Sermon and Worship Resources

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151. Meeting of the Bored

Humor Illustration

Traditional

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd like to meet him."

152. Morning Bruises

Humor Illustration

Traditional

The drunk husband snuck up the stairs quietly. He looked in the bathroom mirror and bandaged the bumps and bruises he'd received in a fight earlier that night. He then proceeded to climb into bed, smiling at the thought that he'd pulled one over on his wife. When morning came, he opened his eyes and there stood his wife. "You were drunk last night weren't you!" "No, honey." "Well, if you weren't, ...

153. No Enemies

Humor Illustration

Traditional

A reporter was interviewing an old man on his 100th birthday. "What are you most proud of?" he asked. "Well, " said the man, "I don't have an enemy in the world." "What a beautiful thought! How inspirational!" said the reporter. "Yep," added the centenarian, "outlived every last one of them."

154. On One Condition

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Traditional

The German poet Heinrich Heine bequeathed his entire estate to his widow on the condition she remarry "So at least one other man will regret my death."

155. Ship's Logs

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Traditional

A ship captain one day recorded in the ship's log, "First-mate drunk today." It was a true statement, but was the first incident where the mate had been drunk while on duty. The mate pleaded with the captain to amend the statement, but the captain refused, saying it was a true statement. The next time the First-mate was in charge of the ship, he recorded in the log, "Captian sober today."

156. Solving The Unsolved

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Traditional

Charles Kettering, the inventor, had a unique method of solving problems. He would break down each problem into the smallest possible subproblems. Then he did research to find out which subproblems had already been solved. He often found that what looked like a huge problem had previously been 98 percent solved by others. Then he tackled what was left.

157. Something To Give

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Traditional

After Abraham Lincoln became president, before the days of civil service, office seekers besieged him everywhere trying to get appointments to various jobs throughout the country. Once, confined to bed with typhoid fever, exasperated, Lincoln declared to his secretary, "Bring on the office seekers; I now have something I can give to everybody."

158. Terrible Day

Humor Illustration

Traditional

A man at work decided to show his wife how much he loved her, and before going home, showered, shaved, put on some choice cologne, bought her a bouquet of flowers. He went to the front door and knocked. His wife answered the door and exclaimed, "Oh no! This has been a terrible day! First I had to take Billy to the emergency room and get stitches in his leg, then your mother called and said she's c...

Murphy's Third Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Traditional

160. The Limping Horse

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Traditional

A rancher asked a veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse," he said, "that walks normally sometimes and limps sometimes. What shall I do." The veterinarian replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."

161. The Lord's Prayer, Kinda

Humor Illustration

Traditional

Two men were talking together. The first challenged the other, "If you are so religious, let's hear you quote the Lord's Prayer. I bet you $10.00 you can't." The second responded, "Now I lay my down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." The first pulled out his wallet and fished out a ten dollar bill, muttering, "I didn't think you...

162. The Passive Husband Line

Humor Illustration

Traditional

There were two lines of husbands in heaven, one for the dominant husbands and one for the passive, submissive husbands. The submissive husband line extended almost out of sight. There was one man in the dominant husband line. He was small, timid, appeared anything but a dominant husband. When the angel inquired as to why he was in this line, he said, "My wife told me to stand here."

163. The Unreal Looking Owl

Humor Illustration

Traditional

Two taxidermists stopped before a window in which an owl was on display. They immediately began to criticize the way it was mounted. Its eyes were not natural; its wings were not in proportion with its head; its feathers were not neatly arranged; and its feet could be improved. When they had finished with their criticism, the old owl turned his head...and winked at them.

164. The Wife Thief

Humor Illustration

Traditional

A Sunday school teacher was trying to demonstrate the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take an example," she said. "If I were to go into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" A child in the back answered, "You'd be his wife."

165. Theologians Can't Agree

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Traditional

If all the theologians in the world were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

166. To No Avail

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Traditional

Just before the death of actor W.C. Fields, a friend visited Fields' hospital room and was surprised to find him thumbing through a Bible. Asked what he was doing with a Bible, Fields replied, "I'm looking for loopholes."

It is be better to leave people wondering why you didn't talk than why you did.

Traditional

168. Wake Up Grouchy

Humor Illustration

Traditional

One woman to another at the office, "Did you wake up grouchy today?" "No, I just let him sleep in."

169. Why Did You Die?

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Traditional

A man was crying over a gravestone saying, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Another man questioned him, "Did your mother just die?" "No." "Your father?" "No." He continues, "O, why did you die?" "Well, who died?" "This was my wife's first husband."

170. Words, Just Words

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Traditional

Samuel Clement (Mark Twain) attended a Sunday a.m. sermon. He met the pastor at the door afterward and told him that he had a book at home with every word he had preached that morning. The minister assured him that the sermon was an original. Clement still held his position. The pastor wanted to see this book so Clement said he would sent it over in the morning. When the preacher unwrapped it he f...

Worry is a small trickle of fear that meanders through the mind until it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

Traditional

Showing 151 to 171 of 171all results

Showing all results

151. Meeting of the Bored

Humor Illustration

Traditional

152. Morning Bruises

Humor Illustration

Traditional

153. No Enemies

Humor Illustration

Traditional

154. On One Condition

Humor Illustration

Traditional

The German poet Heinrich Heine bequeathed his entire estate to his widow on the condition she remarry "So at least one other man will regret my death."

155. Ship's Logs

Humor Illustration

Traditional

156. Solving The Unsolved

Illustration

Traditional

157. Something To Give

Humor Illustration

Traditional

158. Terrible Day

Humor Illustration

Traditional

Murphy's Third Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Traditional

160. The Limping Horse

Humor Illustration

Traditional

161. The Lord's Prayer, Kinda

Humor Illustration

Traditional

162. The Passive Husband Line

Humor Illustration

Traditional

163. The Unreal Looking Owl

Humor Illustration

Traditional

164. The Wife Thief

Humor Illustration

Traditional

165. Theologians Can't Agree

Humor Illustration

Traditional

If all the theologians in the world were laid end to end, they still wouldn't reach a conclusion.

166. To No Avail

Humor Illustration

Traditional

It is be better to leave people wondering why you didn't talk than why you did.

Traditional

168. Wake Up Grouchy

Humor Illustration

Traditional

One woman to another at the office, "Did you wake up grouchy today?" "No, I just let him sleep in."

169. Why Did You Die?

Humor Illustration

Traditional

170. Words, Just Words

Humor Illustration

Traditional

Worry is a small trickle of fear that meanders through the mind until it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.

Traditional

Showing 151 to 171 of 171all results