In a newspaper cartoon recently a woman with folded arms and a superior expression on her face says to her husband, "A good husband needs to be strong, caring and sensitive. You have all but three of those qualities."
Then there is that classic story of the woman who hired a medium to bring back the spirit of her dead husband. When he appeared in a ghostly form, she asked, "Honey, is it really better up there?" Without hesitation he answered, "Oh, yes, it is much better. But I'm not up there!" Some of us are laughing to keep from crying.
Nothing in this world is more satisfying than a good marriage. A young couple was visiting with an older couple celebrating their 50th anniversary. "Fifty years!" one of them exclaimed. "That's a long time to be married to one person." The old gentleman looked over at his wife with love in his eyes and said, "It would have been a lot longer without her." Many of you know about that kind of relationship.
We must also acknowledge, however, that marriages do not always work out like that and when they do not, the hurt and the anguish may be almost unbearable. We are told that the great writer, H.G. Wells, came from an unhappy home. His parents quarreled constantly. His mother had no regard nor respect for her husband, resented him deeply and ventilated her feelings to anyone who would listen. After her death, H.G. Wells found his mother's diary. In it she had kept a daily record of every one of her husband's supposed sins and short comings. She was a most unhappy woman.
You know the statistics. Thirtyeight per cent of all first marriages fail. Seventynine per cent of those whose first marriages fail will remarry and fortyfour per cent of the second marriages will fail as well. Thirty percent of all American couples will experience some form of domestic violence during their lifetimes. Twenty per cent of all officers killed in the line of duty are killed while answering calls involving family fights. Approximately twelve to fifteen million wives are battered each year. The negative facts and figures of marriage paint a very grim picture indeed.
Thus we have this tension. On the one hand, one of the major goals that most of us have is a happy marriage. We were not created to be alone. Biologically, emotionally and spiritually we reach out for one another. This is one of the wondrous facts of creation. In the story of the creation Adam and Eve, Adam's response when he first beholds Eve is one of utter surprise and joy. Bible scholars tell us that the English translation that we have cannot express the full measure of Adam's delight as he gazes upon this lovely creature. Then he pronounces his name and hers, ISH AND ISSHAH. He recognizes her as "flesh of (his) flesh and bone of (his) bones." They were of the same identical flesh and blood, and of the same genetic makeup in all respects, and consequently they were to have equal powers, faculties, and rights. The Bible is completely right when it says that God could not have given Adam a greater gift than this one. All of creation pales in comparison.
I love the way John Sullivan, pastor of the Broadmoor Baptist Church in Shreveport, Louisiana put it. Speaking of his first date with his wife he said, "I used my best charm. Before long I got the courage to blurt out to her,`Let's go out tomorrow night.' She accepted right on the spot. It was my intent to kiss her on the first date but she said no. But friends, SHE COULD HARDLY WAIT FOR THE SECOND DATE TO ROLL AROUND." That is the way God intended for it to be. God did not create us to be alone.
Thus we have the extreme desirability of a happy and healthy marriage relationship. On the other hand, we have the harsh reality that it is never easy for two people to cohabit the same space. One of the men on the first expedition of Admiral Byrd to the South Pole told of the difficult circumstances of having a dozen men living together in exceedingly close quarters for the winter's night which lasted six months. They learned each other's idiosyncrasies. They learned how the other fellows tied their shoelaces, cleared their throats, or hummed an old tune. They learned to know each other so well that their close quarters drove them to the brink of despair and madness. In later years the bonds of friendship were lasting and fulfilling, but during the long months of living very close together the men were irritable and constantly exasperated with each other. (1) Admiral Byrd's men were irritated and exasperated after living with one another for six months. What if they had been together for thirty years?
How, then, do we resolve this tension between the desirability of the marriage relationship and the harsh reality that the merger of two lives is not an easy one. We do it by acknowledging the three big "Cs" of marriagecommitment, communication and cooperation.
Every person who reads the New Testament has to be impressed with the compassion and the generosity of Jesus. In stories of his encounters with persons such as the woman caught in the act of adultery, the woman at the well who had been married to five men and was now living with a sixth man out of wedlock, as well as his parables, such as that of the prodigal son, Jesus personified the very grace of God lived out in love, forgiveness and acceptance. Knowing that about him and recognizing that he was no blind moralist, it should weigh upon us even more heavily the seriousness with which he regarded the marriage relationship. Every vow was important to Jesus. Verses 33 through 37 of this fifth chapter of Matthew make his earnestness on this point painfully clear. You simply do not make vows that you do not intend to keep. That is true of vows to your spouse, your church, your country, or any other vows you may take. Verses 31 and 32 apply this earnestness to marriage. Jesus gives us no loophole for ending a marriage except that of infidelity. Marriage is serious business. It is not an adventure one enters into with the idea that if it does not work out, it can simply be terminated. Marriage is not for children. It is to be a lifelong commitment of two clearheaded adults who recognize that the benefits that one derives from marriage are directly proportional to the investment of time and emotional intensity brought to the relationship.
