Almost everything began in the Garden of Eden. As Adam and Eve were leaving that paradise, driven from it because of their disobedience, Adam’s assessment of the situation was, honey, we live in a time of change. Prior to that, non-scriptural tradition has it that as Eve was coaxing Adam to eat of the apple, she asked, “Adam, do you love me?” His response was, “Who else?” The rest of you’ll get that in a minute. That was the beginning – the beginning of male-female relationships, the beginning of marriage and the beginning of family. The old marriage service is dusty and travel weary. The pages are thumb worn and there are some folks in our society who are convinced that it’s something out of grandma’s attic and needs to be put back there where it belongs. And yet in the traditional wedding service, for more than 400 years, the church has been asking the same, most profound questions that can be asked of any two human beings.

Kim and I have been working on her wedding ceremony. She’s our first child and the first to be married, so you know how excited we are at our house. That blessed event will take place here in the church at 4:00 on the afternoon of June 18, and we invite all of you to share in our joy on that occasion. As Kim and I have been working on the ceremony, Kim had the idea that she wanted to make a contribution to it and she has – in a beautiful and meaningful way, writing some of the liturgy and planning the entire service of worship. But when it came to the vows, thinking that as she approached them, she might make them more modern and up-to-date. She discovered that she couldn’t improve on what is there. It’s so profound. So to the point of what Christian marriage is all about. Do you remember those questions? Will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? To live together in the holiest state of matrimony? Will you love her? Comfort her? Honor and keep her in sickness and in health? And forsaking all others, keep you only unto her? So long as you both shall live. And the only thing more mysterious than those particular questions are the specific vows the church invites the couple to make to each other. I, John, take thee Kim to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as life shall last.

In the mystery and the absurdity of those questions and those vows lie the uniqueness of Christian marriage. There are those who believe that marriages are made in heaven. Now if you had been involved in as much marital counseling as I have, you would have grave doubts about that. There are those who say of a seemingly beautiful, happy, romantic relationship, that marriage was made in heaven. Now I don’t debate that issue. I believe in the guiding providence of God, and would have no hesitation, in fact, would say with great conviction and joy, that marriage to Jeri was an act of God’s prevenient grace in my life – his loving, guiding providence. Because nothing that I have done, no decision that I’ve made, apart from my decision to follow Christ and be his minister has had the kind of meaning that my relationship with Jeri has had, and I’m certain of it - it’s a part of the providential, prevenient caring of God. But that’s not the issue. The issue is captured in the sermon title.

Even marriages made in heaven demand earthly care. So on this Mother’s Day, let’s look together at marriage, especially at what I call married love. Did you hear the story of the teacher who asked her third graders to draw pictures of what they wanted to be when they grew up? The children depicted firemen, and doctors, and actresses, and nurses. You know, their usual choices. But one girl handed in a blank sheet of paper. “Don’t you know what you want to be when you grow up,” the teacher asked. “Well yes,” the girl said rather hesitantly, “I want to be married, but I don’t know how to draw it.” That’s a hint of our problem isn’t it? We want to be married, fully married, but we don’t know how to draw it. We don’t know what married love looks like. So I want to share with you what it looks like to me. What I believe it looks like from the perspective of Christ and his church.

