Harry and Martha had been married for fifty years when their friends and family threw an anniversary party for them. At the height of their celebration Harry proposed a toast with these words: “Martha and I have been married for fifty years and never had a fight. The secret to our bliss can be attributed to this. On the night of our wedding we agreed that whenever an argument arose between us, I would take a walk. Which, come to think of it, probably explains why I have lived a largely outdoor life.”

Marriage, who needs it? Marriage, why is it? Marriage, how long should it last? With questions like these, the Pharisees try to test Jesus. In response, Jesus gives us a teaching about one of societies most sacred institutions. Let us see if we can understand what he says.

I would like to start at the end of the teaching and work back toward its beginning. Jesus is very clear in saying,

I. SINGLENESS IS A VALID OPTION.

Mae West was famous for saying, “Marriage is a great institution, but I am not ready for an institution yet.” Disciples say, after Jesus’ probing teaching about the sacredness of marriage, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” Paul says in I Corinthians Chapter 7, which is a lengthy teaching of his understanding of marriage, “It is good for the unmarried and the widows to stay unmarried as I am.”

I point to these scriptures as a reminder that one is a whole number. We don’t have to be attached to somebody else in order to be a complete person. Churches, particularly, need to treat singles as whole persons and embrace you in this family of faith.

The last thing I say to a groom just before we walk down this aisle Saturday after Saturday is, “Are you sure you are ready for this?” I say it to ease the tension of the moment hoping he won’t faint in the midst of the ceremony. Jesus said it to alter tradition.

Old Testament Law ordered every woman to be attached to a man. It was a means of social security. Furthermore, her value was validated by bearing a male son. Women belonged to men in order to produce more men. Jesus, once and for all, put an end to that tradition. Sometimes we in the church need to be reminded that Jesus was a single person, over thirty who modeled a life of deep and intimate friendship without being married.

Why is it better for some people to be single? I suggest three reasons. Some are created for singleness. By genes or sexual orientation or personal opinion, the desire to be married simply is not there. I have a heterosexual friend in her late sixties who answers the endless question of why she never married by saying, “No man deserves to be as happy as I can make him!” To be forced by cultural standards to pretend is a prescription for disaster.

Some are single by circumstance. As a student pastor I was called to a member’s home on a cold and bitter winter night. I visited the elderly couple often and they had been married for nearly sixty years. That frigid night the wife died. We took her to the funeral home and immediately took him to the hospital. On the following Saturday I had her funeral and the Saturday after that I had his funeral. These two people, who had been together for sixty years, now happened to leave this world as one. That is not the norm or the way it usually happens. Death and divorce force people to live single lives. It is simply the circumstance of the moment.

Jesus says some people are single by the call of God. What would Jesus have done had he been married? “Next year in Jerusalem” would have had a literal meaning for his spouse because he was always on the road traveling.

We like to talk about John Wesley in Methodist churches. Indeed, he brought a great spiritual awakening to England and a vibrant denomination to us. He was a wonderful preacher and reformer, but he was a very poor husband. When his wife died he didn’t even know about it for nearly a month. He was on the road traveling, conducting his field campaign. If you happen to be married to your job, live for sports, always look out for number one, it would be very wise for you to stay single. It is a valid way to live a Christian life. Not everybody ought to be married.

Jesus says in the text:

II. MARRIAGE IS A LIFE LONG SACRED COVENANT.

The setting for this teaching is this: There are two schools of thought among the Pharisees. Pharisees, like you and me, like to put people in pigeon holes for control purposes. So, they test Jesus by asking, ‘Are you a liberal or are you a conservative when it comes to marriage?’ Jesus refuses to land into anybody’s category. Instead he goes back to creation and quotes this passage from Genesis, “In the beginning the Creator made them male and female and for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall cleave to his wife and they two shall become one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined let not people tear apart.”

In saying this, Jesus profoundly and consistently affirms marriage to be more than a legal contract. Marriage is a sacred covenant. I say to couples who come to this altar week after week, “Behold a mystery. Something has happened in this moment. Two have become one. A me and a my must now always take into consideration an us and an ours. A spiritual union has taken place.”

I suspect somewhere down in the depths of our souls we know that. I think that is why we get all dressed up, spend a lot of money, invite friends and family and have a gigantic celebration. Marriage calls for our finest intentions and best support because something sacred is happening.

The promise of a lifetime covenant is now much longer than ever before in the history of the world. Rock star, Rod Stewart, has said, “The problem with marriage is that our vows have been in existence for six hundred years. When they were said six hundred years ago the average lifespan was thirty-five years or so. If you married someone for a lifetime, you were only married for fifteen years or so. Now people are married for fifty, sixty or even seventy years.” In that sense, Rod Stewart is right. We are asking people to enter into a covenant for a much longer relationship than ever before because we live longer than we have ever lived before.

Fear of this has driven many couples in our day simply to “live together” instead of leaping into marriage. This “try it and see if you like it” philosophy brings with it some sobering statistics. According to Michael McManus, of one hundred cohabitating couples, forty will break up before marriage and of the remaining sixty who marry, forty-five will end in divorce.

