ALAN RODDA, currently president of Ridgewood Holding Company in San Jose, California, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist who at the time of delivering No Fifth Wheels in God’s Economy was Senior Pastor of the First Church of the Nazarene in Portland, Oregon. His particular tradition is quite explicit in affirming the Bible as the revelation of the divine word and affords the pastor great authority and responsibility as the interpreter of that word. Rodda speaks within this context to his normal Sunday congregation in his sermon published here. No Fifth Wheels in God’s Economy deals with the often neglected predicament of the single adult. Rodda covers the common stereotypes of singleness and marriage, the advantages and disadvantages of both states, and points beyond any particular structures to realistic meaning in Christian Living.

I would like to talk in this last message of the series about living as a single adult in the Church. I’ll speak from the scriptures as well as my personal experience with many singles both in this church and others.

"Who’s your boyfriend?" or "Who’s your girlfriend?" is the question girls and boys are asked from the time they are old enough to answer. After they have graduated from college or worked several years without marrying, the question turns into a pitying, "Why isn’t a nice guy or gal like you married?" We often find we have no normal words for dealing with unmarried people past 25. At the supermarket everything comes in the "family size." At many churches one has the choice of the young married’s class or old married’s class. As I grew up in the church, I occasionally heard young men speaking about bachelorhood only half-jokingly in terms like "Celibates for Christ" and "Bachelors till the Rapture." And I have read more than one Christian book on marriage which puts the point bluntly: "The plan of God is for marriage, not singleness." One cartoonist has pictured the neurotic person as the single who walks out of a restaurant and asks himself, "my place or mine?" One woman working in a church was asked by a parishioner if she planned to get married. When she replied that it was not a priority item, he irritatingly said, "You don’t know yourself. Every normal woman wants to get married and the church wants normal women."

Everywhere you see the stereotype. The ugly perception rears its head. Unmarried people over 25 and 30 are misfits, either sexually maladjusted, neurotically dependent on parents, antisocial or abnormal in some way. We marrieds talk in glowing terms about ministering to the singles, but we avoid asking them to our homes and confine our closest friendships to married couples. Left alone, singles develop sometimes even more of a withdrawal complex, further compounding our notions of them as somewhat neurotic and irresponsible, self-serving in their interests.

Is it true, this perception we have? The answer of course is that in some particular cases, yes. In others, no. It depends on the person. Some have not chosen singleness and have not accepted it. They are tempted to blame God for disappointing them, for after all, he has a "plan" for everybody’s life and presumably that plan includes someone else very special. What happened, they ask, to the promise, "My God shall supply all your needs" and "ask and you shall receive?" The spiritual and emotional conflicts these teachings, taught in such a simplified way, set up inside single persons, who have not made peace with their singleness, are devastating. They are tempted to turn their back on the church and on God and try to forget such agonizing promises. Or another response is to blame themselves. Perhaps they begin to imagine God is punishing them for some sin and has put a lifetime curse upon them. So they begin trying to atone by looking inward, wondering how they might be the problem, hoping to assuage God’s judgmental will. They begin to believe these false stereotypes of society and the church. So, she slavishly reads all the literature on how to catch a husband. He goes to "parents without partners" even though his only dependent is a cocker spaniel. Their self-esteem is shattered. They are God-forsaken failures in their own and others’ imaginations.

But this is only one part of the crowd of singles. And a small part. Psychological studies have found that single women scored second in happiness only to married men. Recent studies comparing personal and social adjustment found that single women have less emotional problems than married women, and are physically healthier. Some men and women have freely chosen singleness, even when there was the opportunity to marry. Others, though earlier preferring marriage, have adjusted very well and found that singleness is quite fulfilling. And of course many, divorced or widowed, have made good adjustments to singlehood and are making significant contributions to life.

