When Jesus arrived, he found that Lazarus had been buried four days before. Bethany was less than two miles from Jerusalem, and many Judeans had come to see Martha and Mary to comfort them about their brother's death.

When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed in the house. Martha said to Jesus, "If you had been here, Lord, my brother would not have died! But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask him for."

"Your brother will rise to life," Jesus told her.

"I know, "she replied, "that he will rise to life on the last day."

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

"Yes, Lord!" she answered, "I do believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who was to come into the world."

After Martha said this, she went back and called her sister Mary privately. "The teacher is here," she told her, "and is asking for you." When Mary heard this, she got up and hurried out to meet him. [Jesus had not yet arrived in the village, hut was still in the place where Martha had met him.] The people who were in the house with Mary comforting her followed her when they saw her get up and hurry out. They thought that she was going to the grave to weep there.

Mary arrived where Jesus was, and as soon as she saw him she fell at his feet. "Lord," she said, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died!"

Jesus saw her weeping, and he saw how the people with her were weeping also; his heart was touched, and he was deeply moved. "Where have you buried him?" he asked them.

"Come and see, Lord," they answered.

Jesus wept. "See how much he loved him!" the people said.

One of the responsiblities of the Church is to help her people be prepared for the major events and turning points in their spiritual lives. There are many ways that this is done. Pastors counsel with parents before the baptism of their child, so they will understand the vows they will be making and be prepared to fulfill their responsiblities. Lutheran young people spend two years studying the Catechism so they will be prepared to make their profession of faith in Christ on the day of Confirmation. As as pastor, I require at least four counseling sessions with engaged couples in order to help prepare them for the joys and struggles of married life.

Quite a lot of time and energy goes into preparing Christians for these major events in life. But I fear that one area has been somewhat neglected. I am afraid that we seldom do enough to prepare each other for one of the most traumatic events in family life: the death of a loved one.

That is something the average person experiences several times in life. Most of us see the death of our parents. We may be touched by the loss of brothers and sisters. Many of us have felt, or will feel, the crushing blow of our partner's death. And some of us may experience the overwhelming grief of our child's death.

The loss of a loved one is one of life's greatest traumas. It is something we cannot be totally prepared for. I am not so naive as to think that one sermon will do the job, but it might help a bit. So I want us to think for a few minutes about, "What you should do when a loved one dies."

Cry

The first thing you should do is cry. Crying is our natural response to pain. When a small child falls down and scrapes a knee, the first response is to cry. It's as natural as laughing when we're happy. But the sad thing is that too many children are taught not to cry. They are taught that tears are a sign of weakness. Parents will say, "Be a big girl now, don't cry." Or it is said to little boys, "Be a man; only sissies cry."

In that very process of socialization, we get the impression that crying is bad. But nothing could be further from the truth. Crying is good and healthy. It is the natural response to pain, whether it be physical pain or emotional pain. Tears are the water which God provides us to wash the pain from our hearts. When we neglect to cry, we are neglecting a God-given privilege and responsibility.

That's why I said that the first thing you should do when a loved one dies is cry. Because that is one of the most painful experiences of life.

Well-meaning Christians try to give the impression that if you cry when someone dies, it shows a lack of faith. They maintain that tears demonstrate a lack of joy for the eternal life that has come to the one who died. But, that's not fair. Crying at the death of a loved one does not indicate a lack of faith by any means. Our tears from our own sense of great loss. There is acute pain in the thought that one whom we love will no longer be with us. There is agony in the idea that we will no longer be able to share the joys, frustrations and intimacies of life with that person again. Of course, we are happy that Christ has taken him or her to eternal life in the heavenly mansion. There is joy and comfort in that thought. But there is sadness and sorrow that we have been left behind. We are sad because of our great loss! The pain is intense, and the tears are for ourselves. We cry because we hurt, and there is absolutely nothing unchristian about it.

In the Bible we read an incident from our Lord's life which helps here. The closest friends of Jesus while he was on earth were Mary and Martha and their brother, Lazarus. He spent much time in their home and shared with them the joys of friendship.

But one day tragedy struck; Lazarus became very sick and subsequently died. Jesus went to the home of Mary and Martha to be with his friends in that time of grief.

Now listen as I read John 11:33. "Jesus saw Mary weeping and he saw how the people with her were weeping too; his heart was touched and he was deeply moved." (Please notice that Jesus didn't tell them, "Don't cry, your tears show forth your lack of faith.") Instead, Jesus asked, "Where have you buried him?" They answered, "Come and see, Lord." And as Jesus stood before his friend's grave, the Bible says, "Jesus wept." In that way the Lord, through his own sorrow, blessed the tears of all who grieve.

In Genesis 23:1, we see that Abraham reacted the same way when his wife Sarah died. The text says that "he mourned her death with much weeping." (KJV) We should follow their example and cry.

They were not sissies! They were not being childish and silly. They were not showing weakness or lack of faith. They were responding normally to the pain of grief and loss. They cried because they hurt!

