rachel and Liesel were able to forgive their parents and re-connect with their families. Both women found healing and peace in releasing the past and rebuilding family relationships. (2)
So, it is possible to hate your own family and feel virtuous about it. But rarely would it be God's will for you.
Jesus often spoke in hyperbole. He wanted to impact the lives of his listeners. In this particular case, he wanted them to understand the radical nature of the commitment he was asking them to make. That is clear from the rest of the lesson. "Whoever does not carry the cross and follow me cannot be my disciple," Jesus continues. "For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not first sit down and estimate the cost, to see whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it will begin to ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' Or what king, going out to wage war against another king, will not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to oppose the one who comes against him with twenty thousand? . . . So therefore, none of you can become my disciple if you do not give up all your possessions." Say, what? There he goes again. Give up all my possessions? My SUV? My widescreen TV with the plasma screen? Surely he would allow me to keep my membership at the Health Club?
Relax. Jesus doesn't want you to sell all your possessions or to get rid of your family. Some of you may be in a mood to get rid of your family, but that impulse did not come from God.
In the early eighties, a Michigan State University study reported that one third of four- and five-year-olds would give up their relationship with their dad for television. That's terrible. But when you consider that the average employed American watches forty hours of television a week, you have to wonder if some mothers and fathers don't love the idiot box more than they love their children.
After one couple returned home from a Family Life Marriage Conference, the husband immediately walked into the family room and unplugged the TV. With the cord dangling and wide-eyed kids in tow, he hugged the set and carried it to the garage.
In the empty place where the television had once stood, he hung a picture of the family. Their five-year-old son sat down on the floor, staring at the portrait. Then he looked up at his dad and asked, "Does this mean we're going to become a family?" (3)
The last thing Jesus wants us to do is get rid of our families. But Jesus does want us to ask this question: where does my ultimate loyalty lie? And there are times when there can be a decided conflict between love for family, or love for possessions, and love for God.
There are still families in the world today where, if a son or a daughter were to become a Christian, the parents would disown this son or daughter and have no further contact with them. It would be as if they had died. You and I have it so easy. Our parents, most of them, were delighted, some overjoyed, when we committed our lives to Christ, but that is not universally true. Some people have had to say goodbye to family and friends forever when they decided to follow Jesus. You and I might ask if our commitment to Christ is that strong? Some of us, maybe most of us, will admit that it is not. We love the church, we support the budget, but do not ask us to decide between loyalty to those we love and our love for God. Fortunately that is not a choice that most of us will ever have to make, but the very harshness of Jesus' words makes us pause and reflect on the question.
Fortunately, the question about possessions is much easier to deal with. Most of us recognize that our possessions are not even ours anyway. They are only on loan to us. Everything ultimately belongs to God. And thus we return ten percent of our income back to God. It's not a big issue. Of course, it is for some people. Not everyone tithes. But hopefully we are moving in that direction. It's a question of priorities. It's a question of loyalty.
This is such an outrageous teaching--that we are to hate our families. I wonder--in light of our present world--what would Jesus say to us on this subject if he were here in the flesh today? He might say that it is not love for him that is causing us to hate our families today, but love for the world.
There was a story recently in Time magazine titled, "Does Kindergarten Need Cops?" It told of a study done by Partnership for Children, a child-advocacy group in Fort Worth, Texas. According to this study, angry outbursts and violence are on the rise today in kindergarten classrooms. That's right, I said kindergarten. It appears to be a trend throughout the country. Ninety-three percent of the teachers who responded to the study said that they had seen an increase in emotional and behavioral problems in young children over the last five years.
What accounts for this trend? Violence in television and video games, perhaps. But many teachers and psychologists believe that a simple lack of family time may be the biggest contributor to the problem. Moms and dads are working longer hours; they don't have as much time to spend with their children. It is in the simple rhythms of family life that children learn socialization skills. They learn the difference between right and wrong, they learn effective ways of coping with emotions and impulses, they learn self-control. As one veteran teacher says, "Kids aren't getting enough lap time." (4)
Now I certainly don't want to heap guilt on working Moms and Dads. You have enough stress in your lives. But in today's materialistic world we all have to guard against the belief that if we provide our children with nice things we are meeting their primary needs. Nice things will never compensate for loving attention. That's the first thing Jesus might say to us. It is not loyalty to him that is the problem for most of us, it is loyalty to the world.
