A pastoral report: "We have been unable to find a suitable candidate for this congregation though we have one promising prospect. We have followed up the recommendations from church members with interviews or calling at least three references. This is a confidential report on the prospective candidates:

ADAM: Good man but has had problems with his wife and children. He and his wife have been known to walk around outside without wearing clothes.

NOAH: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

ABRAHAM: References reported that he once offered to share his wife with another man.

JOSEPH: Big thinker, but brags, believes in dream – interpretation and has a prison record.

MOSES: Modest and meek man but a poor communicator. Stutters. Known to blow his stack and act rashly. Left an earlier position under a murder charge.

DAVID: The most promising leader of all. Very musical. We discovered he had an affair with his neighbor's wife.

SOLOMON: Great preacher but our parsonage wouldn't hold all his wives and children. Has grandiose tastes.

ELIJAH: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.

HOSEA: A tender, loving pastor but his wife is a floosy or worse.

DEBORAH: Pushy female.

JEREMIAH: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things.

ISAIAH: Claims to have seen angels. Has trouble with his language.

JONAH: Refused God's call until he was forced to obey when he was swallowed by a fish. He said the fish spit him out on the shore. We hung up.

AMOS: Backward and unpolished. Would only fit in a poor rural congregation.

JOHN: Says he is a Baptist but doesn't dress like one. Has slept outdoors for months on end, eats a weird diet. Doesn't work well with others – we suggest he become a camp director instead of a pastor.

PAUL: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. Short on tact. So long-winded he has been known to preach all night.

JESUS: Popular at times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and his church dwindled to 12 people. Seldom stays in one place every long. And of course, he is single.

JUDAS: His references are solid. A steady plodder and good money manager. Conservative and well-connected with the community and religious leaders. This is the candidate we recommend to the congregation..."