Why should a marriage be a life long covenant? I would like to suggest three reasons. First of all, you deserve it. Marriage is a vulnerable estate. In marriage we come to know people as they really are. Intimacy deserves our unconditional commitment. If we are married unless you get cancer or as long as you stay attractive or until somebody else comes along, what hope is there for real love?

Phillip Yancey, on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his marriage, wrote this letter to his wife entitled, “Yes, My Legs Ache, But We Made It.” In it, Yancey compares the three hundred months of marriage to mountain climbing. “Some may make this marriage climb in a chair lift, but you and I have climbed it one step at a time, taking deep breaths, holding on tight, determined to reach the top. No wonder our legs ache.” Having a life-long, loving commitment creating the security of a family is hard work; but it is worth it. Anybody can marry for richer and for healthier and for better, but it is that old rhythm in those historic sacred vows that make family what it is: for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness, as well as in health. Why? Because you deserve it.

Trust demands it. Marriage is not a game of power and control. It is not a matter of superiority and submission. Marriage is a partnership of mutual trust. Sometimes you lead. Sometimes you follow. Always you try to be dependable, reliable, trustworthy. Marriage is the coming together of two tributaries which after being joined together flow in the same direction, carrying the same burdens of responsibility and obligations. That is why divorce is so messy. It is trying to separate water that is flowing together in a common stream. Why should marriage be a lifetime covenant? Trust demands it and trust is a precious sacred thing between two people.

Why should marriage be a lifetime covenant? Children need it. Isn’t it interesting, and I think it is no accident, that the teaching immediately following this one on marriage happens to be Jesus’ famous statement about children. “Let the children come unto me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to them.” It is also interesting that the teaching immediately before this one has to do with mercy, grace, and forgiveness. Wedged between, we find the principal of marriage sacredness.

One million kids a year have their lives shattered by the divorce of their parents. Kids are flexible. They bounce back. But let us not fool ourselves. The safety, security and stability of a child are threatened when the two people that child loves cannot live together anymore. The intentional will of God is for marriage to be a life-long sacred covenant.

III. Divorce can be a reluctant necessity.

Moses provided for it. Jesus makes an exception for it. Marriage is a promise not a prison. As long as marriage is made up of fallible people some marriages will fail. It is not as often as we might think. The pollsters have said one in two. In reality it is about one in eight, but nevertheless, some marriages will not make it.

Is divorce a sin? If by sin you mean “harmartia”—missing the mark of God’s intentional will —then, yes indeed, it is a sin; but it is not an unpardonable sin. The woman at the well is welcomed by Jesus even though she has been married five times and is now simply living with her lover.

Divorce is not a lifetime curse that produces second class Christians. The ground at the cross is level, and both the married and divorced stand in need of the grace it alone provides. The God who made us is always present to make us new. That is why we celebrate, at this altar, marriages of previously married persons.

When is it time to go? When you cannot stay. In Jasper, Indiana, about four years ago, John Ritzert was supposed to meet his ex-wife, Theresa, to sign over the deed to the house that they once owned together. Instead, the brick layer, shortly after day break, broke into the home by shattering a door, took his 20 gauge shotgun and killed his three children. Marriage was not made for violence. If you are in an abusive marriage, get help or get out now. It will not get better with time. God has not called you to live in fear.

When is it time to go? When hearts turn to stone. Moses permitted divorce because of hard hearts. Jesus challenged the law of Moses because it was only usable by a male. In Jesus’ day, on the liberal side of Judaism, divorce was the simple. If I, as a male, decided I did not want to be married to this female any longer, I could simply write a letter of divorcement. Jesus says that the sacredness of marriage counteracts that philosophy of life. You have to decide whether Jesus wiped out the law of Moses or simply reinterpreted it. Did he intend for people to stay together whose hearts have turned to stone is a question you will have to decide.

Do you ever watch people at a restaurant? I am such a people person that I sit in restaurants sometimes and watch people around me. At one table are two people engrossed in conversation with faces animated making every moment together count. At another table two people sit in a catatonic state. They have placed their order and have nothing else to say until the food arrives. Marriages die. The same God who raised Jesus from the dead can break hearts of stone. That is our Christian belief, isn’t it? It also takes willing persons to enter in to that resurrection.

When is it time to go? When trust is destroyed. Jesus was quite explicit about this in all of his teachings. He always made an exception to this covenant rule, for adultery. Dave did not mean to hurt anybody, he was just lonely, feeling inferior and needing a little boost to his ego. The flirting he started with the woman at the office did boost his ego, but it also busted his marriage. You know the story. It happens every day.

Does adultery automatically destroy marriage? Absolutely not. There are healthy, meaningful marriages that have weathered the storms of unfaithfulness. All marriages are tested, tempted and tried over time. But marriage without trust is sure to wilt on the vine.

What would Jesus say about marriage? To some here today he would say, ‘Stay single. It is a valid way to live a Christian life.’ To some he would say, ‘Hang in there. Marriage is worth it.’

To all of us he would say,
‘Live by grace and by grace alone,
for it is grace that’s brought us safe this far
and grace will lead us home.’

This is the word of the Lord as I understand it. You may or may not understand it that way and that’s O.K.