The point is, that singles are individuals with weaknesses and strengths just like anybody else, just like married people. And they are single for a variety of reasons. They have the same needs as anyone else and they have a right to expect that the church will help them meet these needs, and not look down upon them if they express them or move toward meeting them, and not be constantly pushing them toward marriage, implying to them that marriage is the only way a person can be mature and growing. A single woman has as much right to close fellowship with a man as a married couple do, without the burden of everybody thinking that it is unfittingly sexual in overtone or intent. A single man has as much right to be a leader in church circles as a married man. The church needs to admit that while the scriptures indicate God created Eve to be a companion with Adam, that Jesus never married. And who will say his life was incomplete and neurotically unfulfilled? The church could also remember that Paul spoke of marriage, not singleness, as a limitation to serving God. I would wager you have not heard many sermons on the text, "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do." Every person, single or married, must eventually come to terms with his or her own life, accept it where it is, and then take the responsibility for that life, confident in God’s love and providence.

This morning, because singleness is belittled and singles are held at arm’s length in various ways in the church, I do want to turn to some scriptures in which both Jesus and Paul say things worth hearing about being single. Let’s turn first to Matthew 19. Jesus is being tested by the Pharisees about the current issue regarding "easy" versus "hard" divorce and responds that God’s intention was for marriage never to be broken. The two become one and you cannot separate the two. "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate," Jesus tells them, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."

The disciples, along with the Pharisees, are amazed at Jesus’ statement and respond: "If the relationship of the husband with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry." They were seeing the seriousness Jesus placed on the marriage relationship. They said in effect, "Wow! If that’s the way it is, it’s better not even to get married!" Now, notice Jesus’ very interesting reply. He does not disagree. He says, "Not all men can accept this statement, but only those to whom it has been given."

What he is saying here is that to some people singleness is a gift. Have you singles ever thought of viewing your singleness as a gift from God? Jesus viewed it that way. I am not suggesting that it is a permanent gift for all, though for some it may be. But it is definitely a gift that a person doesn’t have to worry about receiving. I am talking about where you are at right now, in the present. You can view your singleness at this point in your life, as a gift from God. "Some people," Jesus said, "are made eunuchs, (that is, are quite able to function without direct sexual relationships) for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. He who is able to RECEIVE this, let him receive it." There is a lot more in the text I would like to explore, but I will leave it, simply noting that Jesus called singleness a gift.

Paul uses that same word, "gift," in 1 Corinthians 7:7. "I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them that they remain (single) even as I." Paul understands singleness as a gift. The state in which you are living now, if you are single, is a gift from the Lord. Why does Paul regard singleness as a gift? Read with me verses 32-35 for his answer:

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman or girl is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

Paul is speaking very positively here. He elevates the state of singleness to the point where a person can give his or her undivided devotion to the Lord, can be totally absorbed with pleasing him with no conflicts of interest. Let’s face it. Marriage entails a complex responsibility, dealing with a world of relational and financial complications. Please don’t misunderstand Paul here: he is not speaking against marriage at all, BUT at the same time, he is encouraging the single person to realize the blessings and advantages of his or her singleness; to realize that it just may be a gift from God.

I think it is important for us to understand that BOTH marriage and singleness are levels of experience through which God calls us to be servants. We have spoken previously of the way in which marriage is meant to communicate the relationship of Jesus Christ to his Church. But friends, let us admit that marriage is only an image, an imperfect reflection of the communion we will one day know with God and with each other. Many times it is in relationships other than marriage that we begin to discover the communion, the transparency, the openness, the knowledge of another person, that gives us an image of what it will be like to be totally open before God. I hope you singles get the point of what I am saying here. While marriage has its own special place in God’s economy, it is certainly not the only place where God speaks to and involves himself in life and experience. It is in any relationship of openness, commitment, and transparency where God speaks and life is transformed.