I. Married Love Looks Like Intention.

What I believe is at the heart of Christian marriage. Marriages that may be made in heaven, but require a lot of earthly care. First, married love looks like decision. Married love looks like decision. Marriage is more than feeling. It’s intention. Someone described a wife as the person who sticks around through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had had you not married her. Now that’s unfair, of course. But nail this down. Married love looks like decision. What about feeling, you ask? I’m saying that love is more, far, far more than feeling. It involves intention. You may protest that love is, well, love is. If you love somebody you know it and you don’t have to take your love apart to see what makes it tick. Now there’s truth in that decent, but not much truth. The spontaneous love that we feel at the time we marry, which has a lot to do with physical attraction and sexual passion, may lose some of its zest. Our feelings may become numb, even confused. And our concept of marriage may become vague, even distorted. Then, deep down in that mysterious abyss of ourselves, we begin to doubt – am I in love? Was I ever in love? Those are the wrong kinds of questions to ask. It’s not a matter of being in love, it’s a matter of deciding to love. I keep seeing that bumper sticker which says “if it feels good, do it.” That’s the philosophy which has damned us and brought us to a society that is becoming more promiscuous and debauched every day. In marriage, we don’t pledge to love as long as we feel good, as long as there is physical attraction and romantic response. We pledge to love for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. This vow wisely recognizes that feelings fluctuate. It also insists that we bring these fluctuations of feeling into the safe harbor of a love decision. The initial question in the wedding ceremony is “will you take this woman,” “will you take this man” to be your wedded wife to be your wedded husband. That, my friends, is the decision. In that act, we are saying, I choose this person. And there’s nothing inherently unique about it. It is the essence of all marriage. The unique thing is that the church dares to ask, will you choose this man and this woman, and will you allow this decision to be an exclusive one, an exclusive one, which cancels out all other alternatives. Will you take this man or this woman as along as life shall last? Will you decide and keep on deciding to love him or her?

You remember what Jesus said in our first scripture lesson today, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one. So they’re no longer two, but one. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder. That’s what married love looks like. It looks like decision. And even marriages made in heaven require that sort of earthly care.

II. Married Love Looks Like Commitment.

Then the second thing is this – married love looks like commitment. Married love looks like commitment. Decision gets marriage headed toward life. Commitment provides the necessary power for getting there. And we need to understand the nature of this commitment. The commitment is not to marriage as an institution. Now I want you to hear this. Commitment is not to marriage as an institution alone, it’s basically a commitment to our mate in marriage. Institutions are not sacred, persons are. Even marriages made in heaven require the earthly care of commitment. Let me make a confession. For about the first eight years of our marriage, I was committed to the institution of marriage. I’m sorry to say that my commitment to the institution overshadowed my commitment to Jeri as a person. My fear during those early years of our marriage was that we might drop a clue that ours wasn’t a flawless marriage, and what would people think of their preacher? That placed added strain on the relationship. First, we had to try to make our marriage flawless. Then that failing, we had to pretend that it was flawless. And this was a terrible price to pay. Through a process and some experiences that I don’t have time to share, I became fully aware of my folly, I began to suffer guilt because I was more committed to the institution of marriage than to my mate in marriage. I really realized that I was seeing Jeri as a reflection or as an extension of myself. I was the minister, she was the minister’s wife. I was the husband, she was the husband’s wife. We related role to role, not person to person – and that’s always a mistake, whether it’s a minister talking or a lawyer or a doctor or a mechanic or a clerk. Now this was not unique with me, I see it all that time, and I call on you this morning to look at your marriage. Are you relating to the person or are stereotyped roles the big thing? Our commitment is to the person, not the institution. And even marriages made in heaven require a lot of earthly care.

Let’s go to our scripture lesson from Ephesians to get some insight as to the nature of this commitment to person rather than to institution. Now I’m afraid that a lot of what is going on and the renewed emphasis on the submission of wives to their husbands is an extreme expression of institutional commitment, not the valuing and loving of persons, and the commitment that flows out of that. The whole of Ephesians 5:22-6:9 is the great teaching of Paul about all sorts of relationships in Christ. In our lesson today, chapter 5 verses 21-33, there is the model of Christian marriage. Two verses must be held together. Verse 22 – wives be subject to your husbands as to the Lord. And verse 25 – husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. And those two verses, which specifically instruct the relationship of marriage, must be examined in the context of Paul’s distinctive call to all Christians – in all relationships. And that’s there in verse 21 – everyone is to be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Now this is a general principle by which all Christians are to be guided. We are commanded, not just women, but all persons – men and women and children, masters and slaves – to live a life of submission. Not because of our station in life, but because Jesus lived a life of submission and showed us that that’s the only way to find life.