There was an Alan Alda movie a few years back entitled THE FOUR SEASONS. It is about three couples who have been friends for years and have always vacationed together. They followed this routine for twenty consecutive summers. Before the twentyfirst vacation, however, one of the couples divorces. The husband remarries and on the next vacation brings his new wife. This causes all kinds of discomfort. Finally the husband is confronted by a furious Carol Burnett, who plays one of the other wives. She tells him how disgusted she is with him over the divorce and finally says with fury, "Why didn't you just stay in there and fight it out like the rest of us?"
Marriage, of course, is intended to be more than simply staying in there and fighting it out. Some marriages are clearly destructive to the persons involved and we can never make light of that. Still, mature, committed adults do not run home to Mama at the first sign of tension. Marriage is part of God's plan not only for our enjoyment and pleasure but also for our maturation as fit persons for the Kingdom of God. Like strings on a violin, out of our tension can grow great harmony. The first step, however, is commitment to see it through.
A young couple filled out a marriage license. Beside a blank on the license was the word "Marriage." The prospective groom wrote the word, "First." The prospective bride wrote, "Last." One old pastor said the secret of a lasting marriage is the five bearsbear and forbear. Hang in there, be patient, see it through.
The second big "C" after commitment in terms of having happy marriages is that of communication. The story is told about a young country fellow who was walking with his girl on a moonlit night. He was overcome with the romance of the moment and he blurted out, "Honey, I love you so much. Will you marry me?" She did not hesitate. "Of course, I will marry you," she said joyfully. They walked along for a little while longer in silence and she said, "Dearest, why don't you say something?" He looked at the ground and said, "I think I've said too much as it is."
Louis Evely, a French priest, has said, "Some women become widows on their wedding day." He did not mean widows in a literal sense, of course. The biggest complaint that women have about their husbands is in the area of communication. The Dallas Morning News (May 28, 1978) quoted Dr. Roy Rhodes as saying: "The average couple married ten years or more spends only 37 minutes a week in close communication." One husband confessed, "My wife says that I don't listen to her. At least, I think that is what she said."
The greatest fear many men have, according to psychologists, is that of appearing vulnerable. That is why a man will drive a hundred miles off course rather than stopping and asking directions. Most men have difficulty in verbalizing their emotions. One little boy was cautioned that "big boys don't cry." Later when he was observed taking a bad spill, he did not shed a tear. "I've learned," he explained, "to cry in my brain." How sad that is. The ability to communicate about our deepest feelings would save many marriages and enrich many more.
The third big "C" after commitment and communication is cooperation. It is interesting in Genesis 2: 18 that God says, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him." (RSV) Notice God does not say a servant, a slave, a pet. The Living Bible translates these words like this: "a companion for him, a helper suited for his needs." Where did we ever get the Edith Bunker model for a wife in the first place? Certainly it did not come from the Bible. We were created to help one another. A husband and wife should, first of all, be best friends.
There is an old rabbinic parable about a king who once assigned a blind man and a crippled man to guard his fruit. The crippled man said to the blind man, "What lovely fruit. If only I could have some." The blind man said, "I cannot find it, but if you will get on my back and lead me, we can both share in the fruit." The king returned and saw his fruit gone. "Where is all my fruit?" he asked. "How can we say?" the two guards answered. "One of us is blind and cannot see it, and the other is crippled and cannot reach it."
The truth of the matter is that all of us have areas in our lives in which we are blind. All of us have areas in which we are crippled. One of God's ways in helping us deal with our inadequacies is to give us a companion, a helper suited for our needs. We draw on one another's strengths and comfort one another's weaknesses.
The three big "Cs" of marriagecommitment, communication, and cooperation. We could certainly add two others that even loom larger but need no further explanation: constancy and Christlikeness. The merger of two personalities is never an easy enterprise. And we need to add that many persons are able to live very satisfying lives without finding a life's companion. Still, for most of us marriage can be the most satisfying experience of life if we remember these big "Cs."
No one put it better than Clarence Day did in his book LIFE WITH FATHER. In a scene from the movie based on the book, wife Vinnie is trying to cope with the Father at the breakfast table, breaking the news as gently as she knows how that the rector is coming to tea that afternoon. Father harrumphs, "I'm glad you warned me. I'll go to the club." "I do wish," sighs Vinnie, "you'd take a little more interest in the church." "Vinnie," counters Father, "getting me into heaven's your job. Everybody
loves you so muchI'm sure God must, too." "I'll do my best," she promises. "It wouldn't be heaven without you." That's when Father delivers one of the most beautiful lines found in any motion picture ever made. "If you're in heaven, Vinnie," he promises, "I'll manage to get in some way, even if I have to climb the fence!" (2) Many of us are fortunate to know about that kind of love. Commitment, communication, cooperation, constancy and Christlikenessthose are the keys.
1. Leslie Parrott, EASY TO LIVE WITH, cited in Robert Schuller, POWER IDEAS FOR A HAPPY FAMILY (Charlotte, N.C.: Commission Press, 1972).
2. Bennett Cerf, STORIES TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD (New York: Random House).