Top 10 Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like

10.) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well . . .
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes, that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1.) I really don't deserve this.