A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.Rodney Dangerfield
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.Rodney Dangerfield
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.Rodney Dangerfield
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'Rodney Dangerfield
Once I told my old man, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't say that everybody hasn't met you yet.'Rodney Dangerfield
