One of my favorite pieces of humor is the blooper. These unique manifestations of our humanness appear from time to time in newspapers, magazines and even church bulletins. Often they are typos that give a whole new meaning to a sentence or a phrase. Kathleen Hunzeker in Kimball, Nebraska noticed this item in the President's Report of the First English Lutheran Church of Kimball: "We as a congregation have achieved many accomplishments. We have been truly blessed in our missions and ministry. All of the ...
One mother says that she is always sorry when Christmas is over because she knows that after her family has hung up their stockings on Christmas Eve it will be a whole year before any one of them will hang up anything again. (1) After Christmas, Lucy mutters, "Rats! Phooey! Everything is hopeless! Who cares?" Charlie Brown asks, "Lucy, what in the world is the matter with you?" Again she shouts, "Rats! Phooey!" The last cartoon shows her walking away only to turn and drop a casual comment to the puzzled ...
The ability to make concise and accurate decisions is one of the great secrets of successful living. Those of you who are sports fans will appreciate the story of a college football team whose starting quarterback was injured. The number two quarterback had not even dressed out due to illness. This left only a freshman quarterback who also did their punting but had absolutely no game experience as a college quarterback. The coach had to throw him into the fray, however. It was first down, but the ball was ...
An ad once appeared in the personals column of a newsletter. It read like this: "Married, professional man, 47, with problems in home, seeks dalliance with a married/unmarried, intelligent woman." The ad had been written by some researchers. They were curious about who would respond to such an ad. Much to their astonishment, they were deluged by responses. For example, here's one: "I am a 34-year-old female, pretty, rubenesque, brown hair, dark blue eyes. I work as a nurse in large urban hospital. My ...
This morning we want to celebrate children. What would life be without them? The parents of one rowdy little fellow were trying to decide what to give him for his birthday. Dad suggested a bike. "Do you think that perhaps that will improve his behavior?" Mom asked hopefully. "I doubt it," Dad said realistically. "But at least it will spread it over a wider area." Children can be a pain, but they are also a pleasure. They look at life in such a different way. Expecting her third child, one mother tells how ...
The Gospel more than anything else is good news! We all know that, but how often we forget. A news story that appeared recently in USA Today might serve as a helpful parable. It seems that many McDonald’s restaurants, rather than using bank bags and armored trucks, move their daily cash intake by putting the money in regular carry-out paper bags and handing the bag to a drive-thru courier. The plan conceals the fact that a large amount of money is leaving the store. In Euclid, Ohio, though, one McDonald’s ...
Have you ever known anyone with a thoroughly disagreeable attitude? There are some people who, if opportunity were to knock, would complain about the racket. They would re-write the twenty-third psalm to read like this, "My cup runneth over, what a mess." Senator Sam Ervin told about a man in his home state who did not agree with anybody about anything. The man found that cabbage didn't agree with him, the Senator says, and from that day forward wouldn't eat anything else. Jonah, the Old Testament prophet ...
An insurance salesman stuck his head into a department store sales manager's office. "You don't want to buy any insurance, do you?" he asked timidly. "Young man, who taught you how to sell?" asked the sales manager. "Don't ever ask that kind of question! Your problem is a lack of confidence. Give me an application blank. I'll buy some insurance from you to give you confidence in yourself." After completing the application, the sales manager gave the young man a lecture: "Now remember, each customer is ...
Several years ago Frank Court told the story of a student at Iowa State University who took to selling magazine subscriptions for additional income. He determined that a likely customer might be the president of the University. The student was greeted at the door by the president's wife who was able to resist his sales pitch by saying that her husband already received more magazines than he could read. The student assured her that he understood and turned to leave. It was then the president's wife saw ...
A little girl whose father was a disc jockey, a radio announcer, was invited to a friend's house for dinner. When she arrived, the mother asked the little girl if she would honor them by saying the blessing. It delighted the little girl. She cleared her throat, looked at her wristwatch, and said, "This food, friends, is coming to you through the courtesy of almighty God." Well, she was right, all food that we eat comes through the courtesy of almighty God. (1) Thanksgiving is a special time of year. Can't ...
Sometimes you discover a word of truth in the strangest places. In the book A SOUTHERN BELLE PRIMER, Marilyn Schwartz writes about the traditions, mysteries, and preparation that go into becoming a true Southern belle. One quality that every Southern belle must possess, according to Ms. Schwartz, is SPARKLE--that mixture of poise and vivaciousness that draws everyone's eyes and ears to her. One belle from Alabama commented that she learned to sparkle in dance class. At the tender age of six, she was chosen ...
In a technological society, we often need instructions for using new products. But where do they find the people to write these instructions? Some instructions are hopelessly vague while others seem totally unnecessary to anyone with even minimal brain power. For example: On a camera were these instructions: “This camera only works when there is film inside.” Well, duh! Big surprise there. These thoughts were found on a package of airline peanuts: “Open packet and eat contents.” Do they really think we ...