I want you to really hear this, it is a central Christian teaching. And it’s almost impossible for us to understand the radical nature of it, because we’re so far removed from the world of Paul’s day and our understanding of it. In that day, and it persists in some cultures even now, persons were born and bound into a certain station in life, certain position. The Greeks held that that’s the way the Gods created things, and persons had no choice. The cast system in India is a typical example of it. This was especially true of women – women were seen as chattel, things to be used at whim and fancy, without rights. Women were seen as little more than slaves. Those to whom the first century culture afforded no choice such as slaves and women, were addressed by Paul as free. Free in Christ. They could decide. And this was revolutionary. Why would Paul call wives and children and slaves to be submissive, that was already their life, according to their station. But something happened. The gospel had freed them from a subordinate station in society, and second and third and fourth class citizenship was challenged by the gospel, and those condemned to those classes knew it.

Paul then is not calling for submission on the basis of the way things are, that is the stations in which the gods had ordered matters, but rather, but rather, Paul is talking about something that has it roots in Jesus Christ and the gospel that he brought. All customs of super-ordinate and subordinate were completely ignored. Everyone, everyone was to count others better than themselves, and be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Now, wives were to be subject to their husbands, not because that was a part of the natural order, but because submission is the style of the Christian. And when wives are up and others begin to live in that fashion, the status quo was deprived of its divine sanction and its inherent rightness and permanence, and a revolution of mutual respect and affirmation and service begin. So with Paul’s admonition to wives, we must place his word to husband. And when we do that, we come out with the fact that there are no high and low positions in Christian marriage and in the home, or in the entire Christian community. A new order has been born, in which all participants regard themselves as servants of one master – Jesus Christ. And give themselves in mutual service to another because of him. That’s commitment, and that’s what married love looks like.

Even marriages made in heaven require that kind of earthly care. Wives who love their husbands to the point of submission. Husbands who love their wives as much as Christ loved the church, even to the point that we’re willing to lay down lives for their sake. And in neither instance, should there be any reservation. And that word, wives be submissive to your husbands, should not fall heavily on the ears of you women. And that word, men love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, should not fall heavily on ear. That’s the Christian style. That’s what it’s all about. So let me close with a story. A surgeon shared an experience which provides a powerful hint of the earthly care even marriages made in heaven need. I share it in his first person words. The surgeon speaks – “I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face post-operative, her mouth twisted in palsy, almost clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be thus from now on. I, the surgeon, followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh, I promise you that, nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut that little nerve. Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamp light, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself. He and his wife, with this wry ugly mouth I have made, who gaze and touch each other with generous love? The young woman speaks, ‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It’s because the nerve is cut.’ She nods sadly and is silent. But the young husband smiles, ‘I like it,’ he said. ‘I think it’s kinda cute.’ All at once, I know who he is, and how much he loves her, and I lower my gaze. Unmindful of me, the husband bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I’m so close that I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate the twisted ones of his wife, to show her that their kiss still works.”

That’s it. Decision and commitment in one act. The earthly care, even marriages made in heaven require. According to the Apostle Paul, love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. In fact, Paul declares, love outlasts everything else. Love is promises made and promises kept. It is problems faced and settled. It is darkness waited through until the light comes again. Love is hope in action. It is faith in overalls. It is sentiment that becomes substance. Romance that becomes responsibility. It is loyalty to the causes of those we love. The commitment to be for them all we can be, and to do for them all we can do with God’s help. Love is fidelity over the long haul. It is picking up the pieces and starting over again. It is forgiving yesterday’s disappointments and embracing today with acceptance and new anticipation. It is going the first and second mile and often the third and fourth and fifth. Someone put it this way – love is what you’ve been through together. Have you gotten the point? Even marriages made in heaven require earthly care. In fact, wherever and however marriages are made, they are kept by decision and commitment, and the grace of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, who is not only the Lord of our personal lives, but the Lord of our relationships, especially our marriage relationships. You better learn it. Even marriages made in heaven, where you probably think yours was made, require a lot of earthly care.