A misprint in a church bulletin read: "The choir will sing, ˜I Heard the Bills On Christmas Day.'" We are on the other side of Christmas. For some of us that means the Christmas bells will soon be turning to Christmas bills. One man had a great idea for his children's Christmas. He ordered the plans for a tree house from a mail-order catalogue. He received instead the plans for a sailboat. His letter of complaint to the company brought this apologetic reply: "While we regret the inconvenience this mistake ...
When some future scholar tries to understand the spirit of our times, he or she might run across a collection of the many derivatives of Murphy’s Law and declare that they constitute our national spirit. We have become such a pessimistic people. Murphy’s Law, of course, goes like this: “If anything can go wrong it will. If nothing can go wrong, it will anyway.” But there were many derivatives of that Law . . . Like “The other line always moves faster.” Or “When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has ...
According to II Timothy 3:16, all scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. Paul might have added, "and for jimmying locks on jail cells." That's what happened in Dorchester County, Maryland according to a recent news story. Two inmates in the Dorchester county jail discovered that a stiff cover on a Bible left in their cell was just the tool they needed for prying back the defective lock on their jail cell door. That door led ...
"My most vivid childhood memory of Christmas," writes columnist Dave Barry, "that does not involve opening presents, putting batteries in presents, playing with presents, and destroying presents before sundown, is the annual Nativity Pageant at St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Armonk, New York." Mrs. Elson was the director, and she would tell the children what role they would play, based on their artistic abilities. For example, if you were short you would get a role as an angel, which involved being part ...
You may be familiar with Peter Jenkins, author of such best selling books as Walk Across America. Jenkins tells of the night he was converted to Christ. He was attending a huge revival in Alabama. "I didn’t understand all that these people were saying about what had just happened between God and me," he recalled. "Born again...," "Saved...," "The Lord led you here tonight...," "Praise the Lord...," "Well, God finally’s got you away from the Devil...," "Ain’t God good?" were words that Peter Jenkins heard ...
J. Vernon McGee once told a memorable story about a woman who lived in the deep south and had a close relationship with her childhood sweetheart. The woman fell in love with him and ultimately married him. Although their life together was not perfect there were rewards and moments of joy. Suddenly, though, her beloved husband died of a heart attack. The woman was not able to part with her late husband so she decided to have him embalmed, put in a chair, sealed up in a glass case, and placed immediately ...
A story appeared in the newspapers on January second of this year. It was about a seventy-one-year old man in Evansville, Indiana who had his life saved in a most unusual way. A truck smashed into his house. It was 2:35 a.m. when a driver lost control of his truck on wet pavement, struck the curb and sailed on to the porch of Lee Roy Book's house. Later, a utility crew sought to restore electricity to Book's home and to check for gas leaks. They discovered that Book's chimney and pipes were plugged with ...
A man stopped by a computer store where he'd recently purchased a personal computer. "I have a question about a computer I bought here the other day," he said to a salesman who greeted him enthusiastically. "What kind did you buy?" the salesman asked. "A Crimean Extravaganza 1900," said the customer. "Wow! That's a nice computer," exclaimed the salesman. "It has a 100 megahertz pentium processor, 16 megabytes of ram, a 256 kilobyte pipeline burst cache. It has PCI 64-bit video and a 1.2 gigabyte hard drive ...
After tucking in his six-year-old son Chris one night, Robert O'Brien tapped his son's chest and asked, "Do you know what you have in there?" Chris looked puzzled and responded, "My guts?" "No, you have a piece of God," his father replied. After a brief silence Chris responded, "God is in my guts?" "No," said his Dad, "we have a piece of God inside of us; it is God's gift to each of us." Chris smiled, tapped his Dad's chest, and asked whether his Dad had a piece of God in his guts. They laughed and ...
In their joy they were disbelieving, and still wondering . . . (Luke 24: 41) A New York cop named Charley is having coffee in a little diner. Finished, he reaches into his pocket to pay and to leave his usual tip, but finds that he has just enough money to pay for the coffee. There's not enough to tip the waitress. Embarrassed, he offers the waitress a choice. He promises to return the next day with double the usual tip. Or, taking a lottery ticket out of his billfold and holding it up, he promises to ...
Faye Neff, writing in THE CLERGY JOURNAL, tells about a newspaper in Maine that printed an embarrassing mistake. The paper ran a photo of the local board of council members, but someone placed the wrong caption under the picture. Beneath the photo were these words: "Naive and vulnerable, the sheep huddle for security against the uncertainties of the outside world." Can't you just imagine that caption, asks Neff, under a variety of photographs? Under a picture of the president and his advisers? Or perhaps ...
Four years ago young Matthew LeSage, a third-grader, wanted to do something to help the hungry in his city. So he started a program, Hams for the Hungry. This year, in its fourth year, Hams for the Hungry will raise $40,000 to brighten the holiday season for people with limited resources. Matthew's story reminds me of another young man, 13 years old at the time, who read about Dr. Albert Schweitzer's missionary work in Africa. He wanted to help. He had enough money to buy one bottle of aspirin. He wrote to ...
In a technological society, we often need instructions for using new products. But where do they find the people to write these instructions? Some instructions are hopelessly vague while others seem totally unnecessary to anyone with even minimal brain power. For example: On a camera were these instructions: “This camera only works when there is film inside.” Well, duh! Big surprise there. These thoughts were found on a package of airline peanuts: “Open packet and eat contents.” Do they really think we ...
