Someone has made a list of the TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY: 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5 ...
Someone has defined the difference between prosperity, recession, and depression like this: During prosperity you are annoyed because the dog and cat won't eat the expensive canned food you buy for them. In a recession you are delighted that the dog and cat won't eat the expensive canned food. You hope they remain finicky until things get better. In a depression you begin to look thoughtfully at the dog and cat. For the past decade we have experienced a time of unequaled prosperity in our land--but recent ...
A very popular song from the musical Annie called "Tomorrow," was sung by the little red-haired orphan girl, and the words go something like this: The sun will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow there will be sun And the refrain goes: Tomorrow, tomorrow It''s almost tomorrow It''s only a day away. Our hearts are really attracted to that, lifted up by those words. And the song does express the popular and comforting idea that there is always going to be more time, a second chance and ...
Back in August of 1969 a Conference on Liturgy and Worship was held in the city of Milwaukee. Several hundred delegates from churches all across the country were in attendance. At a set time in the program the participants were given an unusual assignment. They were asked to go out singly into the streets of the host city, look for signs of hope, and then report back. As far as I know, they are still out! (I imagine that they came back, but the news report I read about the conference failed to say so.) At ...
Clarence Thomas who, as many of you know, is now a Supreme Court Justice, acknowledged that one of the persons who had a great influence on his life was a nun by the name of Sister Mary Virgilius Ready. Judge Thomas says it was the encouragement that he received from her that helped him to overcome poverty and racism and become someone. Newsweek magazine wrote about her and others who served in the school that Clarence Thomas attended. The article said: "The nuns who lived in the black areas of town were ...
A colleague once told how "a certain woman phoned her personal banker to arrange for the disposal of a $1,000 bond. The voice on the phone asked for clarification, Is the bond for conversion or redemption?'' The confused woman paused and then inquired, Am I talking to the bank or the church?''" (1) Today, I come speaking on behalf of the church of Jesus Christ. This is my training. A six-year-old boy, home from his first day at church, was asked what he thought of the service. "It was OK," he replied, "but ...
There is an old story about Noah Webster, who wrote the famous dictionary that bears his name. As you can imagine, he was a stickler for the precise use of language. He was also something of a womanizer. One day he was in the pantry kissing the maid when Mrs. Webster walked in on them. Mrs. Webster said, "Why, Noah, I'm surprised." Noah said, "No, my dear. We're surprised. You're amazed." (Mark Trotter, "Do You Amaze Anybody?", May 22, 1988) Noah was trying to divert attention from himself with an esoteric ...
There is a parable of three kings searching for truth. When asked how far they will go to discover what they seek, how deep they want to immerse themselves in its meaning, one of the answers, “Not too far, just far enough so we can say we’ve been there.” That’s the tourist attitude about life which prevails too often today. We say we want happiness in our home, health in our bodies, successes in our work. We say we want a peaceful world, less crime and violence in our streets. We say we want a higher moral ...
There is an old story about Noah Webster, who wrote the famous dictionary that bears his name. As you can imagine, he was a stickler for the precise use of language. He was also something of a womanizer. One day he was in the pantry kissing the maid when Mrs. Webster walked in on them. Mrs. Webster said, "Why, Noah, I'm surprised." Noah said, "No, my dear. We're surprised. You're amazed." (Mark Trotter, "Do You Amaze Anybody?", May 22, 1988) Noah was trying to divert attention from himself with an esoteric ...
A few months ago, I told a lawyer story in one of my sermons. It was a funny story that didn't speak too well of lawyers. One of our attorneys, Charles Patton, told me he was going to get me back. He hasn't done so, but he did send me a cartoon -- not about preachers -- but again, about lawyers. So, lawyers, I'm not picking on you -- this came from one of your peers. In the cartoon, Moses is on the side of Mt. Sinai. Aaron and other Israelites are there with puzzled questioning looks on their faces waiting ...
It's amazing what we do with funny stories. We apply them to whomever we wish. For instance, you might hear one funny story with the legendary coach Bear Bryant as the primary actor. When you hear it again, the primary actor may be Johnny Majors. I heard a marvelous story sometime ago about Thomas Wheeler, Chief Executive Officer for the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company -- in fact, he told the story on himself. Lately I've been hearing it about President Clinton. So the story goes with the new ...
Arnold Palmer once played a series of exhibition matches in Saudi Arabia. The king was so impressed that he proposed, in good Middle Eastern fashion, to honor his guest with a gift. Palmer resisted, "It really isn't necessary, Your Highness. I'm honored to have been invited." And, in good Middle Eastern fashion, his highness persisted, "I would be deeply upset," replied the king, "if you would not allow me to give you a gift." Palmer thought for a moment, "All right. How about a golf club? That would be a ...
Author Dennis Rainey tells about an exercise he leads each year with his sixth grade Sunday School class. He divides the class into three groups. These groups then compete in putting together a jigsaw puzzle. As these 12-year-olds scatter into three circles on the floor, he explains that there is only one rule in the competition: to put together the puzzle without talking. The contents of puzzle number one are deposited on the floor and Group One immediately goes to work. The group promptly sets up the box ...
