There is only one way to sell a vacuum cleaner turn it on and use it.
There is only one way to evangelize turn on your faith and use it!
Jesus used a variety of methods sometimes strange, sometimes plain, sometimes controversial to bring wholeness and wellness into people's lives. Jesus tailored his healing techniques to the needs of the person or community, but there was one unchangeable and unshakable foundation around which everything else revolved: He was what he said he was. He turned on his life to God's Spirit working through him.
Unless we ourselves are "turned on" to the transforming power of the Spirit, we can't be good instruments for redemption and reconciliation. This sermon idea is designed to portray the essence of evangelism in as pointed and as graphic a fashion as Jesus' "spit method." The essence of evangelism is this: a life that is "turned on" to the power of the gospel, a life that is so "turned over" to the Word that the Word becomes flesh in us. Anything less than this becomes fake and phony.
We are suggesting that your sermon include a drama titled "How to Sell a Vacuum Cleaner" (Global Impact, copyright 1997). I first saw this done by the ministry team at The Church on Brady, in Los Angeles. The authors are Randall and Arine Glass and Scott Reynolds.
Those of you who used the Gavin Bryars compact disc at Christmas know how powerful the integration of media into preaching and worship can be. Those of you who haven't begun yet to experiment with postmodern forms of communication may find the mix of drama and preaching one oddness too many.
If so, you can simply tell the sketch as a story, and get your listeners to imagine the drama in their minds. But we do encourage you to pass through that lump-in-the-pit-of-the-stomach feeling and combine the drama with your sermon. Gather some members of your church who are actors or are willing to try acting.
To be sure, preaching itself is in some measure "drama." But sometimes, drama or sketching out a scene can do more to "preach" a text than anything else imaginable.
The one thing you must be sure not to do is to present the drama by itself. It is not intended to be a stand-alone presentation, and if you stage it without some sermonic commentary, you will likely confuse people. Think of the sketch as an "infomercial parable about evangelism" and your sermon as the "voice-over" that goes with it.
In that regard, there are two ways you can mesh the drama with your preaching. The first is to run the entire sketch and then follow it with your sermon, in which you comment on what was wrong with each of the first three attempts to "sell a vacuum cleaner" and why the last one was a better example.
The second way, which is the one we prefer, is to preach a brief introduction and then comment briefly after each of the four scenes of the sketch. But either way, the drama will add to the impact of your words.
(We have arranged for you to have full performance rights to present this sketch in your own church. You are also free to make as many photocopies of this script as you need to stage the sketch within your parish.)
The basic question posed by the Markan text this morning is this: What are you doing to embody the healing grace of God to this fallen and falling world? Are you making a difference for God in this community where you reside, in this office where you work, in this family where you live, etc.? How best do disciples of Jesus lift up Christ to this world?
How to Sell a Vacuum Cleaner
Scene 1 - The Pitch
Narrator: So you're tired, eh? Your life has been nothing but an unending series of flops, failures and faux pas? All you do is repeat the same mistakes and say to yourself, "Self, one of these days, you've got to get organized"? Well, it appears that you are ready to begin again.
So welcome to this year's vacuum cleaner salespersons' convention. Your mission is to knock out those bad selling habits and learn how to sell like you've never sold before. But before you ever learn how to sell a vacuum cleaner, we must first return to the nightmare and watch "How Not to Sell a Vacuum Cleaner, Part I."
A salesperson walks up to a housewife with a vacuum cleaner, the self-proclaimed "Super-Suckomatic 2000." He knocks on an imaginary door. She turns, opens it. He has a pamphlet in his hand, which he concentrates on.
Housewife: Oh, uh, hello. (he reads with great concentration ... slowly)
Salesperson: Good morning or afternoon or evening. I am ______state your name here. Extend hand. (he extends hand) Shake. (his whole body shakes) Smile. (he gives a humongo grin)
Housewife: Excuse me, are you a vacuum salesman? Leave.
Salesperson: (he cuts her off abruptly with a "wait-a-minute" gesture; he continues to read) I can see that you have wonderful carpeting. I bet that it is hard (she interrupts)
Housewife: Excuse me, I have wood floors, so (he once again gives the abrupt "wait-a-minute" gesture, in her face)
Salesperson: Let's see, where was I before you rudely interrupted me? ... it is hard to clean, but you can count your lucky stars because, boy, do I have a deal for you. This amazing little piece of machinery is the Super Suckomatic Deluxe 2000. Point to vacuum cleaner, (he points) and, boy, does this vacuum suck. It will clean –
Housewife: (fed up) Ummm, I have to go now (she starts to leave; he pays no attention; he reads on)
Salesperson: Anything you want, keeping your carpets fresh and new. But wait, there's more –
Housewife: Okay, bye, bye. I'm really leaving. (she backs out and offstage)
Salesperson: (he pays no notice, still reading) If you buy today, we will give you a special gift, free. Yes, that's right, free. (he looks up; she is gone; he looks about, bewildered; looks at the vacuum cleaner)
Salesperson: Not again. Oh, man ... they said it would sell itself. (he walks off, discouraged; vacuum stays center stage)
Scene 2 The Thing
Narrator: We now turn to "How Not to Sell a Vacuum Cleaner, Part II."
