Do you like to eat? I do. I like food! And it shows. Unfortunately, food does not like me and the result is I am always on a diet. I think I have always been on a diet and I will always be on a diet, or I will get as big as a house or as the more politically correct language of the day has it, I will be "a gentleman of size."

I have always believed that there is profound theology in this constant "battle of the bulge" I fight: It proves to me that there is a heaven ... because there is no justice in this world. Why should someone as wonderful as me have to constantly worry about what he eats? Why should I gain six pounds by looking at a slice of pizza or sampling a teeny-weeny piece of cheesecake when so many killers and thieves and rapists can eat anything they want and never gain an oun…