A young pastor was telling his congregation how bad women are. He stated that a lot of the trouble in the world was due to women. He went on and on about women and the problems they cause. After the message the pastor was greeting the people as they left church. An older husky woman came up to the pastor and, as she was shaking his hand, she squeezed it quite unmercifully. He cried out, "That hurts." She asked him, "What was the telephone number of the Garden of Eden?" He said, "I don't know." She ...
"Life is truly a ride," says comedian Jerry Seinfeld. "We're all strapped in, and no one can stop it. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up." With equal wit, Cynthia Kraman asks, "What If the Hokey Pokey IS REALLY what it's all about ...
It's a classic children's story told time and time again. A little boy is asked by his kindergarten teacher where his heart is. He points to the seat of his pants. "Why do you say that is where your heart is?" asks the kindergarten teacher. "Because," said the little boy, "My grandmother is always patting me there and saying, ˜Bless your little heart.'" There is no more relevant question that we can ask than this one: "Where is your heart?" SOME OF YOU WOULD SAY THAT YOUR HEART IS WITH YOUR FAMILY. And ...
What's it like to live without hope? What's it like to finally decide that your dreams are beyond your abilities and to resign yourself to living without any prospect that things will get better? The closest thing I could find to a picture of a person totally without hope comes from a book by Dr. David Jeremiah titled The Power of Encouragement. Dr. Jeremiah tells about an old Alfred Hitchcock show which featured the story of an evil woman jailed for committing a murder. The woman soon realizes that her ...
Anne Watson tells a delightful story about her mother's family from Tennessee. Grandma was a country schoolteacher. Her brother Ed was a country lawyer. Ed was a big man. He stood over six feet in his socks. He didn't look like a smart person. "Why, just to look at Ed," says Watson, "œyou'd feel sorry for the man. You'd think 'Here's a soul to be specially kind to.'" Ed cleaned up on this. He had a little office in a town right on the Arkansas border. He handled all the law for miles around, which wasn't ...
In his book, South Carolina Off The Beaten Path, William Fox tells an apocryphal story of two wealthy Charleston matrons who escaped Charleston's oppressive heat by summering in Paris. When they fell upon hard times and could no longer afford Paris they shuttered themselves inside their home, venturing out only at night to catch the ocean breeze. One night a boy recognized them and was ready to greet them, when his mother stopped him by saying, "No, son. We can't talk to them, they're spending the summer ...
There is an old legend about a New England town that was suffering through all manner of dissension and back-biting. The people were constantly involved in petty feuds pitting neighbor against neighbor. One day, the people came together and consulted a wise pastor as to how they could resolve their differences. The pastor agreed to think on the matter and send them a letter soon detailing his judgement. A few days later, the pastor sat down and wrote his letter to the people, full of advice on how to make ...
There was an item in the newspapers sometime back about a star-struck teenager in 1943 named Lorraine Wagner who sent a fan letter to an actor named Ronald Reagan. Reagan took the time to sit down and write a short note of thanks in return. For the next fifty years, Lorraine and Ronald were pen pals. He wrote to tell her about his career, his marriages and all the mundane things that friends share with one another. She wrote the same things to him. Even after Reagan was elected President, he and Lorraine ...
We have come behind closed doors this night. In a few minutes we will have the cross of Christ applied to our foreheads. This ceremony is not for public display. It is for those who love Christ, not for the world outside. This is the one time in the year when we hide our light under a bushel, as it were. Ash Wednesday could be a dangerous time spiritually. It could be a time when we parade our piety for others to see. How inappropriate that would be. Our Lord said, "Beware of practicing your piety before ...
George Jones, one of country music's greatest stars, has lived a troubled life; his drinking and reckless behavior once came close to ruining his career. Probably the lowest point in his career came the night in 1979 when George performed a major concert in Nashville. That night, Jones did the whole concert--a string of hits--in the voice of Donald Duck. Not long afterwards, Jones checked into a rehab center. Since then, he has been sober and successful. (1) Can you imagine? How would you react if your ...
Back in the 1920s, residents of Cades Cove, Tennessee, lived in fear of the legendary Wampus Cat, a creature known to be vicious, supernaturally strong, and sly. The Wampus Cat was so sly that no one had actually seen one, but there were those who swore that it existed. One loud shotgun blast echoing through the Cove would warn the men of the town that the Wampus Cat had been sighted, and they'd all grab their guns and go out hunting it. Only after the legend of the Wampus Cat was passed down through many ...
Life has a way sometimes of slipping up behind and slapping us in the head. Sometimes it is a gentle slap. Other times it is not. A man was driving down the road. He passed a traffic camera and saw it flash. Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, the man turned around and, going even slower, passed the camera again. It flashed once more. He couldn't believe it! He turned, going a snail's pace, and passed the camera one more time. Again, he saw the camera flash. He ...
