The Pharisees came up "to trap Jesus" and they asked him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?" Jesus in response asked them what Moses had taught, and they replied correctly that Moses had said a man could simply give his wife a certificate of divorce and that was all there was to it. (Deuteronomy 24:1-4, was designed originally to protect the wife and guarantee her a certain amount of freedom.) Jesus was between a "rock and a hard place." If he answered "yes" to the question he would be promoting marital irresponsibility, and if he answered "no" to the question he would be disagreeing with Moses, the greatest patriarch of Israel.

However, Jesus would not permit the question to be turned into a contest between himself and Moses. So he set the question in the context of God's purpose. God's act should not be mollified by people's action, even if it is legal. We are all familiar with the "rule book syndrome." On the Little League field, adults attempt and get away with as much as possible by quoting and spouting the rule book "on in through the night." Marriage, Jesus said, had been established by God from the beginning of creation; and for this man was to leave father and mother and be joined to his wife. By the miracle of love, the two should become one. (Mark 10:6-8)

"What therefore God has joined together, let no one put asunder." (Mark 10:9)

Taking this thought one step further, Paul says that marriage is a matter of mutual respect!

The consideration of Ephesians 5:21-31 will sensitize us to the notion that Paul was not about to play into the hands of the Pharisaic trap of Mark 10. Ephesians 5 is part of what is called a "household code" during the time of Jesus. Typically these so-called "household codes" spelled out the rights and obligations of husbands and wives, parents and children, and masters and slaves. "Household codes" were very common kinds of writings in the Roman Empire of Jesus' time. Hence, there is nothing uniquely Christian about this practice or instruction that wives should be submissive to their husbands. Simply everyone in the Jewish or Greco-Roman world, of the time of Jesus, would have agreed and insisted upon it! The point is that we who express ourselves in different ways ought not to blame the writer of Ephesians for repeating what was a common and general assumption of his time and day.

To illustrate, allow me to turn the tables! Suppose I explained to Paul that, "after church I need to hurry up and go to work at the office." Paul would probably respond, "Work on the Sabbath! Unheard of! How uncivilized!" Just as people during Jesus' day would not understand why most of our stores and shops are open on our Sabbath, we in turn, in our time today, have a difficult time understanding how the writer of Ephesians could possibly say, "Wives must totally submit themselves to their husbands."

As a new "follower of the way," Paul has done something extremely new! He has taken the cultural assumption of his day, "so is a husband the head of his wife; and as the church submits to Christ, so should wives to their husbands, in everything," and given it a new twist.

We must continue on and read more. "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." (5:21) "Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the church and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy." (5:25)

In a world where husbands by law and custom had absolute power over their wives these words were revolutionary! In Jesus' time, Hebrew culture held that wives were mere chattel, property that was owned. A wife could be given a writ of divorce for simply burning the dinner or not being pretty enough. Thus, the good news of the gospel intrudes upon the conventional proper posture of Jesus' day.

Recall Philemon who was a prominent Christian and owner of a slave named Onesimus. This slave had run away from his master, and then had come in contact with Paul, who was then in prison. Through Paul, Onesimus the slave became a Christian. Paul's letter to Philemon is an appeal to Philemon to be reconciled to his slave, whom Paul is sending back to him, and to welcome him not only as a forgiven slave but as a Christian brother. Paul refers to Philemon as "[your] brother in Christ," (Philemon 1:8) and then speaks of Onesimus, "who is my own son in Christ." (Philemon 1:10) Since Philemon is a brother to Paul and Onesimus is a son to Paul, Philemon doesn't have a choice but to take his slave back graciously with loving open arms. In other words, we can pick our friends but we can't choose our relatives as Christians. We have no other choice but to treat another with love and respect and integrity. This is why the writer of Ephesians boldly asserts, "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ," despite the norms and order of the day!

These words are not the usual words we are used to hearing when two people work at living their lives together in marriage. The market economy talks in terms of freedom, while the planned economy talks in terms of equality. The gospel writers, however, do not speak in terms of these categories of freedom and equality. They instead constantly speak in terms of relationships; mutual respect and love toward one another.

One text calls husbands and wives to defer to one another and love one another out of "reverence for Christ!" The Hebrew morning prayer went something like this: "I thank you Lord that I am not a slave, that I am not a Gentile, and that I am not a woman." Once again, we see Paul deferring to Christ in Galatians 3: "So there is no difference between Jews and Gentiles, between slaves and free men, between men and women; you are all one in union with Christ Jesus."

Thus we are called, by God, to follow his instructions regarding marital commitment. Overhear a conversation then, if you have ears: A kindergarten teacher friend of mine told me something very profound about the meaning of Jesus' words, "I assure you that whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will never enter it."

She told me that her little five-year-old children come to kindergarten in September totally unfocused and undisciplined. They come not really able to receive anything because their listening skills and their ability to follow directions are as yet undeveloped and untrained. They lack proper self-discipline.

My friend gave me one example, of many she could have given me, of how the young students' listening skills and the discipline of following directions are developed in the life of a little five-year-old kindergarten student.

My friend explained that during daily snack time all of the students get a little carton of milk with a straw. At the beginning of the year she asks her students to listen and follow directions very carefully.

My teacher friend then says to her students, "Now boys and girls, please watch me and do exactly what I tell you to do. First of all, open your milk carton like this (she shows the students how to open milk carton). Now, take the paper wrapper off of your straw (she takes paper wrapper off her straw). Now put the straw into your carton of milk just like I am doing. Now, boys and girls, this is very important. Close the opening in the milk carton back around your straw so that if you accidentally spill your milk you will not lose very much on the table."

My teacher friend goes over these instructions several times with her children to make absolutely sure that everyone understands exactly what they are supposed to do. And she tells me that there are major milk spills until about Thanksgiving time. Milk spills because the children have listening and discipline lapses. They are, after all, only children.

Hence, Jesus does not mean childlike literally. What Jesus means is that if a leader or teacher has your best interest and welfare in mind; that is, if a leader is purely benign, like Jesus, one should follow that leader or teacher literally. One should listen to and follow the directions of that benign leader or teacher, exactly.

There is a warning here also. It would logically follow that one should not follow or listen to a supposed leader or teacher who is out to dictate and dominate in a manipulative fashion.

So when Jesus said to his followers, "You have to be like these children if you want to be nourished by the kingdom," he was saying something like "If you want to be nourished by your milk snack, by not spilling and losing your milk, you're going to have to surrender your own judgment long enough to let someone, who is totally benign, teach you the basics." And the same holds true with marriage. If you are to learn about the commitment of marriage, you're going to have to surrender your own judgment long enough to let our Lord teach you the basics.

Genuine love is being committed to each other no matter how we might feel about one another at the moment. There are those days when I don't like my wife, and there are many more days when she doesn't like me! Because of something one of us did. But regardless of how we feel emotionally toward each other, we are committed, through Christ's love, to love one another unconditionally. To act lovingly toward each other even when we do not like each other. There are times in the family when there is illness, when there has been death, or when spouses have been working long hours apart from one another, when that "romantic feeling" of love disappears. But then there are those moments when spouses do spend time together, vacations, holidays, going out to dinner together, getting away for a weekend alone or spending a quiet day off together, when that "romantic feeling" of love returns once again. Real marital love is being committed, investing in the marital relationship, knowing that the romantic feeling of love will always return. Unfortunately, many married couples invest time and money in everything but their most valuable possession. Our marriage. Our life together. The most valuable gift we can give to our children is a loving and stable marriage. Marriage deserves this kind of commitment. Marriage needs the commitment of love to hold it together.