A man laid his purchases on the check-out counter. Among those purchases was a large birthday card. On it was printed, “To my wonderful wife.”
The clerk said, “You’ve chosen our biggest and prettiest card.”
The man nodded sadly and replied, “Yep, but one day late.”
Oops, somebody’s in trouble. But every married person knows that a good marriage takes work.
“Marriages don’t last,” comedian Rita Rudner once said. “When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” That’s cynical, but it’s what’s happening in our society today.
Kirsten, age 10, was asked, “How does a person decide who to marry?”
She responded like this, “No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Eddie, age 6, was asked, “How can a stranger tell if two people are married?”
He responded, “Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Derrick, age 8, added, “You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
On the lighter side, Lynnette, age 8, was asked, “What do most people do on a date?”
She said, “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say . . . if you listen long enough.”
Marriages, at least for the moment, are between men and women. Maybe that’s the problem, Men are from Mars; women are from Venus.
Some Pharisees came to Jesus in order to test him. “Is it lawful,” they asked, “for a man to divorce his wife?”
Now, there was method to their madness. A debate raged among the scholars of Jesus’ time as to how lenient the law should be with regard to divorce. According to some scholars only adultery would suffice as grounds for divorce. According to other scholars, if your wife burned your toast, that was grounds. What about a wife divorcing her husband? It didn’t happen except, perhaps, among royalty. The men held all the cards, a situation that exists to one degree or another in many societies today. The Pharisees were putting Jesus in a difficult position. He was going to offend somebody no matter how he answered. “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
Jesus responded to this tricky question with a question of his own. “What did Moses command you?” he asked.
The Pharisees said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
Listen to Jesus’ response: “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law.” Then Jesus gave one of the most beautiful affirmations of marriage and family life that one can imagine. He took his listeners back to Genesis 1:27: “At the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’” Then he adds Genesis 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.” Then he adds this summation: “Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
“What God has joined together . . .” It is a beautiful affirmation of marriage. And many of you have had marriages like that. The two of you have become as one flesh. No issue is more important in our society than this one: How can we build lasting family relationships?
Before we answer that question, though, we need to make one thing perfectly clear: Marriage is not required for a fulfilling Christian life. The Bible is clear about this. Some people are really not designed for marriage, for one reason or another. Some may want to marry but never find a partner.
One poor guy says that when he was a child, his mother told him, “Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.” When he grew up, he learned that he could not please any of them.
Some people choose not to marry. Others have no opportunity for marriage. They never meet the right person. Others may choose to abstain from marriage to devote their life to serving God.
The Bible says in Genesis 2:18 “it is not good for man to be alone,” and therefore God created woman. And it is true we were not created to be alone. Everyone needs someone. But that does not mean that fulfilling relationships can only be found in marriage. Many single people will tell you they have found fulfillment in having friends and family members who care about them, including friends in church. It would be tragic indeed if anyone were to feel excluded from our fellowship because they do not have a spouse.
In fact, of course, St. Paul praises the single life. He writes, “I wish that all men were even as I myself . . .” (I Cor. 7:7) And by that he means single. We need to understand that Paul expected Christ to return at any time, and so he was encouraging his listeners to devote themselves to a life of prayer and preparation. He felt marriage could be an encumbrance for such a life. Still he did allow for marriage for those who were not given what St. Paul believed was “the gift of celibacy.” “Better to marry than to burn with passion” was Paul’s famous take on things. But it’s true that some of the great saints of the Bible Daniel, Elijah, Elisha, Paul, John the Baptist, and (of course) Jesus never married. You should never feel that you don’t fit in the church if you are single.
It’s hard enough to be single without feeling the church discriminates against you. The November, 1987, issue of Christian Singles magazine published a collection of what it called, “Loony Laws of Concern to Christian Singles.’’ Most of these laws are outdated, but they were still on the books back in 1987 and probably some of them still are today. For example, in Ellenville Depot, New York, the law states that women who are single must “be found wearing a corset’’ when attending church. In Bowman, North Dakota, no man who is single can marry the girl of his dreams until he proves his manhood by presenting his future father‑in‑law with six blackbirds or three crows he shot on a Sunday. In Orwell, Vermont, it is illegal for a single person to be seen riding an ugly horse to church. I know, ladies, it is easier to find a good-looking horse than it is to find a good-looking man, but that’s what the law says. This tongue-in-cheek article highlights the confusion over how to treat single men and women, even in the church. We need to remember that marriage is not required for a fulfilling Christian life.
However, if you choose to marry, God’s will is for the marriage relationship to be life-long. Marriage is for keeps. That is the goal. It doesn’t always work out that way, but it is still God’s intention.
I know this is a painful message for many of you. Divorces happen today just as they did in Jesus’ time.
