"What are a Redneck's famous last words?" asks Redneck expert Jeff Foxworthy. "Simple," he says. The Redneck's last words are, "Y'all watch this!" "Whatever the foolhardy act," says Foxworthy, "his friends always oblige. In fact, they probably put the poor guy up to no good in the first place, just for a laugh. Not that he minds. Men know that their friends," Foxworthy continues, "are going to get them into trouble. They expect it. That's why they're called friends. Have you ever heard a guy describe ...
Object: coin bank and some coins Good morning, boys and girls. Can you tell me what this is? That's right, it's a coin bank. And what do you do with a coin bank? You put your pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters in it, don't you? That's how we save up money. We store up all our spare change in these coin banks, so that when we see something we really need to buy, we'll have the money all saved up. We just keep saving the coins, saving the coins, filling up the coin bank until that special day when we take ...
The Reverend John Brokhoff tells a great story about a major league baseball game that was stopped by a dog. It happened at a Kansas City Chiefs' game. A dog walked onto the playing field and wandered around. The game was stopped so that the dog could be removed. The umpires tried to shoo him off. The players yelled and hollered at him, "Get out, go home, you idiot dog." The dog by this time was thoroughly confused, ran here and there, and finally lay down on third base, refusing to move. A sports reporter ...
Two men--hundreds of years apart--climbed mountains and the world has not been the same since. Moses climbed Mount Sinai. He had received a personal invitation from God. "Come up here on the mountain," said the Almighty to Moses, "and I will give you tables of stone, and a law, and commandments which I have written; that you may teach them." And Moses climbed the mountain and a cloud covered it. And suddenly the glory of the Lord filled Mount Sinai, and the cloud remained more than six days. On the seventh ...
Have you ever gotten so angry with your boss that you wanted to walk out the door? Not just walk out the door, but to exact a little revenge in the process? Advice columnist Jeffrey Zaslow once asked his readers that question. Here is what he got: Several waitresses and secretaries said their most satisfying career moves were out the door. Gina, a Woolworth's waitress, told how her boss once offered a ten-cent raise, "as a big favor." Gina saw it as a big insult, and her customers egged her on to quit. It ...
Some people have weird eating habits. But none weirder than Michel Lotito. Lotito ate everything. I mean EVERYTHING. In Amarillo, Texas, he ate a queen-sized bed. In Quebec he ate a whole bicycle. "The chain," he was quoted as saying, "was the tastiest part." In Marseilles he ate a car. A small car, true--a Renault, I think--but still a car. As James Dent once noted in his humorous book, James Dent Strikes Again, Lotito was not an overgrown termite. He was a human-type person born 1950 in Grenoble, France ...
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us. (Ephesians 2:13-14) You may have seen the story in this past week's newspaper. Way back in July 1984 Terry Wallis and a friend were riding in a car that left the road and plunged into a creek. They were found the next day underneath a bridge. The friend was dead and Wallis ...
What is there about certain people that sets them apart from the crowd? That causes other people to hold them in awe? Kyle Rote, former All-American football player from S.M.U., played eleven years for the N.Y. Giants in the NFL. He scored a touchdown on an average of once every six times he caught a pass. He scored fifty times in three hundred receptions. The greatest tribute ever paid an athlete in modern times was paid by his college and pro teammates. Fourteen of them named their sons Kyle! (1) Stan ...
When Jenny was four, she asked her mother, “Does heaven have a floor?” Surprised, her mother said, “Well, Jenny, what do you think heaven is like?” Jenny looked up at the sky and clouds and replied, “Well, I can’t see any floor, so I guess people are just up there on coat hangers!" One mother told her nine-year-old, Heather, that in heaven we will have glorified bodies. Heather asked, “Do you think we’ll look like Barbie?” One Sunday school classroom had several glass prisms hanging from the ceiling. As ...
There is an old story about a family consisting of mother, father, and small son who went into a restaurant. As they were seated at the table, the waitress sailed up. You know, the particular kind of waitress who moves as though she were the captain of a ship. She sailed up, pad in efficient hand, looked, and waited. The parents ordered. Then the boy looked up and said plaintively, “I want a hot dog.” “No hot dog!” said the mother. “Bring him potatoes, beef, and a vegetable.” The waitress paused for a ...
The movie The Gods Must Be Crazy begins with a rather small aircraft flying over a remote village deep into the African continent. The pilot is drinking out of one those old-fashioned green Coca Cola bottles. When he is finished with the beverage, he throws the bottle out of the airplane and it lands near some tribal leaders below. They pick it up. They are greatly intrigued. It is shaped far differently from anything they have ever seen. Since the item has come from the heavens above, they believe it to ...
So far in our series on the Ten Commandments we have completed the first four commandments--those dealing primarily with our relationship to God. This is the vertical dimension. Today we begin the section which deals with our relationships to family and the enlarged family which include our neighbors and the world. This is the horizontal dimension. These next commandments reveal God''s plan for our relationships with other people. The first four commandments deeply impact and influence this dimension as ...
