For the past twenty years or so, a team of nutritionists and home economists on Butterball Turkey's Turkey Talk-Line have answered every conceivable question about how to cook a holiday turkey to perfection. One woman called to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don't know, it's still running around outside." Leadership magazine had a story sometime back about a lady who was ...
One of the characteristics of many Eastern cultures is a deep sensitive people are to other people's feelings. For example, one publication, the Financial Times, carried this rejection notice, written to a writer by the overly polite editor of a Chinese economic journal: "We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If we were to publish your paper," says the editor, "it would be impossible for us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is unthinkable that in the next thousand years we ...
Sometime back the United States Treasury tackled one of its most vexing problems. Sophisticated, hi-tech resources now available to the average citizen have become real problems to the Treasury Department. With the introduction of high quality ink jet printers, computer scanners and other office equipment into homes and offices across the nation, the amount of counterfeit money almost doubled in the years between 1992 and 1997. Counterfeit money became hard to distinguish from the real thing. Thus, in 1998 ...
Fear. It can manifest itself in many forms. Chrysostom was the church leader of Constantinople in the fourth century when Rome was persecuting the Church. The Roman emperor had him arrested and charged with being a Christian. If Chrysostom did not renounce Christ, then the emperor would have this Christian leader banished from the kingdom. Chrysostom responded to the threat by saying that the emperor could not do so, “because the whole world is my Father’s kingdom.” “Then,” replied the emperor, “I will ...
It's a good thing that today's text did not fall earlier in September--say Labor Day weekend. The moral of the story goes against most of the things you and I believe about the relationship between capital and labor. You know the story well. A landowner went out about six in the morning to hire men to work in his vineyard. He agreed to pay them $20 for the day. That should tell you right off that the workers were not unionized--though some of you can remember when $20 was good pay for a day's work. About ...
Do you remember a unique cultural phenomenon from years ago called "elephant jokes"? These were jokes that were totally nonsensical. They were funny because they were absurd. For example, here is an elephant joke: An elephant was thoroughly enjoying himself as he splashed about in the river. A mouse was perched on the sandy shore. It was obvious that he was disturbed about something. The mouse yelled at the elephant, "Come out of the water at once." The elephant laughed and said, "Why should I come out?" ...
An Italian newspaper recently carried a story about a young couple in Milan who seemed particularly devoted in their worship. The priest at a cathedral there reported that the pair spent an hour or more on a regular basis sitting before a statue of the Virgin Mary. Naturally, he assumed they were praying. Turns out, this young couple was recharging their cell phone. They had noticed a stray electric cable sticking out of the wall behind the statue of the Virgin Mary. Whenever their phone's power supply ...
It's good to have you in worship on this first Sunday of the New Year. One of the controversial issues of this past year was whether airline pilots should carry weapons on planes. It reminded me of a story about a pilot who was seated in the cockpit of a passenger jet. Much to the surprise of his navigator the pilot pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The ...
"Five Things Christians Should Never Say," #3 Welcome on this Super Bowl Sunday. Football is a wonderful sport, but football fans can be cruel. Last season when the Dallas Cowboys were having difficulty beating anyone, there was a story going around that one of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The FBI was called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined ...
With the war in Iraq having been successfully concluded, Americans are beginning to focus once again on the economy. Corporate scandals, a sagging stock market and rising unemployment seem to be on everyone's mind. I can sympathize with that. It's like the pollster who was taking a survey of how much of people's income goes to different kinds of spending. The person being interviewed said, "I spend 40 percent of my income on housing, 20 percent on clothing, 40 percent on food, and 20 percent on ...
Not far from the geographic mid-point of the United States, a small railroad and cattle town advertises itself to incoming motorists with the sign: "This is the center of the universe." That sounds so very human, doesn't it? "This is the center of the universe." "Conceit," someone said, "is what makes a little squirt think he is a fountain of knowledge." No wonder the disciples were embarrassed when Jesus asked them what they were discussing. They were discussing who among them was the greatest. They had ...
This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your forefathers ate manna and died, but he who feeds on this bread will live forever. During Operation Desert Storm, Al and Barbara Davis, a retired Virginia couple, read that soldiers in the field weren't getting enough potassium and protein. One problem was that bananas, an excellent source of potassium, spoiled before they could get to the soldiers. So Al and Barbara had an idea: why not make banana-nut bread and send it to the soldiers overseas? Their ...
A young scientist named Stephen Hawking made a dramatic presentation to a group of elite physicists at Oxford University in England in 1974. When he finished, the session moderator blurted out, "Oh, this is rubbish." Physicists attempt to prove the size, shape, and workings of the universe with mathematics. Everyone has heard of Einstein's theory of relativity, which attempts to prove that light traveling through a field of gravitation is slightly distorted. Einstein knew that there was another force ...
