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Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

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