... , “for I imagine that collectively we have seen a tremendous amount of Christmas displays. So if you have found him somewhere, please let me know. But have you ever seen John the Baptist in any of the nativity scenes? He would be this hairy, unkempt, wild-looking guy wearing camel’s hair. There would be a piece of locust caught between his teeth and dried honey in his beard. Louder than any Santa says, ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ you would hear the automated voice of John the Baptist screaming, ‘The kingdom of ...
... ’s Digest of a large moose that wandered into a residential area in Calgary, Canada. The moose ended up on the lawn of a lady named Lorna Cade. A Fish and Wildlife officer was dispatched to try to coax the magnificent animal back into the wild. After two hours of absolutely no progress, the officer finally shot the moose with a tranquilizer dart. The moose bolted down a lane and eventually collapsed on another nearby lawn. The reporters who had been following this event interviewed the lady at the house ...
1228. Wiser With Age
Humor Illustration
Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All-bran. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ...
1229. Back To The Fifties
Humor Illustration
... a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage. Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls. Also, their music drives me wild. This ''Rock Around The Clock'' thing is nothing but racket. I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ''damn'' in ''Gone With The Wind,'' it seems every movie has a ''hell'' or ''damn'' in ...
1230. Brace Yourselves
Humor Illustration
A family had just located to a new neighborhood. The mother went to the local school to fill out some paperwork that would enable the children to enroll in classes. She was filling out a routine questionnaire on her youngest child, a wildly energetic and rambunctious boy. After listing his height, weight, age, and the like, she paused over the lines for additional remarks. Then, she filled in her remarks with just two large words: "BRACE YOURSELVES!"
1231. A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts
Humor Illustration
... wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave ...
1232. Kids' Answers to Biblical Questions
Humor Illustration
... Carta. Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods. Holy acrimony is another name for marriage. Christians can have only one wife. This is called monotony. The Pope lives in a vacuum. Paraffin is next in order after seraphim. Today, wild beasts are confined to Theological Gardens. The patron saint of travelers is St. Francis of the sea sick. A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible. Abraham begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, and Jacob begat twelve partridges. The natives of Macedonia ...
1233. The Special of the Day
Humor Illustration
A guy was at a restaurant and couldn't figure out what to get, so he asked the waiter whom he knew, "What do you recommend, Henri?" "Well, today our special is chicken on a bed of wild rice with green beans almandine and a nice side salad, with a succulent shrimp cocktail and your choice of beverage and dessert." "That sounds great. How is your chicken prepared?" "We break it to him very gently and tell him it's nothing personal!"
1234. The Invention of Velcro
Humor Illustration
... the hide of Velcros, distant relatives to the Naugas. But now that Velcro has become such a lucrative commodity, the Velcros are threatened with extinction. The wholesale slaughter of these helpless animals compounds the already difficult situation Velcros face in the wild. They easily stick to things, and during mating become literally stuck on one another and hence are easy prey to hunters. For a long time Velcros were worshipped by the Acrylics, a primitive tribe of weavers who lived in their habitat ...
1235. Believing Your Design
Humor Illustration
... first flight, a traveler on a piston-engine, propeller-driven DC-6 airliner struck up a conversation with a fellow passenger. The passenger happened to be a Boeing engineer. The traveler asked the engineer about the new jet aircraft. The engineer was wildly enthusiastic about this new, improved way to travel. He began speaking at length about the extensive testing Boeing had done on the jet engine before bringing it into commercial service. He recounted Boeing's experience with engines, from the B-17 to ...
1236. Scientific Jargon
Humor Illustration
... . I think. IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT . . . A couple of other guys think so too. CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE . . . Wrong. ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS . . . Rumor has it. A STATISTICALLY ORIENTED PROTECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS . . . A wild guess. A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA . . . Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of soda. IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS ...
1237. Jump For It
Humor Illustration
A Texan was telling a crowd of Easterners about the viciousness of the wild steers on the range. "I was walking along close to a mesquite thicket the other day," said the Texan, "when one of these critters crashed out and came for me. I ran for the closest tree. The lowest branch on it was twenty feet up. There was nothing to do ...
1238. Saying Grace
Humor Illustration
It is said that one of President Reagan's favorite stories is the one about the minister's son who was taken out camping one day. His companion warned him not to stray too far from the campfire because the woods were full of wild beasts of all kinds. The young boy had every intention, really, of following that advice but inevitably he was drawn by curiosity and wandered farther and farther from the fire. Suddenly, he found himself face to face with a very large and powerful looking bear. He saw no means of ...
1239. Practical Joker
Humor Illustration
... wheel from its post and toss it over the mountainside. His panic-stricken rider didn't know that he had installed foot controls for steering. McDermott also had a house replete with secret tunnels and sliding panels. It was best known for the wild parties held there. The house featured a hidden room, which was upside down. The rugs and furniture were fastened to the ceiling; and the drapes, pictures, and even the fireplace were upside down. The floor had an elaborate chandelier thrust upwards from its ...