Bishop Bompas was the first Anglican clergyman to venture among the Indians of the Yukon. There is a somewhat unusual story about his service there. It seems that when he discovered that no member of the tribe had ever been officially baptized or married, he immediately proceeded to do both. After the five-hour baptismal and marriage ceremony was over, he asked the tribal chief which part the people enjoyed most. "Well, Bishop," said the chief, "we liked being baptized, but most of all we loved being ...
Is there any son or daughter in this world who is not thrilled by this little declaration of praise from a parent, "I'm proud of you?" When baseball great Henry Aaron hit his 715th home run breaking Babe Ruth's remarkable record, that is what he said: "I don't' remember the noise, or the two kids that ran on the field. My teammates at home plate, I remember seeing them. I remember my mother out there and she hugging me. that's what I'll remember more than anything about that home run when I think back on ...
In a time when many couples are choosing not to have children, we simply cannot appreciate the humiliation that Sarah felt at being barren. Her condition was not looked upon as a gynecological problem in that pre-scientific time. Her condition was viewed as a sign that she was out of favor with God. Sarah was an embarrassment to her husband, Abraham. She had failed in her primary function as a wife--to bear him an heir. There were surely nights when she cried herself to sleep. "What is the matter with me ...
A man wrote in to the "Clean Laughs" online board with this story: "I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate? "After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "˜This may be a bit off the point,' he said, "˜but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer.'" (1) Most of us can relate to ...
The line at the Post Office was of a December length, too long really to wait for such a simple errand. But there he was. When he got to the window he asked for a sheet of Christmas stamps. The clerk proffered a brightly colored set showing lots of candles and emblazoned with the word “Kwanzaa.” “No,” he said, “I’d like some Christmas stamps.” The clerk did a sort of ‘oh-h-h yeah’ thing and rummaged around in the supply and pulled out some jolly snowmen and made ready to ring up the transaction. “No,” he ...
A pollster was taking a survey of how much of people''s income goes to different kinds of spending. The person being interviewed said, "I spend 40 percent of my income on housing, 20 percent on clothing, 40 percent on food, and 20 percent on transportation and amusement." The pollster said, "But sir, that adds up to 120 percent." The reply was, "I know it!" Some of us, when the credit card bills come due, are probably discovering that we are spending at least 100 percent of our income. As one man put it, " ...
It was Pentecost Sunday. The ushers handed each worshipper a bright red carnation to symbolize the festive spirit of the day. The people listened attentively to the reading of the Pentecost story from the Book of Acts. They heard about the "powerful wind from heaven" and about the "tongues of fire." Then came the sermon. "The Spirit of the Lord is upon us," the preacher began. "Like the powerful wind from heaven!" shouted a woman sitting in the first pew. Then she threw one of the red carnations toward the ...
Truit Gannon, pastor of a church in Georgia, tells of an incident in his boyhood. A man named Hugh, who worked for his father, owned a beautiful Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was a wine-colored machine with the hydro-glide fork on the front wheel. As I understand it, that hydro-glide fork was an engineering miracle in motorcycling in its day. Anyway, Truit says it was his greatest thrill as a teenager to ride that motorcycle. One day he asked, "Hugh, can I ride your motorcycle again today?" Hugh’s words ...
We might consider Jesus’ words to His students (disciples) in the Upper Room as sort of a “Last Will and Testament,” a final summing up of all that He had taught them during His brief ministry among them. He begins to speak of His coming death not as a probability but as a certainty, and He begins to talk with new urgency as though the passing moments are infinitely precious and as though he wants to etch every word indelibly on the minds of each of them. And what does He say to them? “I give you a new ...
A little girl who normally attended another Sunday School happened to attend a Methodist Sunday School one week-end, while visiting her grandmother. In the course of the morning she heard a number of things she wasn’t quite sure about, but when the teacher said that Jesus was a Jew she responded, “Maybe Jesus was a Jew, but God is a Baptist!” Of course, God isn’t a Baptist; and neither was John the Baptist, for that matter. That is why the Revised Standard Version calls him “John the Baptizer”...to avoid ...
I happened to see part of a comedy program on television a couple of weeks ago. One of the segments of the program consisted of two or three short movies made by a producer unfamiliar to me. I take it that he is just getting started in this business. But he had a terrific “gimmick.” He found out when buildings were to be demolished in New York, and then arranged to take pictures of them being blown up or torn down. Only he interwove himself and his own dialogue into the picture. He would talk to the ...
I wish that Ted Koppel would run for president. Sometimes he seems to make more sense than all of the politicians put together. You know him as the popular moderator of ABC’s “Nightline” program. In a speech at Duke University a year ago he said this: “We have actually convinced ourselves that slogans will save us. Shoot up if you must, but use a clean needle. Enjoy sex whenever and with whomever you wish, but wear a condom. No! The answer is no. Not because it isn’t cool or smart or because you might end ...