And I really believe Paul’s words, that some of the greatest people in all of God’s kingdom are single. By using their additional time for a rich devotional life, by meeting him daily through the Bible and in prayer, they have entered into an intimate companionship that all too few Christians enjoy, a companionship that has met as many or more needs than even a good marriage. They have discovered, in their freedom to come and go, a tremendous opportunity to love people and to be loved in a special way that marriage, with its exclusive demands, can never achieve. I have a strange feeling that the single person who is always wishing he or she were married would probably get married, discover all that is involved and not involved, and wish to be single again. So I encourage those of you who are single, for whatever reason, to praise God for your state, and to see that God has called you to live now, not four years from now. You and I don’t know what is going to be happening four years from now. God calls each of us to realize our full potential as men and women in each moment of the seasons we have been given. So again, I encourage you to realize the potential to which God has called you in the living present.

Now there are some particular problems with being single, just like there are some particular problems with being married, problems we should all be aware of in God’s community. Let me speak to you singles first. This extensive relationship with God to which you have been called could give you a position of tremendous influence and leadership in the Body of Christ. When that relationship is cultivated, it is amazing the contribution you can make, if we will let you, (and I will touch upon that problem in a moment.) If that relationship with the Lord is not cultivated however, I see some potentially dangerous eccentricities that could develop. I see the potential of an inappropriate self-centeredness for one thing. Singles may use their freedom as an excuse for irresponsibility, coming and going, accepting no long term commitments. I want to say something pointed here from my experience. The most wasted talent in the church often is our single talent. But it is not always because it is unwanted, but because it cannot be counted on. There is sometimes withdrawal and passivity and irresponsibility. The freedom to come and go becomes almost godlike in its priority, and I don’t like what that does to anybody, singles included. I believe that every single, for the sheer discipline of it, needs to commit himself or herself to at least one discipline in the church community, whether it is formally requested or not.

Another problem with singles is confusing loneliness with aloneness. Doris Fletcher has given me a great definition of loneliness. It is the state of being overly preoccupied with being alone. Loneliness, in other words, is a basically selfish, narcissitic experience. I know that there are many instances in which one feels lonely in a legitimate way. No one is reaching out for me or caring for me at the deepest level of myself. I am feeling real loss, desperation, and isolated from people who care for and notice me. It is natural to feel that, but it is not helpful for us to nurse that feeling into self-pity, and come to feel that someone out there "owes" me some noticing and is purposefully withholding. That immediately makes us a passive person, simply waiting to be stroked at the mercy of others whom we perceive have what we need. Your challenge, singles, is to move out and use your sense of loneliness as a clue to actively lead you to the resources for feeding that we all need. I’ll say more about loneliness and aloneness in a moment.

I think a further problem which single people must face is not buying the great exultation of the married state which society (yes the church) so often says is God’s only link to maturity, and instead of pursuing marriage, pursue love. I want to share this idea which is close to my heart this morning - that what God wants us all to pursue is not marriage, but love. Marriage is not an end in itself. The end is love. Marriage or any relationship is the servant of love - or ought to be. If you are pursuing marriage as a single, you are pursuing the wrong thing. If you are pursuing the "perfect marriage" as a couple already married, you are pursuing the wrong thing. Then love starts to become subservient to marriage. We start making up our own ideas of what love is and don’t allow God to show and teach us what love actually is through the various relationships we have all been given. Pursue love, not marriage. This is such a simple principle, but it has set many a person free, especially single persons in their relationship with the opposite sex. Pursuing love functions to alleviate, for example, the question, "IS THIS THE ONE?" because that is not so important. Instead, we are simply learning how to minister, how to build up one another, how to be friends. I’ve heard singles talk about the element of "weirdness" that enters into their relationships with the opposite sex. By "weirdness," I mean the pressure which results from the prospect, or the expectation that the relationship MUST lead somewhere, usually to marriage. So instead of opening up to one another and ministering to one another, caring for one another, both people get uptight, and these expectations arise which rob the relationship of spontaneity, and one of the parties (usually the guy) splits, with tremendous feelings of hurt and confusion. The expectations rob people of the freedom to enjoy each other for what they are, as well as the ability to love each other with an agape love. The pursuit of love is impossible on the pony called "expectations." It is a doomed quest, because the moment we choose that pony, we are no longer pursuing love in a relationship, no longer seeking the other person’s total good, but are seeking our own fantasy that we superimpose on the reality of what we actually could be enjoying with another.