... . Half a century later Josephus found John the Baptizer sufficiently significant to mention his activities in the official historical record. Mark also notes John’s personal distinctiveness. His “wilderness” location is played out in his own “wild style.” Although unusual clothing, lifestyles, hairstyles, and diets are still part of many religious communities (Amish, Luddites, Reorganized Church of LDS), John the Baptist’s dress and diet were unusual enough to merit mention. His wilderness ...
... lot of strange smells. Advent, for Mark, starts way out in the wilderness. The “good news” of the gospel, the beginning of a new beginning, is ushered in by the outlandish figure decked out in camel’s hair and chomping down on sautéed grasshoppers and wild honey. For everyone who loves to camp in the wilderness, part of the appeal is the freedom from the fragrance police. For everyone who has to clean up after the wilderness wanderers return home, part of the appall is the intensity of the odors. The ...
1242. Out Moose Hunting
Luke 1:26-38
Illustration
King Duncan
... 's Digest of a large moose that wandered into a residential area in Calgary, Canada. The moose ended up on the lawn of a lady named Lorna Cade. A Fish and Wildlife officer was dispatched to try to coax the magnificent animal back into the wild. After two hours of absolutely no progress, the officer finally shot the moose with a tranquilizer dart. The moose bolted down a lane and eventually collapsed on another nearby lawn. The reporters who had been following this event interviewed the lady at the house ...
... next month. We give up some “spending money” and defer some gratification because we know our family needs that life insurance policy. We build college savings accounts. We stockpile treasures in a “hope chest.” In 1895 Oscar Wilde presented his great theatrical success “The Importance of Being Earnest.” The play pilloried the silly social conventions of late Victorian English society. Ironically “earnestness” became equated with its very opposite. Eventually to be “earnest” was likened ...
... solace and solutions to those in need. Will you step up the tempo in 2012? 3) Step up Step Up to the plate When Babe Ruth famously stepped up to the plate and confidently pointed to where he fully intended to bash the baseball, the fans went wild. How could anyone be so brazen, so brash, so completely sure of their own actions and abilities? If a baseball player can step-up-to-the-plate and fully expect, despite all the human variables at work, that he will successfully “swing for the bleachers,” how ...
... when the waters begin to recede. God comes to Noah and his sons and makes a promise to them: “I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you and with every living creature that was with you the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you every living creature on earth. I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be destroyed by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God ...
... in Paul’s day. No tourist trip to Rome is complete without a visit to the massive, magnificent ruins of the Roman Coliseum. For centuries Roman citizens gathered in that great structure to “enjoy” such festivities as gladiators fighting each other to the death, wild lions and tigers tearing into helpless victims, the deadly creativity of all forms of torture carried out against any who were out-of-favor or just out-of-luck against the all-powerful Empire. In those “good old days” some of the most ...
... and Papers from Prison; Karl Barth’s collection of sermons he delivered in prison called Deliverance to the Captives. If you’re a fan of convict literature, then you’re a fan of Cervantes, Voltaire, Thomas More, John Donne, Daniel Defoe, Oscar Wilde, Dostoyevsky, Solzhenitsyn, Diderot, Jack London. But maybe the greatest prison literature of all time is John Bunyan’s classic Pilgrim’s Progress (1678). Here is a letter Bunyan wrote to a friend while in prison: For though men keep my outward man ...
... and bring something good out of them. Peter’s words echo some words found in the Old Testament. You will remember that Joseph, the Old Testament patriarch, was sold into slavery by his envious brothers. They told their father that he was killed by a wild animal. The slave traders take Joseph to Egypt where, through the force of his character, he rises from slavery to being the second most powerful man in the empire. Later, in the midst of a great famine, Joseph’s brothers come searching for food. They ...
... he has been bound for twenty years, and, clothed in his right mind, go forth, breathing the testimony of divine saving to rescue thousands from death and illimitable woe. At the name of Jesus, spoken to him reverently, I have known the maniac to cease his wild ravings and become as a little child, tender and submissive. In a revival, not long since, a helpless stammerer was suddenly cured of his impediment as he named the name of Christ in praise. I have seen men who had been bitterest enemies for years ...
1250. That’s All I Want
John 10:1-21
Illustration
B. Wiley Stephens
... have Jesus as our shepherd is indeed a blessing. As he moves towards the cross, Jesus holds up this model of the good shepherd, reminding his listeners that a good shepherd would lay down his life for the sheep. He would give his life to protect the sheep from thieves, wild animals, or whatever danger might confront the flock. We can give him our allegiance because of his commitment to us.