Baseball legend George Herman "Babe" Ruth was playing one of his last full major league games. The Boston Braves were playing the Reds in Cincinnati. The old veteran wasn't the player he once had been. The ball looked awkward in his aging hands. He wasn't throwing well. In one inning, his misplays made most of the runs scored by Cincinnati possible. As Babe Ruth walked off the field after making a third out, head bent in embarrassment, a crescendo of "boos" followed him to the dugout. A little boy in the ...
In September 1991, the ruling government of the Soviet Union admitted something it had denied for nearly 60 years. During the Stalin era, officials once forgot to set the national clocks back one hour when they came off winter daylight-saving time. They were so embarrassed by the oversight that the Soviet government stayed on the wrong time and denied the whole thing for nearly six decades. (1) The issue of time is at the center of our Biblical text for today. We would do well not to deny its crucial ...
I think most of you would agree that we live in a sports-oriented culture. Even the average athlete makes more money than the President of the United States, and most college coaches make more money than the professors who teach at our universities. Yes, every Saturday and Sunday there are athletic events that have the capacity to attract millions of folks to stadiums, golf courses, and race tracks. These athletic events also have a way of attracting the headlines of the morning newspapers even when we are ...
Today we honor our fathers. And that's good. Dads don't get much respect nowadays. A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep. He even learned a few lullabies to lend some variety to the task. This was something he could do at night to help his wife out. And he kept up this task until one night he overheard his four-year-old give her younger sibling this advice, "If you pretend you're asleep," she said, "he stops." That was the end of the lullabies. Garrison Keillor, on his "Writer’s Almanac ...
I heard an amusing story recently about a Southern Baptist pastor who answered his telephone one day and heard a man's voice. "Please send six cases of whiskey to my house," said the voice. "We're having a party." To say the least, the pastor was surprised. Southern Baptist pastors are not in the habit of delivering cases of whiskey to people's homes. Even more surprising, he recognized the voice as being that of one of his deacons. Evidently the deacon had been calling a liquor store and dialed his pastor ...
Our scripture lesson this morning, the second scripture lesson which the sermon is based, comes from Paul’s letter to the church at Rome, the 8th chapter. I’m beginning with the first verse and reading through the 11th verses, and I’m reading from the Revised Standard Version. This is the word of the Lord, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set me free from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, ...
Donald English is one of the most outstanding Christian communicators I know today. He was in our church a couple of years ago, and many of you have heard him. He is providing dynamic leadership for the renewal of the church in Britain, and plays a dynamic role in the World Methodist Council. Donald tells a quaint English story that will speak to us this morning. "In Birmingham, England, there is a store called Lewis's. It's a great chain store in one of the main streets, and wanted to extend. Right in the ...
One day a guest was checking out of a major hotel in Honolulu. While he was paying his bill at the desk in the lobby, it suddenly dawned upon him that he had left his briefcase in his room upstairs. He called to a bellboy standing nearby, "Son," would you please run up to my room and see if I left my briefcase there? The limo is waiting and I've got to get to the airport as fast as I can." "Sure," said the young man, "I'll be back in just a minute." Well, in no time, the bellboy came running out to the ...
Four women were playing bridge together in the Recreation Room of a certain retirement center out in California. As they were playing -- but chatting, more than they were paying attention to their game, they noticed an elderly gentlemen wander into the room. They had never seen him before. He was obviously a newcomer to the Retirement Center. Quickly, the four ladies perked up. One of them said, "Well, hello there. You're new here, aren't you?" The old man smiled and said that he was. "Just moved in this ...
When the historian H. G. Wells died in 1946, many of the newspapers reporting the event quoted the last words he ever spoke. Friends and nurses were fluttering about his bedside trying to be helpful, adjusting pillows, pulling up the covers, administering sedatives, and so on. Wells turned to them and said, "Don't bother me. Can't you see I'm busy dying." It was the last flicker of humor from a gallant spirit. I've been thinking about that lately...about the way people die. It says a lot about how they ...
You don’t have to raise your hand, but is there anyone in this room who worries about your appearance? Most of us, right? You may remember the time-honored story of the woman who was working in her front yard when a moving van pulled up next door. Her new neighbors drove up behind the moving van. While the movers were unloading the van, the new neighbors walked over and greeted the woman. She was a bit self-conscious because she had dirt on her hands and face and was wearing dirty, old clothes. A few days ...
A little baby was born nearly 2,000 years ago under very unimpressive circumstances. He was born to poor working people living in an oppressed country. He was born while the parents were on a journey that was required by a tyrant, and they had to stay in a stable instead of in a home. The baby was laid to sleep in a trough from which cattle usually ate. And yet, Christians down through all of those years have believed that there was something very special about that birth. We have believed that, in that ...
There's a story about a man whose great ambition was to become a general in the army. He imagined all the attention he would get, everybody saluting him, somebody to drive him around, all the perquisites of that high rank. One day he reached his goal. He was promoted to Brigadier General. The next day he moved into his new office, sat behind his new, big desk. He could just feel the power emanating from that office. His aide walked in, said, "There's a man here to see you." The general said, "Send him ...