Staying focused is one of the secrets of a successful life. Comedian Jay Leno says that he went into a McDonald’s one day and said, “I’d like some fries.” He vows and declares that the girl at the counter asked, “Would you like some fries with that?” Focus! Doctors hear some pretty strange stories in their line of work. Audiologist David Levy recalls a frantic client who lost her hearing aid. She had been eating a bowl of cashews while talking on the phone. Her tiny hearing aid was sitting on the table ...
The Fourth of July makes us conscious of our roots. Have you ever thought what a leap of faith it was for Columbus to embark on his great adventure? Do you not marvel at his perseverance and commitment to his dream? I read somewhere that the average speed of the Santa Maria during the voyage across the Atlantic was two miles an hour. Yet we get frustrated when we have to slow down to 30 miles an hour in traffic. Do you wonder why his crew became almost mutinous at times? Do you understand how frustrated ...
When business guru Guy Kawasaki and his wife had their first child, they were determined to be politically and environmentally correct. They were going to use cotton diapers and wash them themselves. Two weeks went by. Doing your own cotton diapers, they discovered, doesn't cut it. They didn't want to wash the diapers with their stuff so they found that either their house stank or they felt guilty for doing lots of small loads. So they went to a cotton diaper service. They discovered this doesn't work well ...
On July 23, 2002, nine miners in Western Pennsylvania became trapped in a flooded mine. The injured and desperate men tied themselves together so that the stronger ones could sustain the weaker ones as they waited to be rescued. Journalists from across the nation reported the rescue effort, which took five long days. No one could believe it when all nine miners emerged safely from the mine. On July 30, the people of the small mining community gathered for a worship service to thank God for saving the ...
Some “rock” Peter turned out to be! Immediately following Jesus’ giving him that new name, the very first thing he did was to say something so stupid that Jesus had to call him a “devil,” and tell him, “You are a hindrance to me; for you are not on the side of God, but of men.” (Matt. 16:23) Some rock! In J.D. Salinger’s novel CATCHER IN THE RYE, fifteen-year old Holden Caulfield gives us this profound theological reflection: “I like Jesus and all, but I don’t care too much for most of the other stuff in ...
In 1865, in a small town in Wisconsin, five-year-old Max Hoffman came down with cholera. Three days later, the doctor pulled the sheets over the boy’s head and pronounced him dead. Little Max was laid to rest in the village cemetery. That night, his mother awoke screaming: she had dreamt that her son was turning over in his grave. Trembling with fear, she begged her husband to go to the cemetery and immediately raise the coffin. Mr. Hoffman did his best to calm his wife, assuring her that while her ...
It is a difficult thing not to be chosen. I can still remember what a relief it was to be appointed by the teacher as one of the two captains who would choose team members when our class would be divided for softball. It meant that I would be, in effect, the first one to be chosen. What agony it was, however, when others were doing the choosing. As an uncoordinated youngster, with very little to offer toward the team's success, I was likely to be chosen last, and the humiliation was keenly felt. Perhaps ...
Russian novelist Fydor Dostoevsky wrote, "God and the devil are at war in the universe and their battlefield is the human heart." Just after Christ's transfiguration one of these skirmishes is to be seen. When Jesus was transfigured, the entire mountain shone with the radiance of heaven. Moses was there. So was Elijah. And when Peter found his voice, he said, "Master, it's good that we are here! Let's build!" But Jesus pointed them back down the mountain where they were immediately confronted with a little ...
According to those whose job it is to know such things, it only takes three weeks to become blind to the presence of stationary objects in our everyday worlds. Hang a new picture on the wall, and one is likely to notice it for about 21 days. After that it has become part of the scenery. It simply doesn't leap into the foreground any more. That's why it can be so hard to accomplish the simplest chores of housework before the arrival of guests. We've stopped noticing the screwdriver that's been sitting on ...
It's an awesome responsibility to preach. One of my heroes, Bishop Gerald Kennedy, was fond of telling of the Church of England Bishop who remarked that a sermon is something a clergy person will cross a continent to deliver, but will not walk across the street to hear. There may be more truth in that than most of us will admit. Yet, when we get beyond our egoes and our yet unredeemed arrogance, we know that preaching is an awesome responsibility. And especially is it so at a high hour such as this when we ...
One of the most effective and colorful congressmen to ever go to Washington was a crusty old gentlemen from Texas named Sam Rayburn. He served Congress for over 50 years — during the last ten of those years, he was Speaker of the House. But the real greatness of Sam Rayburn was not in the public positions he held. It was in his common touch. One day he heard that the teenage daughter of a Washington reporter had died. Early the next morning he went over to the reporter’s house and knocked on the door. “I ...
There is a little church on the Appian Way not far from the city Rome that bears the interesting name "The Church of the Quo Vadis". Those Latin words, Qou Vadis mean whither goest thou?A beautiful legend which has it that a few years after the crucifixion of Jesus, Peter had been in Rome and was under the threat of persecution again. He was fleeing for his life -- leaving the city in fear, when he met Jesus. Jesus was headed into the city, so Peter asked Him the question "Lord, whither goes thou?" And the ...