Not everything in life can be accepted at face value. Sometimes we are fooled. For example, one of the best-known sites in New York City is named Trump Tower. Trump Tower is named, of course, after successful realtor and self-promoter extra ordinaire, Donald Trump. Located in mid-Manhattan this spectacular building is 68 stories tall, according to most reference sources. At least that's what the books say. And, in fact, there is a button for the 68th floor in the elevator. Pushing that button takes you to ...
A huge sofa filled the sidewalk in front of a home. Evidently the sofa had been taken out to the curb by the owner for trash collection. Since the sofa was in pretty good shape, a lot of people driving by slowed down for a closer look. But when they saw how big it was, they'd pass on by without stopping. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. They removed all the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out of the sofa, ...
There's a silly story going around about two factory workers, Joe and Lester, who were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work, " said Joe. "How do you think you'll do that? " asked Lester. At this, Joe climbed up to the rafters of the factory and hung upside down by his knees. The boss walked in, saw Joe hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing. "I'm a light bulb," Joe answered. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So Joe jumped down and walked out of the ...
I understand there is an organization in Hollywood, CA called The Holy Ghost Repair Service, Incorporated. And no, they aren't in the business of repairing shoes, watches, or automobiles. On their stationary they state as their purpose "repairing broken lives for Jesus . . . in the power of his Spirit." We may express it a little less colorfully, but that is our church's purpose as well"” "repairing broken lives for Jesus in the power of his Spirit." Some of us know what it is to have broken lives. There ...
When business guru Guy Kawasaki and his wife had their first child, they were determined to be politically and environmentally correct. They were going to use cotton diapers and wash them themselves. Two weeks went by. Doing your own cotton diapers, they discovered, doesn't cut it. They didn't want to wash the diapers with their stuff so they found that either their house stank or they felt guilty for doing lots of small loads. So they went to a cotton diaper service. They discovered this doesn't work well ...
In The Winter's Tale, Act 1, Scene 2, the King of Bohemia is told that his suspicious host is plotting against him. He believes it because he recalls the look of enmity on his host's face. The king puts it like this: "I saw his heart in his face." Gilbert Stuart took one look at Talleyrand, the French ambassador, and said, "If that man isn't a scoundrel, God doesn't write a legible hand." A selfish prince once had a magician create a mask that would make him look kind so that he might win the heart of the ...
The Kingdom of God was the main emphasis of Jesus’ ministry and this is accepted by most. But defining precisely what the Kingdom was is a bit more difficult. Indeed, even Jesus himself was often elusive about it. He did not speak in absolutes; rather, he spoke in parables. Such is our scripture text for this morning. Jesus compared the Kingdom to a sower going out and spreading seed. Some of it falls upon hard ground and is unable to take root. Some of it falls on shallow ground, and although it initially ...
On July 23, 2002, nine miners in Western Pennsylvania became trapped in a flooded mine. The injured and desperate men tied themselves together so that the stronger ones could sustain the weaker ones as they waited to be rescued. Journalists from across the nation reported the rescue effort, which took five long days. No one could believe it when all nine miners emerged safely from the mine. On July 30, the people of the small mining community gathered for a worship service to thank God for saving the ...
Politicians in Washington play the gotcha game to perfection. To make matters worse the news media feeds on it. Not only do they feed on it, they feed it, hoping for a national scandal to make themselves appear relevant. These various political events are a fitting context for our scriptural text about hypocrisy. Listen to what Jesus says about these politicians (in his day they were called Pharisees): “They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a ...
A number of years ago there was a television drama titled See How She Runs, which told the story of Betty, a 40-year-old schoolteacher who decided to run in the Boston Marathon. Betty’s daughter Kathy was surprised, shocked, and not a little fearful. The play contained the following dialogue between Betty and her daughter Kathy on the subject of fear: Betty: “There are worse things than being scared.” Kathy: “Like what?” Betty: “It’s worse never to be scared.” Kathy: “Is it?” Betty: “If you’re never scared ...
One of my favorite authors is Father Andrew Greeley, who, when he is not writing newspaper columns, popular (and somewhat racy) novels, and technical sociological treatises, somehow finds time to write passable books on theology. Greeley is so prolific that some have suggested that he is a committee rather than one individual man. Some critics say that he has never had an unpublished thought; but perhaps some of the criticism leveled against him might come under the heading of jealousy...from folks who ...
I have always thought that Thomas got a bum rap. Down through the centuries we have called him “Doubting Thomas,” when, in reality, he was the greatest believer of them all. He ended up proclaiming the highest profession of faith we find in the Gospels. Beholding the risen Christ he said, “My Lord and my God!” I. THE FIRST GLIMPSES WE HAVE OF THOMAS IN THE GOSPELS PORTRAY HIM AS A MAN OF CONSIDERABLE COURAGE. Actually, “Thomas” is not a name. It means simply, “The Twin.” Of course, over the years it has ...
I think Jesus would understand about vacations. St. Mark gives us this interesting little parenthesis in the life of our Lord. He says that Jesus knew the disciples’ need for rest. He knew that we cannot be everlastingly at it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Jesus knew that, and so, immediately after He sent forth His disciples on that first evangelistic mission, (a mission which was crowned with success); we read that “The apostles returned to Jesus, and told him all that they had done and ...