... You can pick up your paycheck on the way out today." Startled, he replied, "I thought you paid on Friday." "Normally we do," answered the foreman, "but we're letting you go today because you've fallen behind. Our daily felling charts show that you've dropped from first place on Monday to last on Wednesday." "But I'm a hard worker," the young man objected. "I arrive first, leave last, and even have worked through my coffee breaks!" The foreman, sensing the boy's integrity, thought for a minute and then asked ...
2052. Praying Hyde
Illustration
Roger F. Campbell
... packed with people. At Chapman's first public invitation, fifty men received Christ as their Savior. Relating the story, Chapman said: As we were leaving I said, "Mr. Hyde, I want you to pray for me." He came to my room, turned the key in the door, and dropped to his knees. I waited five minutes without a single syllable coming from his lips. I could hear my own heart thumping, and his beating. I felt hot tears running down my face. I knew I was with God. Then with upturned face, down which the tears were ...
2053. Bless That Weak Message
Psalm 127:1, 2 Corinthians 12:10
Illustration
... of preachers," felt he delivered his sermon so poorly one Sunday that he was ashamed of himself. As he walked away from his church, the Metropolitan Tabernacle in London, he wondered how any good could come from that message. When he arrived home, he dropped to his knees and prayed, "Lord God, You can do something with nothing. Bless that poor sermon." In the months that followed, 41 people said that they had decided to trust Christ as Saviour because of that "weak" message. The following Sunday, to make ...
2054. Meet in the Middle
2 Cor. 5:18-19
Illustration
Tim Kimmel
... who oversaw this flaming execution of the innocent. Alas! and did my Savior bleed? and did my Sovereign die? Would he devote that sacred head for such a worm as I? Just before the roof collapsed they sang the last verse, their words an eternal testimony to their faith. But drops of grief can ne'er repay the debt of love I owe: Here, Lord, I give myself away 'Tis all that I can do! At the cross, at the cross Where I first saw the light, And the burden of my heart rolled away It was there by faith I ...
2055. The Story of Sarah's Sorrow
2 Corinthians 7:10
Illustration
Max Lucado
... touch. Each window was to have thirteen panes, each wall thirteen panels, each closet thirteen hooks, and each chandelier thirteen globes. The floor plan was ghoulish. Corridors snaked randomly, some leading nowhere. One door opened to a blank wall, another to a fifty-foot drop. One set of stairs led to a ceiling that had no door. Trap doors. Secret passageways. Tunnels. This was no retirement home for Sarah's future; it was a castle for her past. The making of this mysterious mansion only ended when Sarah ...
2056. Cabinet Masterpiece
Illustration
... than anything in the world. One day he broke his leg and the artist was panic-stricken. He ran to the telephone and called an acquaintance, a famous surgeon. "It's an emergency," he yelled, "a matter of life and death. Come quick!" The startled surgeon dropped everything and rushed to the home of the artist, expecting the worst. When confronted with the dog. The surgeon, with masterful self-control, said not a word but proceeded to treat the dog with the same skill he would have used on a human being. Then ...
2057. Fill In the Gaps
Illustration
Staff
... go; at which they reproved her, reminding her that no one is necessary anywhere; the gap would be well taken care of, they knew. And then they sang a hymn. Then through the hymn came another sound like the pain of a million broken hearts wrung out in one full drop, one sob. And a horror of great darkness was upon me, for I knew what it was the Cry of the Blood. Then thundered a Voice, the Voice of the Lord. "And He said, What hast thou done? The voice of thy brothers' blood crieth unto Me from the ground ...
2058. It's Never Too Late
Illustration
Staff
It is said that 19 out of every 20 who become Christians do so before they reach the age of 24. After age 25 the numbers drop of significantly: After 25, only one in 10,000 After 35, only one in 40,000 After 45, only one in 200,000 After 55, only one in 300,000 After 65, only one in 500,000 After 74, only one in 700,000.
... devoted people in this congregation. I know that you serve God in our community. I am so thankful for each of you. But none of us, no matter how much good we do, cannot keep it up forever. We cannot love as Christ loved. Our love is a drop in the ocean compared to the love Christ showed for us on Calvary. We cannot reach up to God . . . intellectually . . . morally . . . or even in terms of our good works. And that is why the world needed Christmas. Christmas is the celebration of God reaching down to us ...
... to be like little children whose father loves them very much, but has gone on a long business trip. Now they can’t wait for their Daddy to come home. We wait not with fear, but with faith. The point is to be prepared. Be prepared so that if you dropped dead this moment, you would have nothing to apologize for. Be prepared so if you were offered the biggest promotion in your life, you would be ready to step into your new role. Be prepared so that if some tragedy entered your life, you would be able to ride ...
... it seems, there have been those whose mission has been to spread the message of fast approaching doom and gloom. The end of the world. The final judgment. The apocalypse. Armageddon. The bouncing up and (more frighteningly impressive) dismal dropping down of souls as we anticipate Christ’s imminent arrival has always been a motivating force in Christian disaster “preparedness.” Today’s gospel text is not about judgment based upon personal failures, infidelities, or faithlessness. The five “foolish ...
