"Terms of Endearment" - those distinctive words or phrases we use to let folks know they are special to us. I came across an article by a new father who noted the phenomenon: he writes,(1) "I recently ran through the list of nicknames Alene and I have called Bridgette since she was born. I was amazed. In only 22 weeks, we have referred to her, alternately, as: Bridgette, Bridge, Bridgey, Bridgelet, Bridgester, Bridgemeister, Bridgeman, Bridgette-the-Fidgettey-Midget, Bridgettes-of-Madison-County, Pooh, ...
Last summer, shortly after my arrival in Warren, one of the first things I encountered as a "problem" in our worship services was the "Passing of the Peace" - some folks did not like it; they felt it was a disruption in the dignity of worship, this period of enforced sociability. For what it is worth, this is not the only congregation where that feeling has ever been expressed. Despite that, we continue the practice (and there has been less complaint about it in recent months as we are more and more such a ...
The Good Samaritan. Familiar story. One researcher found in a survey that 49% of the people interviewed said they would be able to tell the story of the Good Samaritan if asked to do so, 45% said they would not be able to, and 6% were unsure whether they could tell it or not. Among those who attended religious services every week, the proportion who thought they could tell the story rose to 69% percent.(1) But whether or not one could accurately retell this parable, the concept of the "Good Samaritan" is ...
A little girl came home from school and asked her mother if she knew Christopher Columbus was Italian. "Yes," said Mom. And the girl continued, "Did you know that Queen Isabella furnished the money to buy his ships?" "Yes, dear, I had heard that." The little girl thought for a moment and then said reflectively, "Well, really, Mother, if you already know the things I come home and tell you, I don't see any use in going to school." By the time we get done here this morning, you may feel the same about coming ...
Why you are here today? I would like to believe that you are here for the preaching. Connie and Debbie and the choir would like to believe that you are here for the music. But we all have been around long enough to know that may not be the case. There is one man here who is in attendance because his wife made him come - she went with him to a ball game last week, so it was only fair. There is a young man here hoping against hope that he will meet a special young lady. Lots of reasons. But of all the ...
Homecoming. There is something so special about HOME. 'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.(1) The Bible is full of homecoming stories that would be perfect for a day like today - Jacob's homecoming to meet brother Esau, the return of the nation of Israel from exile, and this one we just read, the return of the Prodigal Son, in what has been called the greatest short story ever written. "Father, I want RIGHT NOW what's coming to me." My inheritance ...
William Everett, a Congressman from Massachusetts in the late 1800s, told the story of a congregation in England that needed new hymn books but lacked the money to pay for them. The churchgoers learned that a large company, a maker of patent medicines, would furnish hymn books at a penny each if the books could carry some advertising. The congregation saw no harm in making that concession, and so they ordered the books. The new hymnals arrived at the church on the day before Christmas. On Christmas morning ...
It was a very cold and windy evening in late November, 1989. The Hotel was quiet, only a few rooms were rented. The banquet complex was full. The bar was hopping and the Dining Room was packed. The sleeping rooms were few, so not many guests were roaming the halls. Then one of the guests was disturbed in his room. He heard a baby crying. He left his room and spotted a box. When he looked in it, he saw a baby! He immediately started running to the Front Desk, screaming, "Come quick! There's a baby in a box ...
If we took a poll of the most boring places on earth, a significant number of votes would probably go to doctors' offices. But it was in a boring doctor's office that Robert Fulghum was surprised, and even reminded of God. Fulghum had been under the weather for a while, so on a bleak February day he went to the doctor. As he sat in the waiting room, he noticed an attractive elderly couple waiting, too. The woman wore holly berries and poinsettia leaves in her hair. The man leaned toward Fulghum, smiled, ...
Three pastors got together for coffee one morning. Much to their surprise they discovered that all their churches had problems with bats infesting their belfries. The bats were making a terrible mess. "I got so mad," said one pastor, "I took a shotgun and fired at them. It made holes in the ceiling, but did nothing to the bats." "I tried trapping them alive," said the second. "Then I drove 50 miles before releasing them, but they beat me back to the church." "I haven't had any more problems," said the ...
A member of the British Parliament appeared one day at the Gates of Heaven and demanded entry. "Sorry, sir," said the Admitting Angel, "but sexism is a sin, and our records show you to be a Male Chauvinist Pig. There is no room for you here." "Humph," said the MP, "I suppose you got that nonsense from Maggie Thatcher! I see her over there, gloating at me." "More bad news, I'm afraid," said the Angel. "That's not Mrs. Thatcher. That's God." (1) Susan B. Anthony called on editor Horace Greeley one day in ...
A bright yellow highway department truck creeps along a quiet, city street. A worker slowly climbs out of the truck and laboriously digs a large hole between the sidewalk and the street. A few minutes later, a second worker gets out, fills in the hole, and tamps down the dirt. A few yards down the street they repeat the same procedure, then again and again. An elderly lady has been watching. She walks over and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" One of the workers says, "We're on an urban ...
One day at a particularly quiet moment in the normally noisy newsroom where he worked, young H. L. Mencken shouted at the top of his lungs, "It's coming in the doors!" Needless to say, everyone stopped and looked in his direction. "It's up to the bottom of the desks!" said Mencken as he rose to his feet. "It's up to the seats of our chairs!" he shouted as he jumped onto his chair. "What are you talking about?" asked one of his incredulous colleagues. "It's up to the tops of our desks!" shouted Mencken as ...
