107 million married persons in the United States are asking the question, "How can I make my marriage last?" The answer is in the details.
Here's my favorite "Go Figure!" for 1997: A major status symbol in this greedy-get-more consumer culture of ours is something that no amount of money can buy. You can't inherit it; you can't discover it; you can't even own it.
What is it? What is this remarkable commodity that draws gasps of astonishment and admiring glances when it is revealed?
It's a miracle marriage a long-lasting, loving marriage of two committed people.
It used to be only Golden Anniversary couples that got our attention, and even then it was as much for the sheer survival of the individuals as for the survival of the marriage. But as divorce statistics have skyrocketed (today's divorces are initiated as often by wives as by husbands, reveals Jan Jarboe Russell in "What Really Makes Marriage Last," Good Housekeeping, 1996, 98-99, 144), as divorce proceedings and grounds have shifted from laborious and shocking to simple and mundane, the average life span of a marriage has dropped alarmingly.
I grew up listening to John Denver declare undying, unending love for his wife in "Annie's Song." Denver is now divorced from her, as well as from a second wife, and is in another relationship. Glenn Stanton says that we have gone from "till death do us part" to "satisfaction guaranteed or your money back." Between 1960 and 1990, the American divorce rate more than doubled. Forty percent of all American children can expect to experience the divorce of their parents. In a culture that has made the shelf life of husbands, wives and families as disposable and perishable as a fresh container of milk, any marriage without an expiration date of 10 years is, well, a miracle.
In this week's gospel text, Jesus focuses far more on the divinely created nature of marriage than on the awkward human machinery of divorce. When we skip over this passage because its words sound harsh and unyielding to our ears, we also miss out on Jesus' resounding praise of marriage and the uniquely elevated status that a husband and wife hold in God's plan of creation.
By constantly skittering past Jesus' tough-sounding words on divorce, we miss a perfect opportunity to look at the reasons why marriages can be such life-affirming, soul-nurturing relationships. Until only recently, social scientists and marriage counselors focused primarily on why marriages fail, and so spent much of their time and energies studying divorced couples. Researchers have now at last begun to ask why it is some marriages do work, do last, do succeed. The church needs to join in this study and celebration seriously examining what long-lasting Christian marriages seem to have in common and honoring all those couples who have managed to "make it last" while keeping the spirit of love and joy alive in their marriage relationships.
When is the last time you left your spouse a love note? Washed your mate's hair? Taken a stroll in the moonlight? Scratched your mate's back? Given a 60-second hug? Sung a love song to your partner (well, scratch that idea)? Love and a lasting marriage is in the details. Just as car enthusiasts get joy out of "detailing" their '65 Mustangs with fastidious little touches, so marriage enthusiasts derive joy out of detailing their marriages. But a word of caution: No amount of detailing will make a broken-down, parts-depleted '65 Mustang run better; some radical repair work may be needed. But a good car, like a good marriage, will last longer if attention is given to the "details."
Chemist
Neil Warren, who has studied what he calls the "love secrets" of 100 couples with model marriages, says that his most significant finding is also the most surprising.
Here's the most shocking thing you may read in this entire book. Chemistry between two people is responsive to mental and emotional processes over which we have tremendous control. That's right, you can make chemistry happen. If you don't feel the flutter in your heart for your spouse that you once did, if the magic is gone from your relationship, don't panic. You can change that! (Neil Clark Warren, The Triumphant Marriage [Dallas: Word Books, 1995], 72.)
The phrase "The chemistry just isn't there anymore" should be banished from our vocabulary. Each of us can maximize chemistry to make new chemical reactions happen. The chemistry wrong? Mix up some new chemicals. Stir up some different romance ingredients. Here are some simple rituals of renewal which can keep your marriage romantically potent:
- plant a tree together
- give a gift in honor of your marriage
- renew marriage vows
- buy the biggest wedding cake and invite friends over
- exchange gifts of jewelry
Mathematician
But as important as it is to become a good chemist, it is equally important to become a bad mathematician. In marriage, each partner must be willing to put in more than he or she takes out. Psychiatrist Allen Fay recalls that "A patient once said to me, 'Marriage is a 50/50 proposition, isn't it?' I replied, "No, marriage is a 60/60 proposition. Each person has to do a little more than what he thinks his share is'" (PQR: Prescription for a Quality Relationship [New York: Simon & Schuster, 1988], 4).
