Some of you may be fans of “Click and Clack, the Tappet brothers,” the mechanics on NPR’s Car Talk. Click and Clack are the radio names for the hosts of Car Talk, Tom and Ray Magliozzi. Someone wrote Tom and Ray a letter sometime back.
Dear Tom and Ray:
Today I was involved in an accident. I was happily cruising along at the speed limit . . . in the right lane, when someone came up behind me. He was clearly very upset that I was doing just the speed limit, and he could not stand being unable to get around me because of a line of cars in the other lane. He began to follow me very closely.
Now, this situation activated some kind of psychological trigger for me, and I responded by tapping my brakes, causing him to swerve into the other lane (fortunately, there was a gap in the line of cars there). He didn’t stay there, though. He swerved back into my lane, and followed me even more closely. I responded by applying my brakes gently, and he proceeded to hit my car‑‑four times before we came to a stop! I got out of the car and started yelling at him, which he reacted to by leaving the scene . . .
Now, legally, I know that the accident is entirely his fault. But ethically, I feel that I could have avoided the accident if I had not reacted in such a rash way . . . My question is, can you suggest an alternate, less self destructive but equally satisfying response other than hitting the brakes when I am being tailgated? – [signed] Cliff
Click and Clack answer like this:
You want something equally as satisfying as having him crash into your car four times and then take off? Well, you could drive into a tree to make him feel bad. Unfortunately, the only reasonable thing to do in that situation is ignore the guy, Cliff. That’s difficult to do when somebody is being an unmitigated jerk . . . But if you’re doing the speed limit and driving legally, that’s the only good solution. Anything else is escalation‑‑and, as you realized, that makes you equally responsible for the results. He does one thing; you retaliate by doing something else. Then he retaliates, and pretty soon . . . nobody even remembers, or cares, who started it.
It’s very tempting to “teach the other guy a lesson.” But that’s not your job. My brother tried that for years. When someone would tailgate him, he’d stop the car in the middle of the road, get out, walk around and ask if there was a problem. After being punched in the nose five or six times, and paying off the vacation homes of several local plastic surgeons, he finally gave up and now leaves the lessons to the police.
That’s what you need to do, too, Cliff . . . When something like this happens, remember that people ultimately get what they deserve, even if it isn’t at that exact moment. If you’re a nice person, good things will happen to you. If you’re a jerk, the police will eventually pull you over, you’ll get a $200 ticket, [and] your insurance rates will go up $400 a year. (1)
Interesting situation, don’t you think? Have you ever been in this situation or one like it? Have you ever been in a situation where you were right, but you knew an expression of anger would cause the situation to escalate?
Nearly twenty years ago there was another interesting letter this time to advice columnist Ann Landers. It also dealt with handling anger and resentment. It reads like this:
Dear Ann Landers, I’ve suddenly become aware that the years are flying by. Time somehow seems more precious. My parents suddenly seem old. My aunts and uncles are sick. I haven’t seen some of my cousins for several years. I love my family Ann, but we’ve grown apart. Then my thoughts turn to the dark side. I remember the feelings I’ve hurt, and I recall my own hurt feelings the misunderstandings and unmended fences that separated us and set up barriers.
I think of my mother and her sister, who haven’t spoken to each other in five years. As a result of that argument my cousin and I haven’t spoken either. What a waste of precious time.
Wouldn’t it be terrific if a special day could be set aside to reach out and make amends? We could call it “Reconciliation Day.” Everyone would vow to write a letter or make a phone call and mend a strained or broken relationship. It could also be the day on which we would all agree to accept the olive branch extended by a former friend. This day could be the starting place. We could go on from here to heal the wounds in our hearts and rejoice in a brand new beginning. Signed, Van Nuys.