Author Tim Storey tells a great story about how easy it is to rush to pass judgement on others. Tim pulled up in front of his neighborhood barber shop and parked. As he fished around for his wallet, he felt the sickening crunch of metal hitting metal. Somebody hit his car! What an idiot! But when he jumped out to look, Tim didn't see anyone. As he was muttering under his breath about stupid drivers, a little old lady came out of the barber shop and announced, “I saw the whole thing." Turns out, he was the ...
Humorist Robert Orben says that when he was in grade school, he was told if he wanted to get a good job he had to graduate from high school. So he went to high school. When he was in high school, he was told that to get a good job he had to go to college. So he went to college. When he was just about to graduate, he was told everybody had a bachelor's degree, and to get a really good job, he had to get a master's degree. So he got his master's. Then he was told that a master's degree would take him only so ...
First of all, a word for the ladies. If you think the man in your life is a world-class, gold-medal sports freak, Linda Geyer has a sporting wager for you. Any horror story you have, she can top. Your husband can't bear to watch anything but the sports channels? Linda's husband Mitch has four TV sets placed throughout their home in suburban California, a fifth in the garage, a sixth on the patio and a portable TV in the car. Your husband watched sports on your honeymoon? At the wedding altar itself, their ...
One of the most exciting buzz words in business today is the word "synergy." According to the principle of synergy, when two or more people work together, the total effect of their work is greater than if they had been working independently. For example, one horse can pull 2 tons by itself. That means two horses working separately will be able to pull 4 tons, 2 tons per horse. But when two horses are teamed together, we are told they can pull 18 tons. That's synergy. Here's another example. Suppose you ...
A few days ago we celebrated Independence Day. I thought you might enjoy these thoughts from an unknown author: Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America . . . do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a DIET coke. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we ...
There is a terrible story about two young Mormon missionaries who were going door to door. They knocked on the door of one woman who was not at all happy to see them. The woman told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, almost magically bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it and slammed the door again with the same amazing result--the door bounced ...
Some of you may be campers. Summertime means adventures in the great outdoors. One thing I've discovered is that camping isn't for everyone. Reed Glenn of the Daily Camera in Boulder, Colorado compiled a list of comments received by the US Forest Service from back packers and campers: "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders," wrote one unhappy camper. "Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests." Another wrote, "A McDonald's would be nice at trail head." And one more adventurer wrote, "The ...
The teacher of a junior high class was trying to illustrate the word miracle. "Young people," he said, "Suppose I stood on the roof of a 10-story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden, in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and brought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this?" After a long silence a boy raised his hand and asked, "Luck?" "True, true," replied the teacher. "It could be luck. But that's not the word I wanted. I'll repeat the story. There I am ...
There is a story about a poor guy who died. Much to his surprise he was sentenced not to heaven, but to Satan's domain. Before he was admitted, however, He was interviewed by Satan himself. "It's pretty bad down here, isn't it?" asked the man. "Not at all!" said Satan. "You're surrounded by people who know how to enjoy! Each day we have a theme. Monday, for example, is Party Day! We party around the clock. Tuesday is Alcohol Day! An open bar, take all you want! Wednesday is Tobacco Day! The finest Havana ...
An advertisement on a TV Cable system began with this stirring question: "Wouldn't you love an exciting new career that could change your whole life?" According to this advertisement, all that you need to do to have a totally "new" and "exciting" life is to launch a career selling Pre-Paid Telephone Cards. The ads make it clear that this career opportunity requires no direct sales on your part. You can be the wholesale distributor in your area! Now many of us enjoy talking on the telephone! Any many of us ...
A commercial airline pilot on one occasion made a particularly bad landing. The wheels of the big jet hit the runway with a jarring thud. Afterward, the airline had a policy, which required that the pilot stand at the door while the passengers exited. He was to give each of them a smile and say, "Thanks for flying with us today." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone ...
The rest of the world must surely marvel at the nature of religion in America. For example, you may have read in the newspapers sometime back about the newly formed Positive Impact Church in South Centre, Pa. According to Associated Press reports this church advertised a raffle. Two thousand people signed up. Apparently they didn't read the fine print. They had to attend Sunday services to be eligible to win the prize of $1,000. Only about 30 showed up. "Where are all the people?" asked the minister, ...
Have you ever noticed that sometimes life can be a little hard? Coming home from his Little League game, a little boy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do, son?" he asked. “You'll never believe it!" the young fellow replied. “I was responsible for the winning run!" “Really?" asked his father. “How'd you do that?" Said the little boy, “I dropped the ball." One day in 1990, actress Michelle Pfeiffer was in ...