Jesus told his listeners that Moses allowed divorce because “your hearts are hard.” Well, there are plenty of hard hearts still around today. Not every couple can be said to have been joined together by God. Some marriages are tragic mistakes. Some people find themselves joined to partners who are abusive, neglectful, irresponsible. Jesus understands that. Actually, he wasn’t interested in arguing the grounds for divorce with these Pharisees. What he wanted to do was point them to marriage as it should be marriage as God intended. Male and female, one flesh joined together physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually partners in every way. Respecting one another, loving one another, comforting one another, being there for one another, and where possible, bearing children together children that are loved and honored and raised to love God.
I don’t believe it is accidental that immediately following this passage concerning marriage there is that beautiful scene where people are bringing little children to Jesus and he takes them in his arms and blesses them. Part of God’s plan for marriage is the parenting of children.
Here again, many wonderful, devout couples are unable to bear offspring. Life tests us in many ways. And some couples decide that their situation does not lend itself to effective parenting. Jesus understands all this. What he wants us to see, however, is how beautiful God’s original plan is for the propagation of the race: One flesh, a couple before God with their offspring, a family in which God’s love abides. For those who choose to marry, this is what God wants a lifetime partnership.
Having said that, however, we need to face the fact that a satisfying life-long relationship requires work.
An old Persian philosopher was sipping tea one day when a friend came to speak with him. “I am about to get married!” his friend said. “I am very excited!” Then he asked the philosopher, “Tell me, have you ever thought about getting married yourself?”
“When I was younger,” the philosopher said. “I used to think about it all the time. I very much wanted to get married; but I decided to wait for the perfect woman. I searched all over the world to find her. And finally I did. She was a beautiful creature with a brilliant mind.”
“And did you marry her?” asked his friend.
“Alas,” the philosopher said sadly, “she was looking for the perfect man.”
You surely know by now that there are no perfect men and there are no perfect women. We are all sinners. And when you have two imperfect people in a relationship, there are going to be problems. A satisfying marriage is almost impossible without total commitment on the part of both husband and wife.
Psychologist Nathaniel Branden has studied the habits of couples who have been happily married for many years. He highlights nine ways in which husbands and wives can keep their love alive. Guess what he lists first?
“My own studies,” he writes, “as well as those of other marriage counselors, show that happy couples consistently . . . say, I love you. Happy couples express their love in words. They do not say, ‘What do you mean, do I love you? I married you, didn’t I?’ ‘Saying the words,’ one woman remarked, ‘is a way of touching.’” (1)
A satisfying marriage doesn’t come without work, attention, commitment. People come into marriage with all kinds of baggage. For example, we see Mom and Dad relating to one another and, consciously or unconsciously, we often imitate them. Sometimes parents are good role models; sometimes they are horrendous role models for how people ought to interact. Some people, by their very nature, are insensitive to others, including their marriage partner. Loving another human being requires commitment. It also requires something else.
A satisfying marriage requires the presence of God.
In the fall of 1998, an anonymous donor in Florida had an idea. He decided to hire an ad agency, the Smith Agency, to design a campaign to get the people of his community talking about God. The Smith Agency designed eighteen billboards with what were supposedly sayings from God. You’ve undoubtedly seen them. [We’ve mentioned them before.] Signs like, “Come on over and bring the kids . . . - God,” and “Let’s meet at my house Sunday before the game . . . - God,” and “We need to talk . . . - God,” and “What part of ‘Thou Shalt Not’ didn’t you understand? – God” and “Keep using my name in vain, I’ll make rush hour longer . . . – God.” The signs were an instant hit with much of the public. In fact, in the spring of 1999, the Outdoor Advertising Agency of America decided to use the spiritual billboards for its public service campaign that year. Soon, the sayings from God were appearing on ten thousand billboards around the country free of charge.
One memorable billboard said this, “The wedding was nice. How about inviting me to the marriage? . . . - God.” (2)
And ultimately that is the key to a successful marriage, isn’t it? make God a vital part of your marriage. Recently I read that a couple that worships together regularly stands only a one in twenty-seven chance of divorce. Here again, half-hearted commitment doesn’t work. Nominally committed Christians divorce at the same rate as the greater society. But two people who are committed to one another and who are genuinely committed to God will usually find a way to make a marriage work.
The Pharisees were trying to put Jesus in a difficult situation by having him take a stand on the grounds by which a man could put away his wife. What they got instead was a beautiful and touching affirmation of marriage marriage as it was meant to be. You don’t have to be married to have a satisfying life. But if you do marry, you should do it with the intent that this will be a lifelong relationship. That takes work. And that takes the grace of God. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
1. Reader’s Digest, October 1985, p. 27. Cited in Ed Young, The 10 Commandments of Marriage (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2003), p. 179.
2. Tommy Nelson, The 12 Essentials of Godly Success (Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2005), p.170.