True Stories
#1: He was one of my best friends in elementary school. We did just about everything together – rode bikes, played cops and robbers, had slumber parties, went to the movies. You name it, we did it. He had a younger brother and an older sister. They were all adopted and came from different biological families. They seemed to be happy with their adoptive parents. They lived in a nice home and attended a very good school in suburban Atlanta. They were provided for in every way.
One day one of the children could not keep the secret any longer. I don’t recall which child it was, but the truth came out. All three kids were being sexually abused at home. The things those kids were forced to do are unspeakable. I was in the fourth grade at the time and vividly remember my feeling of shock. It would take me years to process the horror that occurred to one of my best friends and his siblings.
#2: She must have canceled a half a dozen appointments before she finally came in. When she did come in, she had bruises all over her arms and cuts on her face. When asked what had happened, she said, “The same thing that has been happening to me in my marriage for the last 15 years—my husband beats me. I have been so afraid to tell anyone because of what he would do to me, but I just cannot take it anymore.” She was rare. Most battered spouses keep it a secret.
#3: Occasionally, his parents would bring him to Sunday School. He was very quiet. Kept to himself. To get him to participate teachers would often ask him easy questions. But he always had the same answer, “I don’t know.” One day one of his teachers took him aside and asked him why he did not want to participate. He said, “Because I am stupid.” She said, “No, you are not. Who told you that?” He replied, “My dad. He tells me I am the most stupid kid that was ever born.” She asked, “When does he say that?” He said, “All the time.”
America the Brutal
Welcome to “America the Brutal!” We have a big ugly elephant that lives in many homes and that is the elephant of abuse – sexual, physical, and verbal abuse. It happens in the homes of people that live in your neighborhood. The lawn may be perfectly manicured, the SUV’s in the driveway may be washed and waxed, and they may wave to you as you go to the grocery store. But behind that big front door lives one of the worst evils in our society—abuse. In fact, this evil lives in many of your homes today.
The statistics on abuse and domestic violence in our country are staggering. However, what is even more staggering is that it is generally felt that our statistics are incorrect because most cases of abuse are not reported. It is an elephant in the room that is largely ignored. But just to help you get a sense of how big this elephant is listen to the statistics we do have:
CDC reports that 15 million children are abused each year.
"More than 2 million cases of child abuse and neglect are reported each year in the United States. An estimated 150,000 to 200,000 new cases of sexual abuse occur each year."
One in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually abused before the age 18.
80 percent of violent juvenile and adult prisoners were raised in violent homes.
Each day in the U.S. more than 3 children die as a result of child abuse in the home.
- Child abuse is reported on average every 10 seconds.
- Approximately 3 MILLION child abuse reports are made each year.
- Only two-thirds of the reported cases were investigated.
85-95% of all domestic violence victims are female.
Over 500,00 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year.
5.3 million women are abused each year. Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. Every 10-15 seconds finds a woman in the US being battered, usually by a boyfriend or husband.
Spousal Crime is the most unreported crime in our country today.
Domestic violence is all too common; it's both a personal tragedy and an enormous public health problem. According to the Centers for Disease Control, every year in the United States more than 300,000 pregnant women experience some kind of violence involving an intimate partner. One in 6 abused women reports that her partner first abused her during pregnancy, and according to the Centers for Disease Control, at least 4 to 8 percent of pregnant women report suffering abuse during pregnancy.
One-quarter of women country report having been sexually or physically assaulted by a spouse, partner, or boyfriend at some point in their life.
Domestic violence is a leading cause of injury to American women between the ages of 15 and 44 and is estimated to be responsible for 20 to 25 percent of hospital emergency room visits by women.
Abuse affects the young, the middle aged, the very old in every social, economic, educational, cultural, ethnic background, and religious gathering in our country.
What is Abuse?