"One day last spring, something memorable happened at Carleton University (in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada, not to be confused with Carleton College, Northfield, Minnesota). Thirty-one students in the same class turned in identical research papers. It was determined that the students had all accessed the same Internet website. If only one student had done it, the ruse might not have caught the professor's attention. But here's what else opened the instructor's eyes: the research paper's topic was ‘ethics.' ...
The holiday harangues are here. The Holidaze Craze has begun. Catalogs filled with more stuff than sense have been overloading the postal service for months already. At your house I suspect it would be a full time job simply to look through all the slick advertisements that arrive on a daily basis. Retailers put out their Christmas decorations the day after Halloween. The frantic Friday-after-Thanksgiving sale day has become a late shoppers event. Midnight madness now refers, not to burning the midnight ...
Washington State's Skagit Valley is sometimes called the Holland of America. In mid-April every year, thousands of people come from all over North America to see the brightly colored red, yellow, and orange fields of tulips that cover hundreds of acres, sometimes as far as the eye can see. One of the earliest crops that thrive alongside the tulip fields in the Skagit Valley is equally brilliant in color. Just as the tulips are fading away a flower of intensely bright yellow bursts forth in the fields. This ...
In the days before ultrasounds, amniocentesis, IVFs or cloning, the whole notion of when human life began was based on a very simple fact. A pregnancy was believed viable and a baby was deemed alive when the expectant mother felt its quickening – it's first movements. Until that moment of quickening, there was no way of knowing if the pregnancy might be achievable or if a miscarriage had occurred. But a baby who had quickened, a baby who had stirred with enough vigor to be felt by its mother, was believed ...
One of the most terrifying places you can visit with a small, speedy toddler is a big, slow-you-down department store. The marketing geniuses who design floor layouts for these big stores have come up with a common strategy. Do away with nice direct aisles through the store; Do away with any and all right-angled organization within the various departments; Do away with straight lines, and customers will be forced to wander into areas they would never go into as they searched for their intended merchandise ...
I learned a song in Sunday School that has stayed with me for lo these many years. The song is "This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let It Shine." Anybody else go to the same Sunday School? (Sing it here, or better yet, have them join in singing it with you.) As we've just heard, the song has three verses. Two of the three verses are theologically profound. One verse is theologically bankrupt. A. I'm Gonna Let it Shine The first verse is "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Where does the ...
So . . . when did throwing up become the newest spectator sport? The hottest TV trend in pop culture? The red-hot reality show fear factor is supposed to highlight people facing up to and facing down their greatest fears. Whenever I've tuned in, the only thing I've seen is people hurling. They have good reason. The most crowd-pleasing, Nielsen-boosting activity seems to be when the "everyman" and "everywoman" participants are forced to consume large quantities of such disgusting delicacies as horse rectum ...
I first heard the words of today’s sermon title when I was a teenager. They came over the radio in a country and western song. The words: “I beg your pardon; I never promised you a rose garden.” I encountered those words again a few years ago when they appeared as the unofficial slogan of the emerging nation of Israel. When Jews migrated to Israel and were asked to settle in “kibbutzim” in parched desert frontiers, they were reminded of the arduous task ahead by the signs posted all around the settlements ...
Some years ago on a ranch in South Texas, an elderly woman was critically ill. She was in her 90’s and was at the point of death. All of the family, the ranch hands and the neighbors had gathered around her bed. Quietly, respectfully, they waited and watched and prayed. The doctors had told them that the end was near and there was nothing else that could be done medically… and that it wouldn’t be long now. Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door. It was a traveling, revival preacher. He had arrived ...
The church is taking a beating. On the outside the picture looks bright. Its affluence is at an all-time high. The church is taking in more money and spending out more money than ever before in all of her glorious history. Just take for example the Southern Baptist Convention. Last year 40,000 Southern Baptist churches took in $6 billion, and now owns property valued at $30 billion. The same could be said for practically every major denomination in America. But a closer look reveals a darker picture. First ...
In a Newsweek cover story entitled, "Talking to God", a Gallup poll reported that 91% of women and 85% of men say they pray regularly. That includes 94% of blacks and 87% of whites; 57% of Americans say they pray at least once every day.1 This survey went on to say that 32% of the people who pray, report that praying gives them a deep sense of peace; 26% said they sense the actual presence of God in their prayers.2 All of that sounded encouraging until I read this final statistic: Only 15% regularly ...
The most powerful part of a human being is not the part that he can see, but the part that he cannot see. That is true even for a bodybuilder. You may think that the most powerful part of a bodybuilder is his muscles, but really the most powerful part is his mind. The Bible says you are what you think, and the old saying is true, "You're only as old as you think." An old man walked into a doctor's office and said, "Doc, I've got to have a blood test, I'm going to get married." The doctor looked at him with ...