The key to the solution, I think, lies not in withdrawal, not in trying to love less in order to keep the relationship from getting confused erotically or otherwise, but in trying to love more, to love someone in a way that allows them to be open to us transparently without manufactured expectations polluting the relationship. Love is not a zero-sum game, in which the more we love one, the less we must love others. Rather, the more we learn HOW to love one, the more we are able to love everybody. We need to "legitimatize" love between brothers and sisters who don’t feel the Lord leading them to marriage. I have begun to see that there is really no back door in any relationship. Once a relationship is started among God’s people, even if it starts to get difficult, we have a responsibilty and opportunity to work that difficulty out with each other. We don’t run away in fear or confusion, because in God’s community, there is no back door to relationships. The definitions of the relationship may change, but we are to close the door behind us and move forward. For the Lord is striving for us all to become one in him, and any move counter to that oneness, any move that separates us from each other, is a move against the Divine will. Who knows about the future? You might eventually marry someone, you may not. You will certainly have an enriching opportunity to learn the deeper meanings of love and friendship in the concrete relationships that come your way. In any case, don’t make the mistake of thinking that all good things in life go with marriage and all things lacking go with being single. That is an illusion. It just isn’t so. God gives to singles some tremendous experiences in life, many of which have been denied me as a married person. Life, as created by God, is so full and radiant that everyone, single or married, should honestly be able to say that they are not bored or lacking. For we do not have to be. God’s total creation is good. - Genesis 1:31.

Now a brief word to the married portion of the church community. Married friends, we have a responsibility to meet the personal and spiritual needs of singles as well as our own. In a society which equates love and marriage, the single does often feel unloved. The church should be one place where any person can feel loved and accepted. Yet, the single person often feels most left out in church. "It’s the place of my deepest loneliness" admitted one person. Another explains, "It’s hard to always have to sit alone in the congregation amid all those families." A single person needs to know that what he or she is doing and being here is worthwhile. Singles need married people who can share their joys, sorrows, and reinforce their self-esteem and vice versa. Paul speaks of the church as Christ’s body in which "if one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together." Singles need to share their lives with marrieds, and marrieds need to share their lives with singles. Singles and marrieds can both reap the rich rewards of being affirmed, touched, and stimulated intellectually and spiritually on the right moral plane.

Human resources which God has redeemed are too important for inaccurate, out-of-place stereotypes to cut us off from each other. A single person is simply another member of the family of God, a human being with the same gifts and needs as other human beings. They ask no more than any other person and stand ready to give all that any person is capable of giving.

A final word to those of us who are married is that there is much we can learn from our single companions, especially about this difference between aloneness and loneliness that many of them have learned so well. Again, aloneness does not equal loneliness. Aloneness is a state of being where I shut out the outside world, where I am in contact with my Lord, my true self, where I am discovering my uniqueness, my spiritual gifts, my talents, and I am learning, growing, and changing. Aloneness is the opportunity to allow God to speak when no one else is crowding in. It is a lowering of the noise level of life so that we become more sensitive. It is sensing myself as unique in God’s sight and appreciated for the difference. It is feeling accepted by God in quietness and an ability to move from that acceptance to reach out in accepting ways to others. Aloneness is our willingness to sense God as one’s ultimate friend and confident, to give up illusory demands made on spouses or friends, and to discover the autonomy to make decisions that are best in line with God’s will for us as individuals.

We all need aloneness, married and single. Singles, your special challenge is to keep the distinction between aloneness and loneliness clear and transform loneliness into aloneness. Marrieds, your special challenge is to not allow the rush and business of togetherness take away your need for creative, meditative aloneness. Our Lord has shown us all the way. We see him in crowds. We see him in intense small groups and individual relationships. We see him going to the mountain to pray, alone. And we seek to follow him in our own day and time, in our own concrete historical circumstances, whatever that might be. Amen.

The Rev. Alan L. Rodda, Ph.D.