So when your life is touched with grief after some great loss, or the death of someone you love, cry and cry some more. Cry as much as you need to and don't be ashamed of it. For your tears will help wash the pain from your heart!

God Is With You

The second thing you should do when a loved one dies is to remember that God is with you! In Matthew 28:20, our Lord's final promise to us before he ascended into heaven was this: "Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

Jesus is with us, not only in the good times when we're happy, but also in the difficult times when we are sad. It is so important for us to remember that! The Lord never abandons us. He is always with us. It seems that when the clouds of grief move in, he stands even closer, giving us strength and encouragement.

When we hurt the most, the Lord can love and comfort us the most if we'll let him. As a child, I can remember times when I would be hurt so badly either physically or emotionally that nothing made me feel better than running to my mom or dad and letting them hold me in their arms and comfort me in the midst of my pain. My dear friends, when you hurt, there is no better place to run than to God. The Father in heaven wants to hold you in his arms and comfort you in the midst of your pain. He understands what you're feeling, and he is with you to give you strength and comfort.

Psalm 46 says, "God is our shelter and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble." And Proverbs 18:24 describes the Lord as a "friend who sticks closer than a brother." Regardless of the pain, tragedy, and trauma you feel any time in life - but especially when a loved one dies - remember that you have a friend in heaven who is with you to give you strength and courage. God is with you, holding his arms outstretched to embrace you with all his love and comfort, if you will just run to him. "Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you." (Psalm 55:22)

We Christians never walk alone through life, even when we feel the loneliest! There is an old story which many of you have heard, but it illustrates this so beautifully. It's called "Footprints."

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along a beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. In each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand - one set belonging to him and the other set belonging to Christ.

When the final scene had flashed before him, he looked back at the long line of footprints and noticed that many times along the path, there was only one set of footprints in the sand. He also noticed that this happened during the saddest and darkest times in his life.

This really bothered him, so he questioned Jesus about it, "Lord, you promised that once I gave my life to you, you would walk with me all the way. But I notice that during the most troublesome times in my life there was only one set of footprints. I don't understand. When I needed you the most, it appears as though you deserted me." Jesus then replied, "My precious child, I love you, and would never desert you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you saw only one set of footprints, those footprints were mine, for it was then I was carrying you!"

What a powerful message that has for us. When your life is filled with pain and trouble, for whatever reason, but especially when a loved one dies, remember that the Lord is there to comfort and console, strengthen and shelter you with the embrace of his strong arms. As a Christian you never walk alone, for God is with you especially when you hurt.

A Better Day

The third thing you should do when a loved one dies is to keep remembering that a better day will come. The pain will not last forever!

At the time, it feels as though life has come to a screeching halt. No matter how hard you try, you cannot see through the dark clouds of grief. You become engulfed by your pain and sorrow. You can find no reason at all even to pretend to be happy. All of your plans are shattered, your dreams are dashed, and your hopes are destroyed. Suddenly you find yourself asking, "What's the use in living. What's the sense in going on?"

Grief can do that to you. It can be overwhelming. It can defeat you if you let it. But we Christians must remember that our Lord has promised not only to be with us, but also to bring good out of even the worst situations. In Romans 8:28, we read a powerful promise. St. Paul wrote, "We know that God works through all things for the good of those who love him."

My friends, Scripture does not lie! Regardless of how bleak and barren today is, God will lead you into a better tomorrow. You must never let go of that hope! You must trust him to bring good out of your troubles and difficulties. in time, the clouds of grief will part, the pain will diminish, and the sun will shine in your life again.

One cold day in December, a young newspaper boy, dressed with thin clothes and no shoes, stood shivering in the rain on a city street. He would stand on one bare foot as he pressed the other one against his leg to keep it warm. Every few minutes he would call out: "Morning papers! Morning papers!"

A businessman, wearing a warm coat and holding an umbrella over his head, stopped by to purchase a paper. Seeing the young boy soaked and shivering, he said, "This winter weather is pretty rough on you, isn't it? I don't see how you endure it!" Looking up with a cheery smile, the youngster replied, "I don't mind too much, sir, for I know that the sun is going to shine again! Tomorrow will be a better day!"

That young man had hope! That same kind of hope is what enables us Christians to endure. When the dark clouds of grief engulf our lives, we must remember that the sun is going to shine again- for our God has promised to work through all things, even the pain of losing a loved one, to bring about blessings in our lives. We must be patient and wait on the Lord to work his miracles. Then we'll see that the pain will diminish. The pieces of our lives will fall back together, and a better day will come.

Conclusion

Certainly we can never be fully prepared for that awful day when death snatches away someone we love, for death always catches us off guard and unprepared. But perhaps it will be helpful to remember what you should do when a loved one dies. First, you cry and cry some more. Second, you remember that the Lord is with you to give you strength and comfort. And third, you can be assured that because the Lord is with you, a better day will come.