Abuse is the physical, emotional, or sexual mistreatment of a person by another. More often than not it is a pattern of living in which the abuser uses sex, violence and emotional abuse to gain control and dominance over another person. If the abuse is a pattern of living, often the abuser is very skilled at manipulating the abused to make them think that the abuse is their fault, which is one reason why much abuse goes unreported. Another reason it often goes unreported is because the abuser will threaten the abused if they tell anyone, paralyzing them with fear.
Attitudes that Perpetuate Abuse
But it is not the manipulations of an abuser that perpetuate abuse; it is also the unhealthy attitudes we find around us. A colleague of mine, Rev. Sandra Bochonok, remembers serving as a chaplain in the Navy and seeing a number of her sailors jailed for beating their wives. She said, “Some of my senior male navy officer colleagues would actually encourage me to look the other way when suspecting violence. They would say, ‘Everyone smacks their girlfriends and wives around from time to time. It’s not big deal.” Bochonok says, “It is a big deal! Abuse is always wrong. It is a crime! It is a sin! It can lead to murder. And it needs to stop!”
I will tell you what also needs to stop. And that is the harmful attitudes within the Christian church that perpetuate abuse. This may be the worst sin of all! You may not want to believe this but there are many women and children who continue to be abused because they have been convinced that it is God’s will for them stay in the home. They say that their church and pastor teaches them that divorce is a sin, so they will just put up with it, even when their very lives are being threatened.
What often contributes to these attitudes is a misinterpretation of the ideas on marriage found in Ephesians, Corinthians, and Colossians. Some Christians read these letters of Paul and make up their minds that wives and children must submit to their abusive husbands and fathers. This means that there are Christians who misuse the Bible to perpetuate domestic violence. And there are a number of well intended ultra-conservative male clergy who perpetuate abuse without realizing it as they pontificate on scripture texts without doing their homework.
Let me be clear: It is NEVER God’s will for someone to be abused. NEVER! God hates abuse. And if you are being abused, it is God’s will that you find a safe place away from your abuser and get help and pray that your abuser gets help.
The Ripple Effect
So many people just don’t understand the ripple effect abuse has on the abused. It is not just the initial physical or sexual pain that occurs, but it is also the emotional wounds that linger and the dysfunction which is created. Did you know that a large percentage of the abused become abusers themselves? I read of one boy whose father threw him down the stairs and broke his arm. When other family members and friends heard of it, they expressed concern, but they were told it was rude and impolite to ask questions. The battered wife went to her priest about it and the priest told her that she needed to remain in the abusive relationship.
The son who broke his arm is now a grown man and refuses to hit his wife or children. He insists that his wife discipline the kids because he is worried he will turn into his abusive father. He knows that his abusive father is the only frame of reference he has. He says, “If I hit even once, it’s over. I’ll hit again and again.” This man is a Christian and he decided to ask God to help him end the awful cycle of domestic violence. He is in an accountability group and offers hope to other victims.
If you are a victim of abuse God can help you heal from your past and give you hope for the future! If you are an abuser, God can heal you, too and give you hope. But you have to want the help and you have to seek it.
Surprised?
There may be some of you here today who are surprised over the reality of abuse and the damage it causes. You are not alone. There are many family and friends who are quite shocked when they find out that loved ones are being abused. I know of a lady who remembers getting a call one terrible night from one of her grandsons. He was crying hysterically. When she asked what was the matter, he said, “Come, Granny, help, Daddy is hitting mommy again!” She could not believe what she was hearing. “Hitting mommy again?” Her daughter seemed so happy. This must be some kind of sick joke.
But it wasn’t a joke. Her daughter married someone who seemed so loving while they dated. But within the first year of marriage, he began to beat her. Before she knew it, she had three young children. No one in her family knew her secret until her little boy called his granny. Her husband threatened to beat her even more if she told anyone.
Unfortunately, this example is the rule not the exception. Those who are abused feel powerless, shameful, isolated, embarrassed, and afraid and just deny the abuse is happening. Many of the abused have battered self-esteems and have no clue how to assert themselves. Many are terrified of what their abusers will do if they tell someone. Perhaps what is most evil of all, many abusers are some of the most religious and respectable citizens you will find in the community. They are doctors, lawyers, executive, even ministers. Many just can’t believe that such folks are abusers. In fact, most children are sexually abused by someone they know well.
