Some helpful person has made a list for men--a list of “What NOT to Buy Your Wife for Mother’s Day.” I realize this is a little late, but just in case any of you men were planning on running out to [Wal-Mart] this afternoon, this list might help:

1.  Don’t buy anything that plugs in.  Anything that requires electricity is seen as utilitarian.

2.  Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes.  The chances are one in 7,000 that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times.  “Do I look like a size 16?” she’ll say.  Too small a size doesn’t cut it either: “I haven’t worn a size 8 in 20 years!”

3.  Avoid all things useful.  The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.

4.  Don’t buy anything that involves…