A woman stands next to the vacuum cleaner. She is a bit nervous as she stands near it. Then a friend walks up.
Steve: Hey, what's up? How are ya?
Shirley: (she is startled and leaps in front of the vacuum to block his view of it) Uh, fine ... yeah ... great, fine.
Steve: (he notices her "blocking") Hey, that's cool. How's English LIT 212 treating ya?
Shirley: (still blocking) English 212? Well, it's, um, you know –
Steve: Watcha got there?
Shirley: (she blocks as he swirls, bobs and weaves to see what she has) Oh, nothing, why?
Steve: Oh, man, that's a vacuum cleaner, ain't it?
Shirley: This, uh ... no. No! It's a, um, my new dog. (she holds the handle like a leash and barks while saying) Sit, Fido! Sit! (it does) Good boy!
Steve: You are one crazy woman. It's cool. I know it's a vacuum cleaner. Oh, man, I get it, you're a vacuum cleaner salesman.
Shirley: No. No, I'm not. (she gets a bit crazier) It's, uh, it's step aerobics. (she starts to step on the bottom part, pumping her arms, breathing loudly, counting out)
Steve: All right, all right, I don't know what you are doing, but this is perfect 'cause I NEED a vacuum cleaner and you can sell me one. How much?
Shirley: No, I'm sorry, this isn't a vacuum cleaner, it's (she kneels, holds the handle like a microphone) It's a karaoke machine for the vertically challenged. (sings in falsetto, "It's a small world after all," till he leaves)
Steve: Well, since you've obviously gone insane, I'll be going. Goodbye.
Shirley: (she stops singing, stands and looks at the vacuum) Rats. They said this thing would sell itself. (she kicks it; injures her foot) Owww. (limps off, leaving the vacuum center stage)
Scene 3 The Demo
Narrator: The nightmare is not over. We delve deeper into the pit with "How Not to Sell a Vacuum Cleaner, Part III."
(For the "Demo" portion of the drama, get a large piece of plastic and lay it out on the carpet, on top of which you can put a piece of throwaway carpet. This way you can make a mess on the "carpet," but when the drama is done, all you need to do is pick up the four ends of the plastic, carry out the mess, and no mess is made on your real carpet.)
An outgoing, motivated, pushy saleswoman barrels up to the vacuum with a large bag in her arms. She knocks on an imaginary door. A timid, meek man opens.
Saleswoman: Hello, sir. Isn't it a beautiful day outside? You betcha it is. You look like you need some amazement. Are you ready to be amazed?
Man: Ummm –
Saleswoman: I knew you were. Here. (she thrusts the bag into his arms) Hold that. (she steps inside the "house") Oh, my goodness, would you look at that carpet? That is a stunning carpet. Is it new?
Man: Yes, umm –
Saleswoman: And I bet that you would love to keep it that way. Well, today is your lucky day because I have here the Super Suckomatic 2000, the best vacuum cleaner in the world. And I guarantee that it will keep your carpet just as brilliant as it is today. Ooh, I can tell that you don't believe me, so how about if I give you a little demonstration?
Man: Oh, no, that's –
Saleswoman: Great! Now just suppose that it is just a typical Sunday, and you, being a man, are sitting on the couch with a large (she pulls a hoagie sandwich out of the bag he is holding) sandwich, just a juggling on your stomach, watching TV. When all of a sudden, your favorite baseball team hits a field goal! Touchdown! (she throws the sandwich down on the ground like a football) But you, being a man, don't even think about picking it up and you dance and stomp all over it. While you are dancing, you accidentally knock over (she pulls out a can of root beer, shakes it and opens it on the floor) your can of root beer!
Saleswoman: Now this is an incredible mess; I mean look at your beautiful carpet. It's not so beautiful anymore, eh?
Man: No, you'd –
Saleswoman: Well, what is the most vile, disgusting, hard-to-clean substance that you can think of?
Man: I don't want to –
Saleswoman: Here. (she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a bottle of motor oil) How about this? (she starts to pour it on the carpet)
Man: Oh, no you don't; you're leaving right now! Let's go. (he grabs her arm and escorts her directly off the stage; the vacuum stands alone)
Scene 4 How to Really Sell a Vacuum Cleaner
Narrator: The nightmare is over. Now learn "How to Really Sell a Vacuum Cleaner."
A person walks out to '50s game-show type music. He waves. He swings the cord round and round. Plugs it in. Acts like he gets electrocuted, but then shows that he was just joking. Then he vacuums. He vacuums a bit more. Bows and leaves.