Lasting marriages are not 50/50, tit-for-tat propositions. In another survey of 351 couples married for over 15 years, the ones who were happiest claimed that "You have to be willing to put in more than you take out." Sometimes one member of the couple needs to give 90 percent while the other gives only 10 percent (for example, during a serious illness, job loss, death in family, etc.) (J. Lauer and R. Lauer, "Marriages Made to Last," Psychology Today, June 1985, 26). A lasting marriage is one in which each partner "looks out for number two," not where each one is "looking out for number one."
But if it's bad marriage strategy to be a precise mathematician when it comes to divvying up the effort you put in, it is good marriage strategy to have enough mathematical savvy to keep track of the emotional deposits and withdrawals you and your spouse are making.
When your bank account is nearly empty, every deposit or withdrawal is keenly felt. In relationships, every act of love or caring is like money in the relationship bank. Each argument or instance of uncaring is like a withdrawal from the account. To be happy, couples must have a reserve of love and caring to help them through the rainy days in their relationship.
How much caring is enough? Researcher John Gottman believes that a marriage can withstand conflict if the ratio of caring to conflict is 10 to one.
The difficulty for severely distressed couples, however, is that an upsurge in caring doesn't automatically erase months or years of anger or unkindness. Commonly, one major argument for a dissatisfied couple can erase the effects of 10 to 20 positive interactions. ... Fortunately, for the average, satisfied couple who wish to boost their overall happiness, daily gestures of gratuitous kindness are good medicine. ("Predicting the Longitudinal Course of Marriages," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 17, 1991, 3-7.)
Finally, Paul's counsel to marriage mathematicians is to remember that "love ... keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 NIV).
Soul-o-Flexor
Among successful, long-lasting marriages, there is always an underlying given that both partners rely upon without hesitation: They must flex the muscles of trust and bend the knees of prayer.
* Flex the muscles of trust. Trust may not seem glamorous or sexy, but many marriages have found out too late that without trust, there is nothing. Mistrust is a cancer that rots away relationships. Faithfulness in a relationship is measured in more ways than monogamy; trust is the key component of faithfulness while mistrust always plays a part in unfaithfulness.
* Bend the knees of prayer. The connection between complete, genuine trust in one another and faithfulness is perhaps what underlies one final finding about lasting marriages that shouldn't be a surprise, but is. Andrew Greeley says, "It's one of those statistics that catches your eye and makes you say, 'No, that can't be!' But according to a groundbreaking Gallup survey, happiness in a marriage is better predicted by how often a couple prays together than by how often they make love." (For more on this see Faithful Attraction [New York: St. Martin's Press, 1991], 190.)
There's more. Couples who pray together (compared to couples who don't) report having greater respect for their mate (83 percent vs. 62 percent), agree on how to raise children (73 percent vs. 59 percent), are more playful (56 percent vs. 45 percent), and believe their mate is a skilled lover (62 percent vs. 49 percent). Individual prayer correlates with marital happiness, too, but joint prayer correlates at a level twice as high.
For couples where at least one partner seriously considered divorce but who since have reconciled, 85 percent engaged in joint prayer. While other factors were also present (such as equality, ability to disagree constructively and frequency of sex), none made the impact of joint prayer. Religion and spirituality play a more important role in marital happiness than most people realize. In a Gallup survey, religious beliefs enhanced marital stability for people of all ages (not just for older folk, who tend to be more religious and maritally secure).
A fluke? According to a 1990 university study, virtually ignored by social scientists, decades of research have demonstrated that people highly involved in their faith have the happiest marriages. (See D. Thomas and M. Cornwall, "Religion and Family in the 1980s: Discovery and Development," Journal of Marriage and the Family, 52, 1990, 983-992.)
The words "married life" or "marital bliss" need not be oxymorons. By paying attention to the details of chemistry, dropping an obsession with math, and using the soul-o-flexor to tone your trust-muscles and strengthen your knee-bending prayer life, you will infuse your marriage with long-lasting life!