The Christian Response to Abuse
So, now that we are clear on the evil reality of abuse, what is our response as loving Christians to such a huge problem?
Find Healing and Hope in Christ. Only Jesus can give the love and power necessary to heal the abused and the abuser. Surrender to his love and care. Jesus said in Matthew 11:28 – “Come to me, all of you who are heavily burdened, I will give you rest.” Find a good counselor and find healing and hope.
Abuse is not God’s Will, So Get Help! Abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator. If you are being abused, your home is not safe, leave your abuser immediately and find a safe place. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. If you suspect a loved one is being abused refer them to the hotline and help them find peace and safety. Call the police if you see or hear violence in progress.
If you are in physical danger, call 911 to reach the police.
CASA’s primary service area is the southern half of Pinellas County in Florida. CASA can be reached by calling the 24-hour help line, 727-895-4912. The automated voice message will instruct you to dial “1” to access an advocate any time, day or night.
Help the Victims. Like the Samaritan who helped the victim along the road, many of us can help victims of abuse by knowing the signs, being a listening ear, offering help and shelter, getting involved in domestic violence services in our community. Start a support group here at the church.
Examine Your Own Life. Prayerfully examine your own life for violent or oppressive tendencies and ask God for help. If you do not like what you find, seek help from a counselor. Model a non-violent, respectful response to resolving conflicts in your family and relationships. If you find yourself hurting someone call a domestic violence or child abuse prevention program for help. Cultivate a respectful attitude toward women in your family and workplace.
Leslie Morgan Steiner’s Story
Leslie Morgan Steiner has a loving husband, children, a Labrador Retriever and a mini-van. She’s also a Harvard graduate and has a successful career in business and journalism. To look at her you’d never think she was madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life for years.
Why did she stay? Because she didn’t know he was abusing her. Even though he held loaded guns to her head, pushed her down stairs, threatened to kill her dog, poured coffee grinds on her head as she dressed for a job interview, she never she was being abused. Instead, she saw herself as someone in love with man who had a lot of demons and only she could help him.
Leslie said that the other questions she gets asked a lot is, “Why didn’t you just leave? Why didn’t you walk out?” She said this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask, “because victims know something you usually don’t: It’s incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser. Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.”
“I was able to leave, because of one final, sadistic beating that broke through my denial. I realized that the man who I loved so much was going to kill me if I let him. So I broke the silence. I told everyone: the police, my neighbors, my friends and family, total strangers.”
Leslie survived and published “Crazy Love,” and did a Ted Talk. She travels everywhere speaking to victims and giving voice to the voiceless. She has heard hundreds of stories from men and women who also got out of their abusive relationships and rebuilt their lives. They have found hope, joy and love again.
Leslie remarried a kind and gentle man, and they have three kids. They have a black lab, and a minivan. What she will never have again, she says “is a loaded gun held to my head by someone who says that he loves me.”
Some of you may be thinking why I would preach such a sermon. Because, more than likely, there are several people listening to me right now who are currently being abused or who were abused as children or who are abusers themselves. Abuse could be affecting your daughter, your sister, your best friend right now.
I want to end this sermon with Leslie’s words:
“I was able to end my own crazy love story by breaking the silence. I’m still breaking the silence today. It’s my way of helping other victims, and it’s my final request of you. Talk about what you heard here. Abuse thrives only in silence. You have the power to end domestic violence simply by shining a spotlight on it. We victims need everyone. We need every one of you to understand the secrets of domestic violence. Show abuse the light of day by talking about it with your children, your coworkers, your friends and family. Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people with full futures. Recognize the early signs of violence and conscientiously intervene, deescalate it, show victims a safe way out. Together we can make our beds, our dinner tables and our families the safe and peaceful oases they should be.”
(Source for Leslie Steiner’s story: http://www.reshareworthy.com/leslie-morgan-steiner-domestic-abuse-story/)