Ann’s response was this: “This is a great idea. I propose that every year at this time we do just that that we celebrate “Reconciliation Day” and pick up the phone or write a letter that will bring joy to someone who might be in pain.” (2)
I don’t know if Reconciliation Day ever got off the ground, but it is certainly a great idea. Particularly with regard to our lesson for today. Jesus says in Matthew 18:15, “If your brother or sister sins [against you], go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over . . .” (3)
Many of you remember Tim Russert who died of a heart attack in 2008 at the young age of 58. Russert was the much respected moderator for the weekly news show “Meet The Press.” A few years ago he published a book titled Big Russ and Me: Lessons of a Father and Son. As a result of that book, Russert received thousands of letters and e-mails. He read them all. It took him about a year and a half to do that.
The end result of all the letters and e-mails was another book, Wisdom of Our Fathers: Lessons and Letters from Daughters and Sons.
Of all that correspondence the vast majority came from people who, like Tim Russert, had nothing but praise to offer on behalf of their fathers. There was only one person who asked to remain anonymous. It came from a woman who was estranged from her father. She asked to remain anonymous because of the progress she had made at reconciliation. Inspired by Russert’s first book she writes about her struggle to find a way to open the door to her father, even a crack. She remembered how, as a child, she and her father would open a bag of pistachios, and carefully place all of the empty shells back in the bag so it looked as though none were eaten. It was their shared joke to see who would reach into the bag next for the surprise. So, in an attempt to heal the breach between them, she sent her father a bag of pistachios. It came back a few days later, nothing but empty shells. It was a beginning. (4) Such beginnings are important.
Reconciliation is at the heart of Christian faith. Paul writes in II Corinthians 5:18, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation . . .” That is who we are. We are a reconciling community. Christ has reconciled us with God. We, then, are to be reconciled with one another. So, if someone has something against us, or if someone has done something to us, rather than striking out in anger we are to go to that person and seek to be reconciled.
Dr. Daniel Lioy tells about an incident involving former major league first baseman, J. T. Snow when he was with the San Francisco Giants. Snow was at bat during a spring training game when Pitcher Randy Johnson threw a 100 MPH pitch that hit Snow’s left wrist, ricocheted into his left eye and broke his left eye orbit.
The following day, Snow called his mother not to talk about himself but to see how she was doing. Snow had not spoken with his parents for nearly three years. We don’t know why, but Snow’s relationship with his parents had been fractured. An ocean of silence kept them apart. Snow learned in this conversation that his mother had cancer. Twenty five percent of her scapula had been removed because of a growing tumor. She also had undergone 35 days of radiation and was preparing for chemotherapy. Snow regretted that time of not speaking. Ultimately, it did not matter who was right or wrong. They needed each other. As a result of Snow’s call, the family reconciled. (5)
To think what might have happened if Snow had not called home. His mother might have died without him even knowing about it.
Warren Wiersbe tells about a handsome elderly man who stopped by his study one day. The man asked Wiersbe if he would perform a wedding for him. Wiersbe suggested that the man bring his intended bride in so that they might chat together and get better acquainted, since he hesitated to marry strangers.
“Before she comes in,” the man said, “let me explain this wedding to you. Both of us have been married before to each other! Over thirty years ago, we got into an argument, I got mad, and we separated. Then we did a stupid thing and got a divorce. I guess we were both too proud to apologize. Well, all these years we’ve lived alone, and now we see how foolish we’ve been. Our bitterness has robbed us of the joys of life, and now we want to remarry and see if the Lord won’t give us a few years of happiness before we die.” (6)
That sometimes happens to a couple, doesn’t it? Somebody does something dumb, or says something dumb, then pride gets involved, and a relationship that could have worked out beautifully gets broken. What a beautiful thing it is, however, to see such a relationship restored.
Of course, for a relationship to be restored someone has got to take the first step. “If your brother or sister sins [against you], go and point out their fault, just between the two of you . . .” In other words, taking the first step is usually the business of the one who is closer to Christ. Reconciliation is tied to the cross. Paul writes, “All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation . . .” It is because Christ reconciled us through his death on Calvary that we are able to take the first step to be reconciled with those who have hurt us. God took the first step to heal the rupture with humanity; now we are to take the first step in healing any ruptures in relationships with others.