You would think that people would want to put their very best foot forward when submitting a resume. You would think they would at least check for typo's. Yet, according to the firm Accountemps, here are some real-life excerpts from real people's resumes: "Dear sir: I am a rabid typist." Well, I hope she doesn't bite anyone. "I'm a quick leaner." Probably his last job was with the highway department. "I seek challenges that test my mind and body because the two are usually inseparable." That was probably ...
A new kind of modern airplane was on an experimental flight. It was full of reporters and journalists. A few minutes after the takeoff the captain's voice was heard from the loudspeakers: "I'm delighted to be your pilot, and the captain of this airplane on its first historical flight. I can tell you that the flight is going well. Nevertheless, I still have to tell you about a minor inconvenience that has occurred. The passengers that are sitting on the right side can, if they look through the window, see ...
One of the facts of life is that we all are aging. To make matters worse, there is nothing we can do about it except, perhaps, to laugh. The READER'S DIGEST has carried some delightful humor recently about aging. For example, one woman was quoted as saying that her 81-year-old mother is proud of the fact that she doesn't look her age. One summer day, however, her mother went into a drugstore and, talking about the heat, said to the clerk, "Going to be ninety-seven today." The man reached across the counter ...
An aging Jew was crossing the street in front of a Roman Catholic church. He was knocked down by a hit-and-run driver. As he lay there, half conscious, a priest hurried out, and prepared to administer the last rites. "Do you believe in God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost?" the priest asked. "I'm dying," cried the old man, "and he's asking me riddles!" Peppermint Patty steps up to the store counter in a PEANUTS cartoon. She says, "Yes, sir . . . I need some school supplies . . . some pencils ...
Father Barry Foster, a priest in Dublin, Ireland, parked his car on a rather steep slope close to his church. His little cairn terrier was lying on the rear seat and could not be seen by anyone outside the vehicle. Father Foster got out of the car and turned to lock the door with his usual parting command to the dog. "Stay!" he ordered loudly, to an apparently empty car. "Stay!" An elderly man was watching the performance with amused interest. Grinning, he suggested, "Why don't you just try putting on the ...
In one corner of the ring stands the challenger, the Mystic Marvel. In the other corner stands the champion, the Supplanter. The Supplanter basks in all his successful conquests. He relishes that last match with Laban the Larcenist. It was such a sweet victory because the champ had beaten Laban at his own game ” somehow he had gotten away with more deceitful moves than even the underhanded Laban. The champ laughs as he thinks about how easy so many of his victories have been ” like taking candy from a baby ...
When Joseph Talese was an apprentice tailor in Maida, Italy he made a terrible mistake. His hand slipped and he accidentally cut a slit in the trouser leg of a Eastertide suit being made for the head of a Mafia crime family. Disaster loomed. The proud and vengeful Mafia chieftan might very well exact a terrible price for his disappointment and there was not enough material to craft new pants. As siesta time approached, the tailor for whom Talese worked closed the shop and ordered his assistants to pray for ...
The sales manager of a large real estate firm was interviewing an applicant for a sales job. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in real estate, like my father," the young man replied. "Your father made a million dollars in real estate?" asked the impressed sales manager. "No," replied the young man. "but he always dreamed of it." Have you ever noticed that the Bible never mentions the dreams of the apostles? It doesn't even mention the ideas of the apostles. ...
TV evangelists have taken a beating in the media in recent years. You may have heard the story of the Hindu priest, the Jewish rabbi and the TV evangelist who were caught in the same area by a terrific thunderstorm. They sought shelter at a farmhouse. "That storm will be raging for hours," the farmer told them. "You'd better stay here for the night. The problem is, there's only room enough for two of you. One of you'll have to sleep in the barn." "I'll be the one," said the Hindu priest. "A little hardship ...
Don Elder and his 6-year-old granddaughter Sarah Umhauer, both members of Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church, Buffalo, N.Y., were enjoying cider and doughnuts on Reformation Day. Elder said, "Sarah, I wish you didn't have school tomorrow so you could go to church with me and Grandma." Sarah asked, "Why are you going to church tomorrow, Grandpa?" "Because it's All Saints' Day," he replied. "But Grandpa," she said, "we're not saints, we're Lutherans." (1) I'm not going to speculate on how many Lutherans ...
Have you ever noticed that people are funny? It makes no difference what time of the year, people are funny. Maybe you read the story in the newspapers this time last year about a young Romeo in France who was trying to woo his girlfriend Santa Claus-style. Attempting a surprise visit to his girlfriend while her parents were away, the youth climbed down the chimney of the girl's home. On his way down, he became trapped in the narrow flue and called for help. Firemen, alerted by the girlfriend, said they ...
We are all familiar with MURPHY'S LAW, "If anything can go wrong it will." Murphy's Law is the inspiration for a new book by Paul Dickson, titled THE OFFICIAL RULES AT HOME. Here is a sample of laws, rules, and observations collected by Dickson: Rabbe's Rule of the Bedroom: The spouse who snores louder always falls asleep first. Dickson's Gardening Discovery: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it ...