The second thing he would probably say to us is that loyalty to him usually produces more loyalty to those we love, not less.
Pastor Jim Cymbala of the Brooklyn Tabernacle tells a story of one of his parishioners, a woman named Estelle. Estelle and Nick met at church, where they both served faithfully. Theirs seemed to be a match made in heaven. They married and started a family. And then one day, everything fell apart.
Nick had a drink at an office party, and immediately became hooked on the high he got from alcohol. It may be that Nick had the gene that causes some people to become dependent on alcohol. Whatever the reason, within a matter of days, Nick fell into the grip of alcoholism. He also became argumentative and violent toward Estelle. She had every right to leave him. Friends and family urged her to get a divorce. But Estelle held firm to her belief that God could change her husband. She prayed fervently for him. When he lost his job due to his drinking, Estelle went out and got a job to support the family. She urged her children to believe in God, to pray for their father, and to not be bitter.
Years passed, and nothing changed in Nick's life. Finally, when Nick was in his seventies, he gave up drinking for good. He remained completely sober for the last fifteen years of his life. After decades of heartfelt prayer, Estelle's precious husband was restored to her. She never turned bitter and never lost her faith. Pastor Cymbala is justly proud of this story of faith and restoration, because Estelle and Nick are his parents. (5)
Not every spouse should stay with a chemically addicted partner. Don't misunderstand. But it worked in this case. Because of Estelle's commitment to God, she made that choice. And she witnessed two miracles: one in her husband's life and one in her son's. Jesus might say to us today, loyalty to him usually produces more loyalty to those we love, not less.
But there's one last thing that must be said, in fairness to our text: If you ever have to make a choice, your first loyalty is to God.
Everything in this world belongs to God. Our possessions. Our bodies. Our hopes and dreams. Even those we love. Everything belongs to God. Here is where the rubber meets the road for most of us. It's easy for us to be people of God. Too easy. We are like Job before he was afflicted. Remember the story. God says about Job: "Behold a righteous man." And Satan says, "Of course, he is righteous. Look at all you've done for him." And in this thought-provoking drama, God allows Satan to take away from Job everything that Job prizes--his wealth, his health and even those he loves. There he sits, the saddest man on earth, covered with boils, penniless, his children all dead. Never has a man suffered more than Job. But how does Job respond to this devastation? Remember? His wife tells him to curse God and die. But here is how Job responds. When word comes to Job that his children have died in a great wind that devastasted their house, we read these words: "Then Job arose, tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on the ground and worshiped. He said, "˜Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there; the Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'" Later, when everything he has prized is gone, including his health, Job says, "O that my words were written down! O that they were inscribed in a book! O that with an iron pen and with lead they were engraved on a rock forever! For I know that my Redeemer lives, and that at the last he will stand upon the earth; and after my skin has been thus destroyed, then in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see on my side, and my eyes shall behold, and not another."
Did Job hate his family? No. Did he hate his vast possessions? No. Did he hate his own body? No. But he loved God more.
How about you? It's a choice that hopefully you and I will never have to make. Usually it is the world that comes between us and those who are dear to us, not Christ. Usually love for Christ causes us to be more loyal to our families, not less. However, if there is ever a time when we must make a choice, let us be able to say, with Job, "Blessed be the name of the Lord."
1. CNN.com, "Oh brother! Paper bungles woman's ad," Feb. 11, 2004, International Edition.
2. Lewis B. Smedes, A Life of Distinction (Colorado Springs, CO: Shaw Books, 2002), pp. 126-127.
3. Denis Rainey, The Tribute (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson Publishes, 1994), pp. 274-275.
4. Claudia Wallis, Time, December 15, 2003 p. 53.
5. Jim Cymbala, Breakthrough Prayer (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2003), pp.190-193.