... emergency oil-buying excursion, they have missed the whole reason they needed their lamps lit: the processional. With the banquet already underway behind closed doors, these “bridesmaids” no longer serve any purpose. They missed their moment. They dropped the ball. They failed their “calling” completely. Without resorting to any allegorical interpretation it is clear that the closed door is a final judgment upon the failure of the foolish planners, those unprepared for the unexpected. The joyous ...
2063. A Volunteer Inspector Clouseau
Humor Illustration
... set up a meeting in his own neighborhood with the Soviet agents. The guards at the Soviet embassy did not know what the package was and, thinking it was a bomb, called in the Secret Service to check it out. At the time of Moore's proposed meeting, the FBI dropped off a package for him. In the package was an indictment for spying and a note telling Moore that he had just earned twenty-five years in prison. For all this, Moore has been nicknamed the "Inspector Clouseau of volunteer spying."
2064. If Anything Can Go Wrong…
Humor Illustration
... (If anything can go wrong, it will): Inside every large problem is a series of small problems struggling to get out. No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center. The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away. The smallest hole will eventually ...
2065. Pick It Up!
Humor Illustration
... game, Cumberland quarterback Ed Edwards fumbled a snap from center. As the Tech linemen charged into his backfield, Edwards yelled to his backs, "Pick it up! Pick it up!" Edward's fullback, seeing the monsters rush in who had battered him all day, yelled back, "Pick it up yourself you dropped it." Fred Russell, I''LL TRY ANYTHING TWICE (Nashville, TN: The McQuiddy Press, 1945), p. 17.
2066. Tried It Once
Humor Illustration
... ." "Would you like a cigar?" "No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it." "Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy?" "No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it. However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you." The first man settled back in his chair and said, "Your only son, I presume?
2067. A Dipping Just Won't Do
Humor Illustration
... of you who don't know, the Baptists practice total body immersion to baptize a person. I'm a big man, so I was concerned about finding a baptistry that could handle an oversized load. Luckily I knew a minister in that faith, having dated his daughter in college. I dropped by to see him and asked him if he would consider performing the service. He paused a minute or two, gave me a long thoughtful look up and down and said, "Ray, if you're serious about this, a dipping just won't do it for you. We'll have ...
2068. Marvelous Marv
Humor Illustration
Many of us remember when the New York Mets were the laughingstock of the National league. The player who best exemplified the team's ineptness was "Marvelous Marv" Throneberry. (Marv went on to be enshrined in beer commercials as the ultimate loser.) The team once held a birthday party for manager Casey Stengel, complete with an enormous birthday cake. Throneberry complained, "How come nobody gave me a cake on my birthday?" "We would have," Casey said, "but we were afraid you'd drop it."
2069. Planet Worm
Humor Illustration
A woman and her little son were in the garden digging up bait for their fishing trip. The little boy was pulling out all manner of insects and presenting them to his mother for inspection. He was especially fascinated by one wriggly creature. His mother looked at it and said, "I'm sorry, dear, but we can't use him. He's not an earthworm." The child's jaw dropped in amazement. "Really? What planet is he from?"
2070. What Did Santa Say?
Humor Illustration
... tell Santa about your misbehavior," her mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Jane's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Jane's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line. Jane's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa (Jane's uncle) how the three-year-old was acting. Then Mom put Jane on the phone. Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to Jane how there would be no presents Christmas morning to children that fought with their sisters. He would ...
2071. Don't Tempt Fate
Humor Illustration
... better not throw that snowball! I'm mailing a letter to Santa right now." Calvin asks: "Is the envelope sealed?" "Yes," she replies, "but I could write a P.S. on the back." "Do you have a pen?" Calvin asks. "As a matter of fact, I do!" she answers. Calvin drops the snowball and says, "I'll bet she's bluffing, but this is not the time of year to tempt fate."
2072. Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa
Humor Illustration
... and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa." Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." Leave ...
2073. Church Chuckles
Humor Illustration
... by the Reverend. This Sunday being Easter, we will ask Mrs. Daley to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. The service today will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning. The pastor will preach, and there will be special sinning by the congregation. The ladies of the church ...
2074. The Thieving Translator
Humor Illustration
... across the river, and trailed him at a discreet distance as he returned to his home village. He watched as Jorge mingled with the people in the square around the town well and then went into his favorite cantina to relax. The Ranger slipped in and managed to get the drop on Jorge. With a pistol to the thief's head he said, "I know who you are, Jorge Rodriguez, and I have come to get back all the money that you have stolen from the banks in Texas. Unless you give it to me, I am going to blow your ...
2075. Skip a Day
Humor Illustration
... ? Eat two days and skip a day." Two weeks later the man came back for his appointment. He had lost 20 pounds. The doctor asked, "You lost all this weight just by following my instructions?" The man said, "Yes, I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that third day." The doctor asked, "From hunger?" "No," the man said. "From skipping!"