You may know the story of the famous feud between John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. The feud began when Jefferson defeated Adams in his bid for a second term as President. On the eve of his inauguration, Jefferson went to the White House to tell Adams he hoped they could still be friends. Before Jefferson could say a word, Adams began ranting, “You have turned me out! You have turned me out!”
For eleven years, they did not talk. Then some of Jefferson’s neighbors visited Adams. The old man burst out; “I always loved Jefferson and I still love him.”
The neighbors brought that message to Jefferson, who urged a mutual friend to let Adams know of his “affections.” Adams responded with a letter, and so began a correspondence that is among the greatest in American history. The relationship was healed, but somebody had to take the first step. (7)
Pastor Harold Oliver tells about the mother of a friend of his who hadn’t talked to her sister for years (in fact for almost as long as his friend could remember). But one day as he was visiting her, there was a friendly phone conversation. When his mother hung up, he asked, amazed, “Was that Aunt Martha?”
“Yup,” his mother said.
“Well, I’ve never heard you talk to her before,” he said. “That’s great! What happened?”
His mother said, “I realized I don’t have a lot of years left and I didn’t want to carry this thing for the rest of my life. So I prayed to Jesus and I called Martha up.”
That’s what must be done if relationships are to be restored: “I prayed to Jesus and I called Martha up.” Reconciliation is what Christian faith is all about. Who’s going to take the first step? It will normally be the one who lives closest to Christ.
Of course, some wrongs are so grievous that they can only be forgiven by the grace of God.
C. Wayne Hilliker tells about a television program which showed a group of young people about to receive their driver’s license. They were sitting in a courtroom and listening to two speakers who appeared to be a father and his teenage son. The teenager spoke first. With eyes never looking up, he slowly and quietly told his story about something that had happened to him less than a year ago. He had been driving too fast, he said, and had lost control, with the car going off the road, and colliding with a tree. He managed to survive, but his passenger, his best friend, died instantly of a broken neck. He went on to describe, quite graphically what his buddy looked like, and how he felt, and how he would never be able to forgive himself for what he had done.
And then he sat down.
Next to speak was the man beside him who turned out to be, not his father, but the father of the boy whom this driver had killed. The father spoke quietly, with difficulty, but also with dignity. He went on to share with a room full of soon to be licensed teenage drivers what it meant for him as the father, and for the boy’s mother to lose their only child. He described in quite a bit of detail the kind of young man their son was. He went on to imagine some of the possible contributions their son could have made to the community, had he lived. His comments clearly demonstrated that in his mind, there was no greater sacrifice than the sacrifice of an unfinished life. The father pointed out how proud he had been of his son and how proud he now was of this young man beside him who was willing to testify in this manner, to other drivers, in such a painful and costly, but powerful way.
The reconciliation between this father and this teenage driver was born out of their mutual desire to see some kind of “saving possibility” arise out of the death of a precious loved one. (8) I don’t know about you, but when I hear of an act like this, I have to believe God is at work.
All of us are tempted to strike back at the offensive driver. All of us are tempted to hold on to resentments even to the point of allowing precious relationships to be severed. But what would Jesus have us do? It’s clear in this passage. He would have us take the first step. Let’s make today our Reconciliation Day.
1. www.cartalk.com/content/columns/Archive/2006/June/06.html. Cited by Pastor Susan Barnes, http://www.firstpresbaker.org/Sermons/Sermons_2006/August_13_06.htm.
2. Cited by Rev. Richard J. Fairchild, http://www.rockies.net/~spirit/sermons/a le06sesn.php.
3. Some translations (including the NIV) omit “against you.” These words appear in some manuscripts, but not others.
4. Cited by Rev. Thomas A. Roan, http://www.wtcongregationalchurch.org/sermondetail.php?sermon_id=80.
5. Tarbell’s Lesson Commentary, Sept. 2004-August 2005 (Colorado Springs: Cook Communications).
6. Be Rich (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1976), pp. 117-118.
7. Contributed. Source unknown.
8. http://www.chalmersunitedchurch.com/sermons/sep12s99.htm