Life is full of instances when people, for lack of better wording, "rub each other the wrong way." Members of families have conflicts and spats. Neighbors clash over their actions. People who have been friends for years suddenly fall out over an occurrence in which they felt "wronged" by the other. Unfortunately, many of these people walk through life carrying a grudge. Something that has happened long ago, something perhaps small and insignificant when it occurred, remains a chip on their shoulder. They will carry that chip a long time, never once asking to restore what at one time had been a beautiful relationship with another human being.

Now, I am sure that if we asked these people if they could forgive the actions of their families, neighbors, or friends, they would reply "of course." In many of the cases, the people have considered themselves to have "forgiven" the other. Yet the fact remains that they have not forgotten the incident which precipitated the estrangement.

As I glance through the window of life, I become more and more convinced that the truly stable people are those who are able to forget the unpleasant experiences caused by others. In a very real way, to forgive is to forget.

Over five years ago, I had a most unpleasant conflict with an individual who had been a close friend of mine. I am not certain as to which one of us was at fault. The incident had strained our relationship. Shortly after the conflict we both moved to different parts of the country. Several months ago I encountered this person at an athletic contest. You can imagine my surprise when he ran up to me, embraced me, and asked me out to dinner. As we talked over a delicious meal, it became apparent to me that he had actually forgotten the personal conflict we had had. His mind had actually blotted it out. I had to recall for him the external circumstances surrounding our conflict. As we continued our discussion, he related to me that he had struggled to put the event out of his mind and quit thinking about it in the months immediately following it. Then, as he kept fighting the images as they would appear, his mind lost consciousness of it. After a year he had totally forgotten it. Although we never put it into words, our relationship was restored by this man’s tremendous ability to forget.

It is amazing how lives can be changed for the better when people are willing to forget the harm they think others have done them. I have seen families healed by understanding the principle that to forgive is to forget. On the other hand, I have seen a lot of love go down the drain due to remembrance of a single incident.

Mark Twain once remarked, "We should be careful to get out of an experience all of the wisdom that is in it - not like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again - and that is well: but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore!"

I have seen people so burned by an experience that they wrote off the other party completely. To be sure, they were never hurt by those people again. But they did not again experience the love of those other people either. The cost, in terms of lost happiness, of not getting hurt again, was too much to pay.

The need to forget and forgive is for me an adequate explanation of the most puzzling event in the Bible. I can more easily comprehend the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ than I can the wanderings in the desert of the Children of Israel. Why was it necessary for the Israelites to stumble around in the desert for forty years following their release from slavery? God delivered them from the power of the Egyptians. Why did he not immediately give them entrance into Canaan? As we review the situation, a possible answer unfolds before us. The children of Israel harbored many unpleasant memories regarding foreign people. In addition, as we read the early books of the Old Testament, we see that family grudges and unneighborly attitudes helped keep the Israelites in slavery. Moses inherited a lot of friends, families, and neighbors who had fallen out with each other, who were remembering how their fellows had "wronged" them. It took even God and Moses forty years to turn the children of Israel from pouting, angry, jealous people into a family. It took the Israelites forty years to forgive and forget. God knew that lonely people cannot be happy even in a land flowing with "milk and honey."

If there is a crying need in our world today it is the need to overcome loneliness. Several years ago John Lennon and Paul McCartney sang a song entitled "Eleanor Rigby." The song, which places emphasis on all the lonely people in life, contains these words: "Eleanor Rigby hides her face in a jar by the door." Such hiding of one’s life is, unfortunately, one of the main methods by which people shield themselves from the hurt and disappointment in human relationships.

Yes, much of the loneliness we experience in life, we bring upon ourselves. Much of our loneliness is due to our inability to forgive and forget. The children of Israel had the promised land before them, yet it took them forty years to become good neighbors and thus a family.

That inability to forget unpleasantness can profoundly change a person for the better has long been recognized. Physicians have long recognized the potency of placebos. Placebos are often merely tablets of sugar. They are given to patients as powerful pain relievers. The results are often fantastic. Ever since physicians adopted them, placebos have helped patients feel better. Regardless of usage, placebos achieve an effect in about thirty-five percent of the cases. The word "placebo" comes from the Latin "I shall please." It was used in the 15th century to mean "flattery" and later for "courtesy designed to please." Part of the positive effect of a placebo lies in the fact that while a patient is taking one he puts out of his mind the unpleasantness of his feelings. His mind blocks out the imagined and lingering ailments and gains a fresh start. By getting people to quit focusing on their ills and concentrate on their recovery, the placebo achieves a great deal of good.

Part and parcel of the teachings of Christ was a focusing on one’s recovery as a good neighbor. The word forgiveness as expressed in biblical Hebrew and the New Testament Greek is the verb "to send away." To send something away from the mind is to forget it. This is used in both God’s forgiveness of sin and man’s forgiveness of his neighbor’s offenses.

The primary mode of the Old Testament is that God forgives. Jesus made especially prominent man’s forgiveness of his neighbor. When Jesus was baptized by John the Baptizer and began his teaching, he broke away from the old rabbinic and prophetic traditions. Jesus repeatedly asserted that a man cannot be forgiven if he will not forgive others. In fact, one of the distinctive elements in Jesus’ teaching was this stress on forgiveness of the brother. This finds expression in the Lord’s Prayer and even in Jesus’ prayer of forgiveness from the cross. The common man or woman shares the power of God in being able to forgive others.

So often we emphasize being saved as coming solely from the grace of God after our own confession. Yet Jesus continually stressed the fact that a man who cannot forgive his brother is not saved.

One day the great Apostle Peter was finding it hard to live among a certain group of people. He ran up to Jesus and asked if seven times was enough to forgive his brother who sins. Jesus answered, "Not seven times but seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22)." The essence of Jesus’ statement is that forgiveness is beyond calculating.

Jesus went on to tell Peter a parable about the Kindgom of Heaven. The Kingdom of Heaven is a place for people who have the ability to forgive and forget. According to the parable (Matthew 18:23-35) a man owed the king 10,000 talents, roughly $1,000. He went in to the king, fell on his knees, and begged the king to have patience with him. Out of pity the king forgave the man and told him that he would forget about the debt. This same man departed the king’s chamber and went out into the street. There he came upon one of his own servants who owed him roughly $20.00, seized him by the throat and told him to pay what he owed him. When the debtor asked for him to be patient, the man threw him into prison. Well, the king found out about this transaction and threw his wicked servant in jail and released the other man. Jesus summed up his parable by saying this is exactly what the King of kings will do to us if we do not forgive our neighbors.

Life is full of instances when people "rub us the wrong way." Now most of us, I am certain, do not have forty years to stumble around in loneliness waiting for some miraculous event to restore our relationships with friends and loved ones. We had best forgive and forget.

Whatever other responsibilities we may have in life, our own life is primary.

I do not know what grudges prevent you from accepting love from others you need. Yet my knowledge of these is not important. What is important is that you learn to forget unpleasant experiences. I guarantee you that your life will be changed for the better. It might even be saved. Forgiving is forgetting. Amen, Lord!